Whats it's like to have Schizophrenia by Kevin AKA Zeke Masters

I've gone through a list of symptoms of schizophrenia to see if they relate to me .I'll run down the whole list and see if they apply to me. If they don’t I simply put no. I also have some other symptoms that done appear on the list but I've experienced so I've written them down to. All these symptoms are symptoms I’ve experienced over the past 4 years. I've had to explain my symptoms to so many doctors and I find it hard to say everything that happens to each one because I forget to say things so I thought I'd write them all down and see what the coast team (doctors)/ Job center and friends think of it.

Depression.
In the beginning of the schizophrenia I used to feel depressed allot This was before the main onset. Dr. Akinson called this period the prondrome. I still suffer from depression but I'm on a strong dosage (60mg) of Paroxatine to help cope with it.


Excessive sleeping or inability to sleep for long periods of time
I have trouble getting to sleep I normally have to take a sleeping aid like Olanzopine or Nitol to fall asleep normally otherwise I'm up into the early part of the morning before feeling tired

Social withdrawal and Isolation
In the Prondrome I was very isolated I had no idea it was schizophrenia, I just thought I was becoming a loner. But now looking back I remember hearing voices at the time I thought they were real people talking about me. But after 3 years I've come to realize it was all part of my mental condition.

Shift to unusual behavior; significant personality change delusions
During the onset my mind was being filled with all sorts of false beliefs that I acted upon at time. This ended up with me going crazy in front of 2 of my friend almost ending our relationships. After I threatened one friend and snapped at another friend the whole time hearing voice in my head goading me on as if I had a special purpose. This making me feel invincible like I could do anything and the whole world was there for me.

During the first year after the prondrome these false beliefs got me into a lot of trouble. An example being I ended up trying to break into a Police Station because the voices said I had a special purpose. I ended up getting arrested for breaking in. my mind was full of strange thoughts at that time. I remember being in the Police Station and constantly hearing voices talking - it was very distressing because I had no idea why I was arrested I thought I was in something important but it just turned out to be psychosis messing around with me and I was just in jail.

Another incident was when the voices told me I was an evil super power so I went round houses on my street causing all sorts of trouble. When I got home I was greeted by 2 Police Officers who arrested me and took me to a mental hospital (the Bethlem Royal). At that point I still thought I was going through something special so I didn't understand why I was put there. Looking back I understand now. After the mental hospital I used to have loads of delusions while watching TV, I was acting like it was all there for me and a lot of crazy concepts came out of it. For example I watched a show about the Roman Emperor who had an incestuous relationship with his sister. After watching this I came up with a belief that all Romans were incest people and I would rant about it for months.

I stopped acting things out after the mental hospital, my thoughts at the time were that everything I was going through was happening in another realm. Another example is I went to my friends house who likes his black music as I would go round the house and look at his interests I would have thoughts that he was being brain washed by all this stuff (hip/hop). If this was the early days I would have acted out and made a scene. But because I've been in a mental hospital - and don't want to go back - I just keep it to myself and try not to react to any false belief.


Deterioration of social relationships
The friend I snapped at Jonathan never looked at me the same after going ‘schizo’, I don't know if he still likes me after what I did to him. He says he should have stopped talking to me after what I did to him. I didn't do much to him just tried to break down his door in a ‘schizo rage’. I feel he only stays my friend because he's taking advantage of my mental condition. I'm always nice to him no matter how rude he becomes towards me. It's like he see me as an easy target. He’s done things like steal things from me and act like I'm crazy when I accuse him of it even though he was one of the few friends I've had over in awhile. My other friend I snapped at, Carl, has completely forgiven me and we are still close friends, we talk everyday. For the most part of 2006 I hardly saw my friends at all.

Hyperactive or inactive

in the prondrome I was very inactive and withdrawn, when the psychosis hit I became active doing what the psychosis tells me to. After that I became even more inactive this was due to the fact that I was on the wrong medication for a year and had to put up with voices and visions none stop. When I say inactive it doesn't mean I wasn't reacting to the psychosis, it just means that I wouldn't let it trick me into leaving the house and doing something stupid. For most of 2005 I was acting out scenarios in my back garden only. My Parents get very upset when I leave the house with symptoms.


Inability to concentrate or cope with minor problems
Since the psychosis I have trouble dealing with minor problems if anyone approaches me with any kind of conflict I begin to shake and tremble uncontrollably and become speechless. At time the voice in my head start up making it even harder to focus on the problems in front of me, I have difficulty in concentrating.

Extreme religiosity or preoccupation with the occult
This happens a lot - I used to discuss this in CBT with Emily Cooper (my Nurse Co-ordinator at the Coast Team) and Neil Hammond (my Consultant Psycho Therapist also in the Coast team), I seem lost when it comes to religious beliefs and the psychosis seems to bring this up a lot. I don't know what I believe, I tend to read books on the occult and out of body experiences (astral projection). This has been a fascination of mine for a while. I keep coming to the realization that most of this stuff is made up but I still don't know what to believe honestly

Dropping out of Activities and life in general
During the prodrome I was in college and as I would go there I would always feel as if people were watching me. This made me very anxious so I left.. Later I realised it was just the schizophrenia and regret leaving college because of it. But looking back if I had stayed its likely that I would have gone crazy and caused scenes thinking people were always watching me. For the Most part of 2006 I never walked my dog I just used to stay inside a lot that's changed now I take him out at least twice a day and I am trying to fight the feeling the people are watching me daily.


Decline in academic or athletic performance
Yes I left college


Accidents or self-imposed injuries (cutting oneself)
None


Drug or alcohol involvement with extreme or dramatic reactions
I had a cheap 2% lager and that was enough to give me a serious 2 days spell of voices and visions. So after that I haven't drunk alcohol since.

Forgetfulness and losing things
I say no to this but my family say they have been noticing that I can be forgetful at times e.g. leaving the back doors or windows open or losing my keys and personal effects.


Devastated by peer disapproval
My old friend Jonathan really looks at me funny, sometimes I 've had obvious symtoms in front of him e.g laughing aloud for no reason or walking around for no reasons. I end up making things up as to why I'm doing so but I doubt he believes me.


Deterioration and abandonment of personal hygiene
No, I shave regularly and go to the barbers once a month


Noticeable and rapid weight loss
Yes ever since I started taking Amisulpride I've been losing weight and muscle mass
there is concern at the weight loss and my parents buy Complan and such drinks as I am unable to eat most days


Excessive writing or printing without apparent meaning
I got into a habit of writing all kinds of afterlife predictions, I have no idea what to believe so I just make stuff up and hope for the best when I die.


Excessive need for acceptance
I have made a lot of new friends but I don't need their acceptance. I have made a lot of new nice friends this past year and they don't seems to care that I have a mental condition this is very conforting to know that I have people I can talk to, but I don't like to discuss my condition too much in the fear of scaring them off


Inability to express joy
yes, and no, when I'm with my friends I tend to feel like the outsider and I don't really know what to say in big groups of people. I don't express joy too often. I end up walking away from big groups and finding a quiet place to sit alone.

Inappropriate laughter
Yes, a lot. It's like the psychosis puts thoughts into my head that are not particularly funny but they make me burst out laughing at it for no reason. I've spent days like this were I just can't stop laughing I laugh so much I feel sick with it sometimes. My mother is continually upset with the manner in which I can stay in a dark room laughing to myself all night.


Bizarre behavior (hopping, wearing only torn clothing, applying strange make-up)
Yes, for awhile I kept putting make up on my face to cover up the dark shadows under my eyes. I did this because the voices keep calling me ugly or ugly goth repeatedly.


Irrational statements
I say a lot of weird things about my perception of the afterlife and other dimensions. Apart from my understanding friend Carl other people see these as irrational statements, so I try to avoid voicing my thought so I don't scare people away. To me this kind of talk is normal I'm very open to what might come in the afterlife but there a lot of people who take their standardizes beliefs seriously e.g Christians, Muslims & Mormons


Strange posturing
No

Refusing to touch anyone or certain things
I don't like arrogant rude boys that come up to me and touch me, I get very tense when this happens. I just don't like being touched!


Shaving head or removing body hair
No


Not blinking or blinking excessively. Staring
only when the schizophrenia does it to me. I occasionally have periods when I stare and eye twitch


-------Other symptoms-------

Voices, Visions and Hallucinations

I get visions everyday it's mainly random faces, people I know, random locations or people from TV. They appear to do all sorts of strange things, like to a dance motion or random motion. Sometimes a voice will talk out of the visions. Othertimes they'll do scenes from a TV show. A lot of the time they can turn really nasty calling me gay, ugly or ******. There have also been times when they would show me awful things/ scenes like people getting stabbed or gay people having sex. A lot of the time I hear. constant negative talking. There have been times when they will switch into " you are gay mode" where they'll call me gay or ugly over and over for hours and no matter what I say they wont go away. They can also say good stuff or sometimes it's just random nonsense. I hear lots of differnt voices but I don't see the relevance in writing whom I think they are down. they are just voices in my head which are most distressing and interfering with my daily life.

Metaphysical or energy touching
At First this was all intresting, I would feel full body sensations in the first year. I would call it super power. After about a year they started turning nasty giving me an Anal probe which sometimes is a gentle touch and other times it can feel really hard. They make it worse by talking to me in a way that implies that I'm about to be touched in the bum. This causes me to breakdown I normally find my having to hold my head in my hand and I feel really stressed because I don't know what’s coming next. it can be really annoying. during the past 6 months though they added touching my penis into it. So as they are talking I have no idea what’s going to hit me next. They do tricks like pretend to be one of my favorite people and make me stand around waiting to be touched. This is very annoying and I have no idea what kind of crazy schizophrenia it is. I get sick of it and I end up arguing with it.


Voices on breath
This started about 1.5 years into the psychosis, at first the voice on the breath sounded like a scary breath demon but it comes through as all sorts of voices since then. These voices can be distressing especially when the call me gay or ugly repeatedly. Then there’s always the looming thought of the anal probe or being touched in my body.


Ringing in My Ears
I call this ‘the frequency’ – it is the sound of ringing in my ears (tinitus?) The pitch of the frequency of the ringing can go up or down also I can hear voices through the ringing tones. I follows the frequency of people talking to me or other times it goes along with the sounds from the T.V. or Music - and the most distressing thing is that this particular problem remains even if I am dosed up with all my medications which are supposed to counter these effects.


Verbal arguments With the schizophrenia
When I thought this was all real I used to have nice conversations with the voices. But now I just seem to be so angry at them and I snap at the psychosis and end up having serious arguments about the whole calling me gay, ugly and always pressuring me with the touching.
I get really upset but all the voices do is just come back calmly and say you are gay in the most calm condescending voice you could imagine. These verbal spats can go on for awhile, I have to be really careful about because I don't want my family to know how much it's affecting me, so I have to go quiet when people are around. I've been caught talking to the psychosis before by my dad and he really didn't approve so I feel I have to hide my symptoms from my family so I try and stay alone as much as possible when I have harsh symptoms.


The yes/no Rumble system.
Ever since the start of the psychosis there’s been a rumbling/vibration on my feet, at first it was just always there but after a year it became a yes or no system. If a question or comment comes up my right foot will rumble for a yes answer and my left foot will rumble for a no answer. This symptom does nothing but add more pressure. e.g. A voice will say "you are gay" but the rumble will go on the left(no) foot. Causing stressful responses from me because they're saying 2 things at once. Other times they says I'm gay and the Right foot will rumble its almost like being called gay with avengence.


Girl from another dimension ( Sarah Michelle Geller)
This symptom is very severe and confusing and has caused me to attempt suicide once to get to the girl. The girl will come at now and then and say nice things it must be one of the only positive things that comes out of it. I get metaphysic feeling sometimes when the girl talks to me that can be very pleasurable it feels like soul sinking( That’s Dr Riccardi’s take on it). It's a very unique feeling it's like I'm syncing with a girl.

Smells and tastes
I get weird smells and tastes in my mouth that seem to come from inside me this is just a minor symptom


White/Black/Asain
We argue a lot about the colour of people, white people seems to be the main focus but they can appear as anyone. I prefer it stays white and black but they add Asian voices in there to. It's like who’s giving me the anal probe and what color are they. It's very annoying.

False beliefs & Delusions
The false beliefs I get now can be very distressing. I don't act upon them but they can cause emotional stress for example, I was told if I want the girl from another dimension to like me I have to kill my sister. Or other times no matter how much I try and ignore it they can make me feel that my mum, dad, sister or friends are being hurt in hell. Even though I know my sister is in the next room I still feel as if it's happening and I get upset. They really put me in a trance were I feel it's all happening.
In the early days there were a lot of interesting beliefs but now the beliefs seem to be evil e.g They would say 'Your going to be a slave when you die' or the female soulmate we made for you is a man thats going to stalk me in the afterlife.

A force taking control of my body
This started very slowly at first they would just put facial expression making me move my face in all sorts of ways e.g. Smiling, sticking tough out and blinking, but as time has past they seem to have more control, making walk around for no reson or making me act out negatively. It gets to a point were its taking so much control of me I have to try hard and snap myself out of it before it got out of hand

----------Medication side effects.--------
This part of the whole things really pisses me off because it's like being treated for one thing has opened up a whole door of new things wrong with me.

Amisulprie side effects
- Nausea, sometimes this can be very annoying for instance I'll have a sip of water and end up puking it up (Water of all things to be sick on!)

-Akathsa (shaking, trembling, and stiffness,)

-Impotence and lack of sexual drive. This side effect make me feel like I'm giving up having sex for the rest of my life to stay sane .I feel no interest in sex and I've lost the ability to have an erection. I understand that this is because of a rise in the hormone Prolactin. The normal Prolactin blood level in a human is under 300 after my last blood test it showed that my prolactin level was over 900

-weight & muscle loss

- every joint in my body cracks from my fingers, neck , arms, back, toes, ancles, neck and even my knee caps

Clonazepam side effects

- drowsiness, dizziness and slured speech

Paroxitine side effects
- After reading the side effect for this drug I already have some from other drugs but nothing new

Olanzopine side effects
Olanzopine was the original drug I was put on to stop the psychosis but it never worked at all. the only benefit I get from it is the drowsiness side effect which helps me get to sleep.

Procycidine side effects - This medication is for the side effect of my other medication so I don't experience any side effects

Conclusion
After doing lots of research on schizophrenia I've come to the conclusion that I have Paranoid schizophrenia. I came to this conclusion after reading about the different types and seeing which ones applied to me. I would like to say to anyone reading this with schizophrenia that it can seem very real and distressing but try not to let it get to you or make you do silly things no matter how real the voices appear to be. Also don't get scared when they turn nasty. This happens to me a lot I just stay calm and wait for it to pass. Arguing back is pointless. Don't ever do what the voices tell you! for me they told me the Gold Ranger power was at my old high school waiting for me among other things, This made me go crazy Actually believing that I would become a Power Ranger ......... "You must be joking'!!! (but I thought it was real among other). I am slowly coming to terms with these debilitating effects but there is a long road ahead.
Regards
Kevin

 

Don't let the voices or visions trick you into doing somthing stupid Mental homes are HELL!

There not real even though they can seem real. If you think your skizo go see a Doctor ASAP

 

It does sounds like you might have or it might just be you, if you start to hear voices talking about you, then you know you'll know you'll have it. Go see a Doctor before you end up going crazy

 

Thats good he's probably saved you alot of trouble

 

It just makes you feel like somthings happening e.g. Peopletalking, scenes from the TV. It's Strange it''s like somethings going on but you just can't tell what!!!