I've been trying to write this for a couple weeks now, just a warning this is probably going to be a very long post. Ever since I was a little kid ( maybe 7 or 8) I've thought about death and what happens after. This type of thinking caused me to get depressed at a young age, I remember acting happy because I knew I was supposed to be. I had a good childhood with friends and a supporting family, but I still found myself pretending to be happy more than I actually was. My great grandfather died when I was 13, me and him were extremely close in alot of ways he was like a second father to me. I saw him or talked to him just about everyday since I could remember and he helped me gain alot of confidence in myself. When he died I became extremely depressed and started thinking about suicide, but on the outside I was still pretending to be happy because I knew thats what was expected of me. A couple months after his death my family started fighting over what to do with my great grandparents money ( my great grandmother was still alive and well at the time) and eventually most of my family stopped talking to each other. Around this time I started to get more withdrawn and felt like hanging out with my friends and family less. Then came my grade 8 graduation, It was hard for me to get through it because my great grandfather always said that he would be there to watch me graduate. Than at the after party ( at the school) a girl that Ive been friends with since we were little told me she liked me, I wasn't really ready for a relationship at that point but I liked her, and didn't want to ruin the friendship we had, so we went out for a couple months and I was actually happy for a couple months instead of just faking. Eventually though I started getting depressed and thought that my life wasn't worth living. So I ended up leaving her. While this was going on in my life my dad was going through a downward spiral because my mom left him, he was drinking constantly, and was following my mom and her boyfriend threatening to have them killed or at least injured. He ended up doing something stupid (nothing to do with my mom or her boyfriend) and ended up getting arrested and spending some time in jail. I attempted suicide and failed, but was still depressed. I started spending more time by myself only going out with friends once a week or less shortly after 420 when I was in Gr. 10 my friends started smoking weed, at first I thought It was bad and ruined your life so I stayed away from them completely for a couple weeks. In that time I found GC and started reading the posts and stories from members on this site and decided weed might actually help me so I tried it and it's like my eyes were instantly opened. I became less depressed and started hanging out with my friends more often. Everything was going fine until about halfway through gr. 12, my group of friends started hanging out less and less until we stopped completely. I started talking to my ex-girlfriend the summer after I finished high school and we started going out for the second time, It was a pretty serious relationship. Or atleast I thought it was, we talked about moving in together alot, and for the first time I saw a future for myself that didn't involve me ending up in a casket before i hit 30, but then we started fighting and I was getting more depressed and didn't really feel like going out and doing anything, so she left me about a couple months ago, since then I've completely lost motivation to do anything, no one but one friend bothers talking to me anymore. If all that wasn't enough a couple weeks ago I noticed a lump on one of my testicles, I ignored it at first and hoped it would go away, but nothings changed except now there's a bit of discomfort to go with it. I don't know what to do anymore GC I don't even know why I posted this, I guess I just want someone to convince me not to give up and curl up in a ball and hope for death any way sorry for rambling but I felt like if I didn't get all this off my chest I was going to explode. sorry for any spelling or grammar error but I was extremely stoned writing this and thanks in advance for anyone who actually reads this.
I sorry for your misfortune man and like the guy said above you need to go check that out, Hopefully it's nothing serious tho. I hope for the best OP
I've struggled with depression and bi polar for a long time it's rough. I can't really tell you how to get over it since i haven't myself. The best thing you can do is keep going, make a goal and work towards it. If you're suicidal you have nothing to lose right? So if you have nothing to lose take a gamble and go out and live and try things. Hell it might go badly but it can't hurt you'll just be back where you started. You nee something to look forward to and find something you enjoy. I haven't found my passion yet and i od'd a few days ago parents found me passed out in my car in the middle of the street. The only thing that keeps me going is the idea that i might as well see it through. It could get better or worse but either option isn't that bad. You die some day anyway might as well experience all the beautiful range of emotions we are gifted with as humans. There are good and bad memories and experiences but without those hard times we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good. Keep your head up man GC loves you.
