What Did I Experience?

Friday I had some sort of 'realization,' I guess you could call it. It lasted for a good 30 minutes, and it was the way I was perceiving reality up until late afternoon yesterday.

Basically (Yes, I smoked a bowl. This occurrence took place probably 15 minutes after having done so), I had a clear mental image in my head (it's not really important, but I'm just trying to give the sense of what I experienced) of like a sphere made up of a bunch of arrows swirling around it, but layered sort of like an atmosphere representing all the 'levels and layers' of existence. I came to the understanding that there is only one true thought, God (the essence of existence), and he is lonely as fuck so he creates all of these processes to distract his mind from his loneliness. The universe, dimensions, emotions, our conscious awareness of others actually being able to interact with us, these are all gifts he has given us so that we don't have to carry that burden of loneliness.

Everything that happens around and/or to us is just for the development of our character, one of the beauties of our existence. Existence doesn't get to express itself, have you ever noticed that? We just perceive it.

During this 'thing' I felt the absolute lowest I have ever felt in my life, and nobody will ever be able to tell me otherwise. That kind of reality, such loneliness, or at least to me, is the most horrible thing I could possibly imagine. I don't really know what to make out of it, other than that I am so much more thankful for being able to interact with you all. We're all able to acknowledge each other's existence and express ourselves to each other.

What if we couldn't? What if you were the only real thought and everyone and everything around you was just an image of your mind to distract you from the fact that you are alone, and that whatever desire it is your ego creates is what you get from these images? You are a computer left turned on in a world with nobody to use you, but yourself.

This is the reality I lived in for the past 3 days, and it's horrible. Fortunately for us, it's not what reality really is.

 

I felt like I was allowed to let peer into what really is. My interaction with people is a completely different thing now, I'm able to understand why people say the things they say. Usually, they turn out to just be a reflection of what I'm not, or something that is to better my character. The best way I could explain it to you is that I feel psychic, which is insane. Anyways, I'll get to your questions.

I don't anymore, but I did. After about 30 minutes I came down from where I felt like I was the thought, to a point where I just felt like that's what reality is, which after another 30 minutes I came down to a point where I was able to go to bed. Which, by coming down, I guess I'm getting at the anxietal feeling of the whole thing, it kind of wired me out.

Throughout the night, the lonely feeling never left. It was more just like the clear understanding (mental clarity?) that I had was slowly fading away. By the way, did any of you see the moon and sky around 11:00 Friday night? In Marcellus, New York I saw the most beautiful night sky I've ever seen. But I digress.

Up until yesterday, it was basically a gradual process out of the 'perception' I was under. I hesitate to call it perception because I wasn't able to rid myself of that feeling of everyone and everything being an image until yesterday. Other than the loneliness, I felt like life was challenging me, subtle or not. Things people would say would sync up, in some insane way, with whatever thoughts I had at the moment, and that's the best way I could explain that. (This last part is still occurring, and I can see that it's going to for a while, but for the better.) At this point in time I'm pretty much back to my normal perception of reality, but I'm able to pick up on things much more frequently now.

All I can say is I felt like I was allowed to let peer into what's really going on behind the scenes, and I didn't like it at all.

Edit: How can you not be a real, separate thought from mine? What would be the point to life? I mean, obviously distraction from said loneliness, but that can't be. This "we're all just one thought, or one awareness in the end of things" mumbo jumbo that everyone talks about so much here should be looked over again, it might not be what we want at all.

Edit 2: I think I'm just starting to think too indepthly about this stuff, kinda like we said the other day in that fear and love topic, and it's starting to get to me now maybe? Idk. I don't have a fucking clue. I probably just misinterpreted the whole experience.

 

That last sentence is really raising some hairs, because at the time I contemplated some sort of like "cycle" process, like maybe the uberthought (good term, by the way) is a cycled position. As far as how someone else's thought takes it's position, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with exhaustion like you said.

I don't wanna say vision, because I was still able to see my surroundings and understand what was going on, but it was just a very clear mental image. I just kinda stood there for a good 30 minutes absolutely fucking baffled. As far as which came first, I was just standing there, playing guitar, TV turned on, and maybe like 15-20 minutes after having smoked the two of them just kinda culminated together and smacked me across the face. I guess you could just say I became more aware, but temporarily. To be honest with you, at this point I kinda just wanna say it was my first acid flashback or something stupid like that. It was such a horrible feeling, and I don't know whether to call it loneliness or insanity because now I view them as harmonious, so I'm just gonna say it felt like both.

I feel like I've been brought into existence to defy everything.

 

It definitely wants to be known of, or at least that's something I was able to make out of the experience, and it makes sense. Wouldn't you if you weren't able to express yourself other than through the creation of everything that is you and what you've come to know?

I feel like I can pick up on how the all expresses itself, or how it makes it's presence known to me. I'm thinking others can too because it's way too apparent to me now.

Which is fucking incredible, don't get me wrong, but I just don't want our thoughts to meld into one thought in the end of things. Is my true identity the same as everybody else's? Are we all the same in the end? I better have a person to be able to interact with.

As to the part I bolded, that's a pretty good way to explain what it was kind of like. But shit dude, ketamine? I'm probably not even allowed on these forums (hint), which could be implied as to why I'm saying this, but I wouldn't ever mess with ketamine. At least not when psilocybin exists man, it's all you need.

 

I do, or at least everyone tells me I do. I'm a really modest person, so I try not to make claims like this, but everyone says I'm really good.

As far as playing, there's always more to learn. But yea, at the time I was definitely just playing spontaneously, I'm really, really good at that when I'm high.

 

The confusion that I made, I think, was thinking the uberthought is what my reality is. Reality, however, is viewed through each of our identities, so I am not alone in this existence (fuck yea). Existence is existence, and it's different than reality. However, existence's way of interaction with us through reality is through just being. Now I get it. I think I should start meditating, I need to give uberthought some attention too.

Edit: Wow. So this must've been my realization of what God is.

I fucking love life man, holy shit.

 

Oh, I know. I'm not trying to preach an 'I can read your mind' kind of psychic.

Pretty much what you said, I'm just much better at predicting what someone is gonna do or say.

I've only smoked it once. I didn't hallucinate, but I had a clear mental image after a bowl of it. I was standing on a stage, like you'd go to see a play at, with a king of hearts card standing in front of me (Alice in Wonderland is the best way I could explain what it looked like), and it somehow had my heart in it's hands. It said if I wasn't gonna be it's friend that it was going to stab my heart, so I told it I would and then I came down.

No idea what to make out of it, but, yea. Salvia is some crazy stuff it seems. Paradoxically, I was kind of in the same position during this 'realization' I had. I'd look at everything and know it's really just a spawn of my imagination (now I know it's of God's, which is the essence of existence), but I'd also be aware that I'm somehow really there.

I don't know dude. Best I can say is that we're not alone in the universe, and we're not stuck in nothing. Thank God.

 

Yea, it gets boring fast. As much as it can be boring, a sense of loneliness often sprouts because they're not realizing what I am at that moment.

Now, at the time of this 'heightened awareness,' that's what it was like. The thing is though, is that that perception (everything is me) was what seemed like was instilled into my state of mind, rather than perceived. My sense of being able to perceive was almost just kind of cast to the side for a good half hour, and I was stuck viewing reality in that sort of way.

As far as the tail end of your paragraph, that is how I'm starting to view things now. It's wonderful. And at the same time, everybody is separate from me too, and I can interact with so many different people. It's a beautiful thing.