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The GrassCity Confessional

Discussion in 'Pandora's Box' started by fAKdded, Oct 9, 2008.

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  1. Confession :

    I haven't had sex in a year and It's killing me.

    I need to bust that shit!
  2. i still miss my ex and dream bout her all the time, even tho she is a stupid bitch and was controlling and was a fucking whore who left me on christmas 3 months before our 4 year anniversary :(

    because she was the only girl i ever fell in love with. all other girls are whores, bitches and dumb skanks.......and i treated her bad when she was the greatest thing in my life
  3. #3 Em Dee Em Aye, Oct 9, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2008
    I used to do whatever I had to do just to get money for pills. I had an extremely bad addiction, I would steal from parents, people I didn't know, and even companies.

    All of that is behind me now, and I don't even smoke weed anymore due to probation for 2 years.

    I was about to have sex with a chick right, and I said how about you give me head first. She gave me had, I busted, she went to go to the bathroom or something I don't remember. I then used my cell phone to call my house phone, and said ''hey dad'' .. ''yeah 2 bacon cheeseburgers'' ''5-10 minutes? Okay'' . I said to the girl look i'm sorry my dad is going to be home so you're going to have to leave, but theres one more favor I need to ask you. Can I borrow 15 bucks to pay for my drug class fee, I'll pay you back. SHe gave me 15 bucks and even baught me a pack of cigarettes too. I don't think I ever saw her again after that.

    I also had sex with my best friends girlfriend while he was locked up.
  4. these things bother me each day and i really need someone to talk to this about without being judged...

    when i was 11 i lived in a house and it had a "presence" in it and it possessed me.. and one day while i was watching my little sister "she was like a year old if not even that. but i stared at her and i tried to suffocate her =( but then caught myself and stopped before too long went by and i feel terrible for this because i have no clue why i would do this :confused: :(
    also.. i have taken the lives of more then 1 person since i've lived in that house. idk just these 2 things are eating me alive and i feel like i'm a terrible person for doing these things i have never been the same since i lived in that house at all i have hate for everyone i see most of the time except my fiance who really brings light into my world.. but when she not here all i can think of is how much i hate people and want them to die =/. i just really need someone to talk to and i dont trust therapists.
  5. I'm so dependent on a feeling. I've noticed this lately, but just the idea of being sober all the time is almost abstract to me, since its been so long.

    I have stopped smoking weed for now. I only have like 1.2 or so grams of high quality bud. I told a friend (not even my best one) that I would just smoke him up with it all tonight. I don't even really want to smoke, though. It just makes me feel like I'm falling back into the hole, the hole that once consumed who I was. I've realized I have a lot of work to do on who I am and how I perceive the world. I've seen amazing

    I only care about 3-4 people in this world. I have an amazing girl, but she's back home (120 miles) and she's the only person who tells me the truth: that smoking and drugs changed me, and she never liked that person. Basically, I met her before I did drugs (even weed), and then I basically just treated her poorly (not like abusive, just never was the same to her and never really gave her the attention she deserves) for about 18 months. Granted, I was with another girl during this time who only perpetuated my usage of drugs. However, that's no excuse. I can see now that I just wanted that just as much as she did. She enabled me and I loved having someone fall into that hole with me. I loved every minute of it. However, back to the girl who matters: I can't believe she is even still interested in me, at all, but I guess she can see something I have lost almost all touch with: who I once was.

    That's the most disturbing part: I see the impact drugs and the toll they have taken on who I was, who I will be, etc. BUT I just don't quit. Ever. Completely. I have these epiphanies that drugs are ruining my life, my potential, when I'm sober but I just fall right back into using because it enhances that pleasure. Then I get depressed quickly after, like day after, because I just fucked up again and went straight back to hell, head first.

    I've only not smoked weed for 4 days in the past 6 months. Before that, the earlier 12 months of my weed usage, I never missed a day. I only once took a "break", which I never wanted so it was never a true break. I have a serious leg injury that I've never completely gotten over. My right knee has meniscus problems, ACL surgery, and PCL surgery (or MCL, I actually forget, but IT IS whatever is more unlikely to simultaneously occur with an ACL tear...if that makes sense haha). I have been prescribed oxy, vicodin, xanax, and tramadol. I have had the worst binges with tramadol, ironically, because I just felt so energetic and it doesn't cause "the nods" like oxy always does. Regardless, I binge on different pills almost constantly.

    I need to stop. The problem is: everyone I know, everyone who likes me, thinks this is what I like. I don't anymore, though. I can hang around them and say no, but I don't even want that scenario to occur. It sucks because when I hang out with the girl, I just feel terrible too knowing that I fall right back into old habits when I leave her sight. I can't ever tell her that I smoke anymore, because last time I told her I quit for good (3 days ago...and I smoked the night and popped pills the night I left her sight). She was so proud of me, saying that she knows it changed me, changed the way I acted, etc.
    I've been living in a dream of my life for 2 years. Every time I'm about to fully wake up, realize its time to start living, I just slide gently back into addiction and numb myself.

    I just feel terrible lying to her, most of all. I was clean when I saw her last time, though...and I don't know long its been since I can say I've had a day away from opiates...I don't need anything with her, I don't "need" anything ever...the problem is that I just fall so easily back into those stupid habits. I want to break them, but my whole life is based around them by this point: the way I feel, the people I'm with, and even how I budget my money.

    So yeah, even though I've smoked every single day this week since Sunday (the last time I saw her), I just have to stop. I guess I wrote this because every time I think about all the things I've lost, how I hurt her, etc. just for a feeling, something so cheap and easily forgotten, I just want to cry. I lost myself somewhere, though, and that's the saddest part. My life is ship-shape on the surface lol. I have plenty of friends, good grades (3.6 in college, sophomore, pre-pharmacy major), and love to play sports and stay active. I'm just dead on the inside...and that's the part of me I rarely ever expose to people. I guess some people think I would have it pretty good: smoking a lot of bud, good social life (few close friends, however), even prescribed some awesome PK's (and a benzo!). But no, drugs put me into a false reality, detached and floating along, just content with existing and nothing more. As long as that feeling is there, who cares.

    Oh well. The best part about change is you just have to do it. It just sucks because I don't know who I would, or could, ever confide these thoughts to. So I did it here. I have a long way to go, but even with just a couple of sober days, I always feel so much happier and alive. Life will be even more enjoyable when I'm certain that nothing is holding me down. And yes, I was very irresponsible in my usage of substances. However, this isn't a cautionary tale, not some testimonial to how "drugs are bad", and definitely not what I ever wanted to feel like. It just is, and now I have to pick up the pieces.

    I don't know if I should smoke or not tonight, but I guess if I don't know...then I clearly just shouldn't. Either way, I'm going to give all my bud away and let my best friend have a good time with it. I would say wish me luck, but I feel lucky enough just realizing something has to change.

    Also, I'm sure I'll smoke sometime later in life. Weed is an amazing drug. It is awesome and my irresponsibility has no bearing on its potential for good in a person's life. Opiates are amazing, too. However, I started with a legitimate reason for taking them and now I take them to get high. They do nothing for me, in other words. I might as well be sober, but instead I feel the need for euphoria and bliss to blanket my every word and thought. Just a glimpse into the fucked up thoughts I feel when I think about my relationship with drugs.

    I'll return once I've changed. :wave:
  6. i say that i'm never going to get married, cause i don't wanna spend the rest of my life with only one person. but the truth is, i'm bisexual (the real kind,) and i don't want to marry a man and crave women forever, or vice versa. and i think i'm too jealous to try the threesome/swinging/open marriage thing. i guessed i'm cursed to a life of being single. : (

  7. hahahah this is awesome! i have a couple friends who do the same thing. i'm realllllyyyy tempted to pull this shit on them. i'm worse than you though, i would tell them i did it to embarrass them. haha
  8. I accidentally broke my friends old bowl and put it back like nothing happened and he thought he did it............
  9. I'd be more than happy to let you have fun with another girl while we did our usual thing (not saying we have a usual thing) but you know.

    You get the best of both worlds and I respect your boundaries. I'd get just as jealous if it were vise versa.

    Straight guy talking though. No MMF shit going to happen. Ever.
  10. I have money problems... like I cant save cash for the life of me when ever I get cash I feel the need to spend it... Im affraid to get a credit card or get a job and move out....
  11. I've hit hoes.
  12. I jerked off in a chuches gyms bathroom in okc
  13. Lol, glad to see this thread going
  14. Im Gay

    Jesus, we all know it was adam and steve.
    Who in return had a test tube baby with eve.

  15. Your attempt at humor failed.

  16. Your attempt at bashing,

  17. LMFAO now that I'm reading what i wrote I did FAIL pretty bad.

  18. No problem man, just joking around,
    i understand! PEACE man =]
  19. I have a chronic jerkoff disorder.
  20. dont we all
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