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!your greatest joke!

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by grass man420, Mar 10, 2012.

  1. what the fuck is going on GC!!!!! march break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lets make a thread for all of our best jokes of all time! you can post as many as you want as long as there all fucking good ones , any kind of jokes one liners- story jokes- bar jokes- funny stories- anything i guess !@#$#@!%:smoking::smoking::hippie::smoke::gc_rocks::metal::laughing:

    i'll start

    hear about that guy that got in a crash and lost his left arm and leg?
    no, oh hes all right now! ( cuz hes got no left limbs)

    what did 1 atom say to the other atom?
    do these protons make my mass look big?

    how do they get deer to cross at the sign?

    theres a doctor and a patient.
    the doctor says i have 2 pieces of news.
    the patient replys oklets hear it:eek: nervously
    the doctor says you have aids, the patient says ohno! shit ok whats the next piece of news? the doctor says you have alzheimers disease. the patient says ohthat not so bad at least i don't have aids!!!!!!!

    thats all i can think of for now,i have tons of jokes but i cant seem to remember them now . o ya since the greatest joke is subjective, as long as you think its a good one. laughter is the best medicine. so lets get medicated!

    one more
    what do you or someone else call a monkey in a mine field??:confused:
    a BABOOM!:eek::D

    what does the fish say when he swims into a wall?

    DAMN!
     
  2. I thought weed was the best medicine...
     
  3. Guys do you know that joke where idiot says "no" ?
     
  4. Woman's rights
     
  5. What's the difference between Jewish people and Harry Potter?
    Harry Potter escaped the chamber of secrets:laughing:

    Why do Jewish people have big noses?
    Air is free:laughing:

    Why do midgets laugh while running?
    Because the grass tickles their balls:laughing:
     
  6. A man dies in a horrific car crash and goes straight to Hell. Upon realizing his descent into eternal damnation, he begins to break down and cry. Satan, having noticed the man's distress, approaches him.

    "What seems to be the problem?" Satan inquires.

    "Isn't it obvious? I was a devout Baptist for my entire life, and now I'm in Hell!" The man's protest choked out and garbled by his own emotions.

    "I see," Satan replies, "you know, Hell really isn't THAT bad. In fact, I bet you will come to like it here."

    "Really?" asks the man.

    "Certainly," Satan answers, "did you drink when you were on Earth?"

    "Well," the man sniffles as he regains some composure, " me and my buddies used to drink a few beers while we watched the games."

    "Perfect!" exclaims Satan, "Every Sunday is Drinking Day: you drink all the best beers and finest spirits, and you will never throw up, pass out, or wake up with a hangover 'cause we're already dead!"

    "Really?" asks the man excitedly.

    "Absolutely," Satan responds, "Did you partake?"

    "Well, I used to experiment with pot in college..." the man starts.

    "Say no more!" Satan exclaims, "every Tuesday is Drug Day. You can experiment with all the drugs you ever wanted to as much as you want without geeking out or run the risk of overdosing!"

    "Awesome!" declares the man. "Hell sounds like the shit!"

    "Oh man, you ain't kidding!" Satan laughs. "Are you gay?"

    The man looks at Satan disgustedly, "Hell no I'm not gay!"

    "Oh," Satan looks at the man a little disappointed, "well, you're gonna hate Fridays."
     
  7. just a random joke someone told me the other day..

    Cop rolls up to lovers lane and he sees only one car parked there so he gets out, grabs his flash light and walks over to see what is going on... So the cop walks up and shines the light in the driver's side window and there is a man in the front seat alone reading a book.

    The cop asks the man "what are you doing?
    The man responds "just reading a book"

    so the cop scratches his head then shines the light into the backseat... He sees a girl sitting in the back and she is just sitting there filing her nails.

    So the cop asks the girl "what are you doing"

    the girl responds "ohh just filing my nails"

    so the cop scratches his head again and wonders what the fuck is going on here?? So he goes back to the driver and asks him "how old is this girl?

    the driver looks at his watch then says "she'll be 18 in about 10 minutes"
     
  8. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
     
  9. What do you call a baby in the middle of the ocean with no legs and no arms?
    Fucked.
     
  10. What's funnier than a dead baby?
    A dead baby in a clown costume
     
  11. How does a black chick know she's pregnant?

    When She pulls the tampon out, all the cotton's already picked
     
  12. [quote name='"grass man420"']what the fuck is going on GC!!!!! march break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lets make a thread for all of our best jokes of all time! you can post as many as you want as long as there all fucking good ones , any kind of jokes one liners- story jokes- bar jokes- funny stories- anything i guess !@#$#@!%:smoking::smoking::hippie::smoke::gc_rocks::metal::laughing:

    i'll start

    hear about that guy that got in a crash and lost his left arm and leg?
    no, oh hes all right now! ( cuz hes got no left limbs)

    DAMN![/quote]

    I like how I had to explain
     
  13. yeah lol i've told that joke before and ppl haven't gotten it. figured id better explain it for anyone short of critical thinking lmao



    a black guy and a mexican are in a car who's driving?

    TEH police!! ( if offended too bad hahahaha)

    a stewardess, upon reaching cruising altitude, was doing rounds for drinks and snacks.
    she came upon this couple and said excuse me sir and madamm can i get you a beverage or perhaps some peanuts?
    the man said honey would you like anything? she replies no. so he says ok then miss i will just have a coke then please.
    the stewardess says ok sir would you like that in the can?

    the man looks to the back of the plane and says uuuh no that's ok ill take it right here.
     
  14. [quote name='"Lavions"']Guys do you know that joke where idiot says "no" ?[/quote]

    I see what you did there ;)
     
  15. A traveling salesman approaches a house and sees a little boy sitting on the front steps. The salesman asks him if his mother is home, to which the boy replies, "yes, she's in back screwing the sheep." The salesman does a double take and asks again, "wait, where is your mother?" The boy replies again with. "She's in back screwing the sheep." Astounded, the salesman goes to the the backyard and sure enough, there is the boy's mother having sex with a sheep. He returns to the boy and asks, "Doesn't it bother you that your mom is having sex with a sheep?" The boy replies with, "Naa-ahhh." :laughing:
     
  16. How do you make a chick scream twice?

    Fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on the curtains.
     
  17. Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust Gets em everytime
     
  18. there once was a taxonomist who was doing an experiment. he took a frog out of a bucket and put it on the table. he said jump frog jump. the frog jumped 2.5 feet, so he scribbles in his notepad frog with 4 legs jumps 2.5 feet.he then cuts a leg of the frog off and says again, jump frog jump. the frog jumps 2 feet. he writes in his notepad frog with 3 legs jumps 2feet. he cuts another leg off and says jump frog jump. the frog jumps 1.5 feet. he writes in his notepad again. he cuts another leg off and the results are 1feet, and he writes in his notepad again.
    so now he cuts the last leg off and says jump frog jump. the frog tries as hard as it can and doesn't move an inch. the taxonomist is thinking about what to write in his notepad so he thinks for a minute and finally writes " frog with no legs goes deaf".


    what do you call a fish with no eye?
    FSH

    there once was a real estate investor who wanted to gamble in Vegas. he went to Vegas and played blackjack and lost horribly. he still had his plane ticket which left in 30 minutes and no money for a cab. he runs out of the lobby onto the street and gets in the nearest cab he says please sir i don't have any money now but here's my contact information and i promise you i will send you the money, please can you help me out? the cabby tells him to go away and then drives away. so a few years later after this investor has made most of his money back he decides to go back to Vegas and try his luck again. this time he wins big. as he exits the casino guess who he sees at the end of a long line of cabs waiting for people to need a ride? the cabby who wouldn't lend a helping hand to someone in need years before. so he's standing there trying to think of some way to get a little bit of pay back. *lightbulb* an idea. so he goes to the first cab in line and says hi how much for a ride to the airport? the cabby replies 50 dollars. he then says how much for you to give me a handjob at the same time? he says GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAB. he does this to each cab until he finally reaches the one with his nemesis inside. he says hi, how much for a ride to the airport? the cabby says 50 dollars. the man then says OK, and hops in the front seat and rolls the window down and sticks his head out as the cabby pulls away and sticks his thumb up at all the other cabbies as they drive past them.

    A black guy and a mexican have a race to jump off a cliff who wins?
    SOCIETY.
     
  19. this joke below sucks if no one says witherspoon so it's best to do it with a lot of people around that way there's a higher chance someone will say it. :rolleyes:

    did you hear about that actress that killed her husband?
    reese * pretend to forget her last name* ...
    *wait for someone to say witherspoon*
    " no with a knife"


    another party joke. works best with a large audience

    there was a gay guy that went to a gay bar and met a guy and they liked each other so they went back to the 1 guys house. he asked the other guy do you want to play a game? he said yes i do i love games. he said ok i'm gonna put something in your ass and you have to guess what it is ok. he agreed. first he sticks a broom handle up his ass and says can you guess what that is? he says that feels like a broom handle am i right? he says yes you are right. so now he gets a shampoo bottle and sticks it up his ass. and says try to guess what this is. he says its plastic and the shape so it must be a shampoo bottle. he said good job ok lets see if you can get 3 out of 3 right. so he goes to grab a uuhh * motion that your using a toilet plunger* * when someone says "a plunger" you exclaim " OH YOU'VE PLAYED THIS GAME BEFORE?":D:D:D
     
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