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Stuff White People Like

Discussion in 'Pandora's Box' started by Madmike420, Apr 30, 2009.

  1. Stuff White People Like

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    People from many cultures like marijuana (South East Asian, Jamaica, India, Morrocco, Mexico, etc), but white people take it to an entirely new level.

    To simply purchase, roll and smoke marijuana is not enough for white people. They need to make sure they know all the different strains, cultivation technique, and methods for smoking it. They even have an entire magazine devoted those where they actually have centerfolds of plants that people have grown.

    White people are also willing to spend over $500 on smoking devices just to find new and more expensive ways to smoke weed.

    It is worth noting that at every white person, at some point, has written a high school or college paper about the history of how the DuPont industry helped make weed illegal. This paper also teaches them about how hemp can be used to fuel cars, make clothing, create food, cure cancer, and solve every single problem on earth.

    While you would assume that most white people smoke weed between 14-28 (and act as though they are the first generation to do so), the reality is that white people smoke weed well into old age. They also smoke weed with their kids! This is not a joke. White people love weed so much that they consider it a ‘gift' to share with their kids. Leading to a generation that was not allowed to watch Power Rangers, but was allowed to toke up.

    All white people believe marijuana should be legalized, and they consider the Netherlands to a pinnacle of enlightenment. Also, every white person has had their most profound weed smoking experience in Amsterdam, so it's a good idea to fabricate a story about your own experience there so you can quickly forge a bond. Traditional tales uses the following words: hostel, brownie, girl/guy from Hungary, crazy, locked out, chill dudes from Ireland.

    Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should ever imply that people just smoke weed to get high, they do it for medical/spiritual/social reasons, etc, or that there are any negative consequences. This will likely alienate you from white people.

    On the plus side, white people are always looking for higher quality, more potent, more organic marijuana. If you promise to hook them up with a special selection from your home country, they will likely pay a high premium.
     
  2. Its all true except i smoke just to get really fucking stoned. Besides if white people didn't bitch and do research to help legalize who will?
     
  3. IDK what to say. I want to say that you are racist as fuck, but I can't because you've actually made a bunch of true points.
     
  4. that was pretty fuckin racist...
     

  5. Dude click the link! It's a website! It's just comedy! Plus it's not racist if a white person says it!
     

  6. Don't be offended!

    To be offended is usually a rather unpleasant experience, one that can expose a person to intolerance, cultural misunderstandings, and even evoke the scars of the past. This is such an unpleasant experience that many people develop a thick skin and try to only be offended in the most egregious and awful situations. In many circumstances, they can allow smaller offenses to slip by as fighting them is a waste of time and energy. But white people, blessed with both time and energy, are not these kind of people. In fact there are few things white people love more than being offended.

    Naturally, white people do not get offended by statements directed at white people. In fact, they don't even have a problem making offensive statements about other white people (ask a white person about “flyover states”). As a rule, white people strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.

    It is also valuable to know that white people spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended. They read magazines, books, and watch documentaries all in hopes that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive. When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples. Once they have finished lecturing another white person about how it's wrong to use the term “black” instead of “African-American,” they can sit back and relax in the knowledge that they have made a difference.

    White people also get excited at the opportunity to be offended at things that are sexist and/or homophobic. Both cases offering ample opportunities for lectures, complaints, graduate classes, lengthy discussions and workshops. All of which do an excellent job of raising awareness among white people who hope to change their status from “not racist” to “super not racist.”

    Another thing worth noting is that the threshold for being offended is a very important tool for judging and ranking white people. Missing an opportunity to be outraged is like missing a reference to Derrida-it's social death.

    If you ever need to make a white person feel indebted to you, wait for them to mention a book, film, or television show that features a character who is the same race as you, then say “the representation of <insert race> was offensive and if you can't see that, well, you need to do some soul searching.” After they return from their hastily booked trip to land of your ancestors, they will be desperate to make it up to you. At this point, it is acceptable to ask them to help you paint your house.

    AND PS IT"S JUST COMEDY!
    LINK
     
  7. I find what you said is true among most weed smokers I know regardless of race.
     
  8. lol at people not knowing what stuff white people like is. Great book.
     
  9. its racist.. but its true. lulz
     
  10. here is a personal favorite

    #40 Apple Products

    It is surprising that it took all the way to #40 to call out Apple products. Initially, we were planning for an entire week on Apple products, but that would just be over kill.

    Plain and simple, white people don't just like Apple, they love and need Apple to operate.

    On the surface, you would ask yourself, how is that white people love a multi-billion dollar company with manufacturing plants in China, mass production, and that contributes to global pollution through the manufacture of consumer electronic devices?

    Simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet.

    You see, a long time ago Apple's were super popular among layout artists and graphic designers. Then Apple released Final Cut Pro and became the standard for film editors. As a result, lots of creative industries used Apple computers instead of PCs. Eventually, people started making the connection, and all of a sudden all white people need to have a Mac.

    When you ask white people about Mac's they will say “oh, it's so much better than Windows,” “it's just easier to use,” “they are so cutting edge,” and so forth. What's amazing is that white people NEED to meet people who use Windows to justify themselves spending an extra $500 for a pretty looking machine.

    It is also important that white people are reminded of their creativity, and remember you need a Mac to creatively check email, creatively check websites, and creatively watch DVDs on planes.

    White people also need iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, AirPort Express stations, and anything else that Apple will produce. Because you need to express your uniqueness by purchasing everything that a publicly traded company produces.

    Apple products also come with stickers. Some people put them on their computer, some people put them on windows, but to take it to the pinnacle of whiteness, you need to put the Apple sticker in the rear window of your Prius, Jetta, BMW, Subaru 4WD Station Wagon or Audi. You then need to drive to a local coffee shop (Starbucks will do in a pinch) and set up your apple for the world to see. Thankfully, the Apple logo on the back will light up! So even in a dark place, people can see how unique and creative you (and the five other people doing the exact same thing) truly are!

    Knowledge of Apple products can be useful in a number of social situations. If you see a white person with a Mac, an easy way to approach them is to say “Is that a Powerbook? What OS do you have?” They will happily start talking to you, after the requisite five minutes, you can invite them to an
     

  11. lmao didn't think it was racist but not gonna lie. As soon as you said you were white I thought "oh it's deffinitely not racist now"

    White people can't joke about any other race...can't we make fun of our own?
     
  12. I cant argue with any of that, i laughed many times. Thats me its like magic or soemthng. I like magic. I'm white. I'm going to go get spiritual now.
     
  13. I have sea salt....but I jacked it from TGIF


    #119 Sea Salt


    Regardless of how much a white person cooks or how long they have lived in their current home, they all have a tube of sea salt in their pantry. In fact, it's one of the few foodstuffs that white people will actually bring with them when they move. This is because sea salt is expensive and while white people have money, they didn't get that way by throwing away $7 packages of salt.

    When white people think about regular salt, all they can think about sodium and poor health. When they think about Sea Salt they think about France. So it's no surprise that it has become so popular.

    But Sea Salt is like Trader Joes, Banksy, or The Shins-entry level to their respective field. Therefore, it is important that you learn about other more expensive salts so that you can complain about not having them. To a white person, this shows that you know and love expensive things but feel sad that you can't yet afford them.

    From here you can fill up an entire evening by making the same complaints about art, real estate or Europe.
     
  14. We see this one a lot on grasscity!

    #75 Threatening to Move to Canada

    Often times, white people get frustrated with the state of their country. They do not like the President, or Congress, or the health care system, or the illegal status of Marijuana. Whenever they are presented with a situation that seems unreasonable to them, their first instinct is to threaten to move to Canada.

    For example, if you are watching TV with white people and there is a piece on the news about that they do not agree with, they are likely to declare “ok, that's it, I'm moving to Canada.”

    Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs are so strong, that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly different to the one they live in now.

    Within white culture, it is agreed upon that if Canada had better weather it would be a perfect place.

    Being aware that this information can be used quite easily to gain the trust of white people. Whenever they say, “I'm moving to Canada,” you must immediately respond with “I have relatives in Canada.”

    They will then expect you to tell them about how Canada has a perfect healthcare system, legalized everything, and no crime. Though not true, it will reassure them that they are making the right choice by saying they want to move there.

    But be warned, they will reference you in future conversations and possibly call on you to settle disputes about Canadian tax rates. So use this advice only if you plan to do some basic research.
     

  15. Great point!

    I found this stuff pretty funny, I wasn't sure what I was reading at first but I'm glad I did ha
     
  16. #16 blazedandcrazed, Apr 30, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2009
    haha oh man. some of this stuff is so perfectly put

    Manhattan (and now Brooklyn, too!)
    Threatening to move to Canada
    The idea of soccer
    Self aware hip hop references
    Wrigley field
     
  17. My wife NEEDS her coffee!

    #1 Coffee

    There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, it's true that asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy it. But I promise you that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. You could kind of tell they didn't enjoy it, but they did it anyways until they liked it - like cigarettes.

    White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They are also fond of saying “you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.” White guys will also call it anything but coffee: “rocket fuel,” “java,” “joe,” “black gold,” and so forth. It's pretty garbage all around.

    If you want to go for extra points - white people really love FAIR TRADE coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference.
     
  18. Putting aside the blatant racism, it was primarily white people that made marijuana illegal, at least in the United States. In fact prohibition was created as a racist law used to persecute Mexican immigrants and migrant workers.

    I find much of the broad generalizations to apply to the 18-28 age range of marijuana smokers. It does not even fit as a white stereotype much. The piece had potential for hilarity, but frankly fell flat on the poorly chosen demographic.
     



  19. So it would have been funny if it was about black people? Um.......
     
  20. #11 Asian Girls

    95% of white males have at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors have contributed to this phenomenon such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the Nuclear bomb and the Viet Nam War . This exchange works both ways as asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya's dad are the only recorded instances in modern history). Asian girls often to do this to get back at their strict traditional fathers. There is also the option of dating black guys, but they know deep down that this would give their non-english speaking grandmother(s) a heart attack.
    White men love asian women so much that they will go to extremes such as stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA (please note that both schools' colors of “blue” and “yellow” are intentional also the “A” in “UCLA” stand for “Asian” while the “B” in “UBC” stands for “Billion” try and figure out what the rest of the letters stand for). Another factor that draws white guys to asian women is that white women are jealous of them.
    Take for instance the fact that asian women well into their 30s and 40s retain teen / college girl looks without the help of botox, yoga or a trendy diet (future posts). Asian women also avoid key white women characteristics such as having a mid life crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don't involve taking care of the children (also future posts). Should white guy / asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are atheistically pleasing, but are very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the asian peoples in the population race, as most of the hybrids often act white rather than asian.
     
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