I don't even know where to go to vent about this shit. Please - if you don't feel like hearing someone bitch and moan then it might be best to hit the back button. I've been dating this girl for a little over 3 years. She lives with me, and is in graduate school. She studies all of the time, and I can't fucking take it. I'm used to very "giving" girls. Maybe I was just lucky, I don't know. This girl doesn't seem to give a fuck. If I'm upset then she leaves me alone until I feel better. She has NO concept of like, putting her arms around me and talking to me. I know this sounds fucking gay, but it's something you just sort of need every now and then. If I come home from work in a bad mood it puts HER into a bad mood - other chicks I've dated would try to make me feel better while she just seems to get pissed off about it. She just doesn't have this concept of needing to show affection or attention. She needs very little attention - if I went out of town and didn't call for 3 days straight she seriously would probably be completely fine with it. I translate this into her not caring about me, but I don't think that's the case - she just doesn't seem to have that part of her brain wired that way. Now, if she goes on a trip and I call more than once a day it annoys her. She tries to put it nicely, but basically tells me I'm being needy. She claims that she's madly in love with me but I just don't see it. She says she shows it in a different way, I don't fucking know. If I tell her I'm upset then I get ignored. I don't feel like someone that loves me would do that shit to me. The worst part about this whole thing is that other than this attention shit we get along perfect. We tend to 'think' the same way and 'connect' very well. We've both dated plenty of people in the past and know what we want, it's just this one issue that keeps coming up over and over and over. The logically side of me says that she isn't going to change (not permanently, at least). I don't really know what to do - I mean I can't fucking snap my fingers and change the way I feel/think. I've NEVER had this kind of issue before in a relationship. Ugh. Update Ok - last night was a total clusterfuck. She had a grad school 'mixer' (basically a bunch of people going out for drinks). To make a really, really, really long story short - she started out wanting me to go. Things went a bit downhill and she changed her mind. At this point I'm pretty upset, thinking wtf is going on. So she gets there at 7, planning to leave at 8, told me she'd call at 8:30 if she didn't. 9 rolls around and I call her. No answer. She calls back at ~9:30 and said that a bunch of the people had a late class and just showed up, that she was leaving in 30 minutes. 10:45 - I call her (keep in mind, original plans was to leave at 8.) no answer. 11:15 - she sends a txt "sorry, working on leaving right now " I don't hear from her again until ~1 in the fucking morning. It turned out that her car was broken into. She said she was dealing with the cops, police reports, and other people that had cars vandalized. This morning I told her it was over, that she has 30 days to get her stuff out. I 'broke' our facebook relationship as well (which sounds stupid, but is really a pretty serious things since now all of our friends know what's going on). She called me at work, I think sort of testing the waters. She apologized for what happened last night, promised not to do it agian, etc etc. Thoughts?
Here's a solution...tell her what you told us...if she can't be the kind of person you're looking for, dump her, but don't expect her to change everything just for you, like you wouldn't change everything just for her. Relationships take work, it's about commitment, not just love.
maybe you could boil your need down to just being like "i need a hug" every so often lol. hugs are great man, and if someone is too cool or busy to lay one on you, i'd say it's time for them to go. if a hug and a quick expression of what's bothering you is too much, then i'd say you need more than what she can give.
I agree - this will only end badly because you obviously feel that the relationship is one sided and that you care more for her then she does for you if that's after 3 years then give up now and move on - you'll only regret wasting more years later I know that's easier said than done but if after 3 years she thinks you're being needy and you think she doesn't care then alarm bells should be ringing! besides, if she goes away for 3 days and doesn't care that you call then she's probably banging some other dude anyway
yeah if i was in the OP's situation itd fuck with my head so much. Id feel completely unloved, and those feelings would only grow over time. itd probably seep out into other parts of my life just like generally with self esteem and effort and so on.
If she's in graduate school you must have a really motivated girlfriend. Perhaps she's just overwhelmed at the moment- maybe once she gets her degree she will be able to make more time and have more energy. You should ask her if this is the case? It might not be, but I'm just throwing out a suggestion. There is nothing wrong with you wanting affection, but there is also nothing wrong with her not being innately affectionate. I don't think anyone is necessarily at fault. If you think she isn't telling you the truth about still loving you- gauge her past relationships (or straight up ask her about them)- how long did they last and was she afraid to cut them off when they went sour- or did she hold onto the dying relationship? Knowing her behavior in the past might be a good clue to figuring her out right now. Maybe you should hang out with your friends more. I know the cliche is always that girls are too romantic and possessive- so perhaps you're in a perfect situation from another man's perspective. You have time to hang out with your friends and your girl. Use that time. Get involved in something that you can become consumed and enriched by (like school for her). If at the end of the day you really want someone more outwardly supportive and affectionate- then leave her. You deserve to be happy
Ok, I really think I can help, because your girl sounds just like me I hope you're not my boyfriend either... I don't know her side of the story, so I could be way off Are you the same? Are you really affectionate or not? I'm just gonna throw my advice right in your post since it's so long I don't even know where to go to vent about this shit. Please - if you don't feel like hearing someone bitch and moan then it might be best to hit the back button. I've been dating this girl for a little over 3 years. She lives with me, and is in graduate school. She studies all of the time, and I can't fucking take it. If I were this girl, I'd be stressed as FUCK. I'm not even that far into school yet, and it's already pretty stressful sometimes Has she always been like this, or has she seemed different since she started grad. school? Maybe this has something to do with it. I'm used to very "giving" girls. Maybe I was just lucky, I don't know. This girl doesn't seem to give a fuck. If I'm upset then she leaves me alone until I feel better. She has NO concept of like, putting her arms around me and talking to me. I know this sounds fucking gay, but it's something you just sort of need every now and then. If I come home from work in a bad mood it puts HER into a bad mood - other chicks I've dated would try to make me feel better while she just seems to get pissed off about it. When she is upset, does she want to be left alone? People have different ways of handling things.. If she likes to be left alone when she's upset, she probably leaves you alone for that reason, just hoping it will blow over. I'm the same way. When I'm upset, (most of the time) I don't need a hug, I don't need to snuggle-- I just wanna go wrap up in a blanket by myself and have a little time to think. Try telling her thats not how you are, that you need her to give you a big bear hug and kiss when you're down. She just doesn't have this concept of needing to show affection or attention. She needs very little attention - if I went out of town and didn't call for 3 days straight she seriously would probably be completely fine with it. I translate this into her not caring about me, but I don't think that's the case - she just doesn't seem to have that part of her brain wired that way. Now, if she goes on a trip and I call more than once a day it annoys her. She tries to put it nicely, but basically tells me I'm being needy. You said you guys live together- maybe she just likes to have a little "me" time when you're out of town. Some people just need a little break now and then, and some people just don't miss people for short periods of time. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you! It just means she's doin her thing, hanging with the girls, ya know. Also if she's going out of town for work, she may be really busy. I won't lie, I don't need to talk to my man 5 times a day when I'm out of town- I'm just enjoying my time by myself, ya know- it makes the times WITH your significant other that much better to be apart. She claims that she's madly in love with me but I just don't see it. She says she shows it in a different way, I don't fucking know. If I tell her I'm upset then I get ignored. I don't feel like someone that loves me would do that shit to me. The worst part about this whole thing is that other than this attention shit we get along perfect. We tend to 'think' the same way and 'connect' very well. We've both dated plenty of people in the past and know what we want, it's just this one issue that keeps coming up over and over and over. The logically side of me says that she isn't going to change (not permanently, at least). I don't really know what to do - I mean I can't fucking snap my fingers and change the way I feel/think. I've NEVER had this kind of issue before in a relationship. I think you guys should sit down and really talk this out- can she give you what you need? are you going to be emotionally satisfied with her? Because if she isn't loving in the ways you wish she were, and doesn't want to be, then maybe you two aren't a match?
My husband was and sometimes still is kinda like that, but I explained to him that I need a certain kind of affection and he has made a real effort to give me what I need. Having said that, make sure you look at the things she does contribute to the relationship. People show how they care in different ways, and people who are like your girlfriend might express their caring in ways you don't even see. One example to explain what I mean. I get pretty down in the dumps before that time of the month and my husband always makes a special trip to the store to buy me a sweet treat that I wouldn't normally allow myself. I never asked him to do this, he just did it once and saw that it made me smile so he does it all the time. Lastly, make sure you are giving her some personal space. Sometimes people just need a couple hours to sit and stare at the wall by themselves, she sounds pretty busy and if you're demanding too much of her you are probably making the situation worse.
This is happening to me in a major way. I've developed anxiety issues - I've always had a bit of anxiety, but when she ignores me or gets anti-social I have like mini panic attacks or something. I've talked to her about this and she's tried to get better about things but it stresses her out to no end.
You make good points - My biggest problem is that when I force myself to 'not care' about this stuff anymore then I'll likely end up ending the relationship. Whenever I get into that not care stage then that's just what it is - not caring anymore. She's pretty much forced me into a corner with it, but that's the decision she made. I don't know, maybe you're right. How in the fuck am I supposed to be in love with someone and end the relationship? The difficult part to me is that this is something I really think can be fixed. I feel like if she would try to understand how I feel and how all of *this* makes me feel then she would be a lot more sensitive to my needs. And, if she would TELL me how she feels and wants rather than shutting me out until it all builds up and explodes that would be great. I'm sure there's a lot that I can work on, but I feel like it's heavily dependent upon how much she's willing to help. A sweet txt or two from her during the day would be enough to stave off my attention needs but it just won't happen. A sunday morning blowjob would probably work too, but that would never happen either. How did this all end up like this
yeah man i feel ya. To be perfectly honest, you should just end it. this could one day end up fucking up all the rest of your future relationships. I dont know you personally, and ultimately its your choice. Just remember you deserve to live a happy life
sounds like this chick and my boyfriend would get along great. he sees me crying he doesn't comfort me, he just runs into the other room until i stop and then gets bitchy because "i'm in a bad mood"
bump for update - I broke up with her this morning over a bunch of dumb shit that happened last night.
You what really fucking sucks about this? Out of the girls I've dated she is one of the three that I've unconditionally trusted. Throughout all of this, I deep down know that she isn't fucking around. She's just a damn goofy ditz that doesn't think about shit. Even though she doesn't call and doesn't think about how this stuff affects me, I trust that she's there for me when I truly need her. So the worst part is that this relationship is ending over her inability to fucking meet me in the middle. I'm so sick and tired of it all that I actually feel better now that it's ending.
we men like hugs too we're emotional beings Dr. Gary Nueman said so on the Oprah about why men cheat... Not that I watch Oprah...