I don't always speak plainly, don't always reveal what I really feel. Change what comes out, alter it, play with it, work on it, so that it isn't the pure thing, the original spirit. Thinking the letter is as important, when it can so easily become all that matters. The word says everything, but the voice and the body language say so much more. I'm tired of this dimension. Tired of only communicating with the fingers. I know why I do, and choose to do, but in the space it gives me to speak, also stops me from speaking. There is only so far I can go with word, even though it can be pretty fucking far. And yet, I never do anything to change that. There are some who could be spoken to. Some who could be talked to aside. The idea of PM rarely exists for me unless someone sends me something. I never know what is appropriate other than what is said, and as most gets said in public, that's where I prefer to be. Trouble is, most only open up in private, some have contacted me this way. None, except one, still continues. \nI sometimes imagine what I forget - all the conversations that go on behind closed doors. For me, none of that exists. But the effects of them effect me without knowing how. Somehow, even though many conversations have taken place behind the scenes, many times I feel they would have sparked of more were others to know them. Of course, they wouldn't be happening at all outside of this private moment, but still. \nThe idea of friends seems alien to me. Some have chosen to become friends, asked to become friends, just declared they were. But what that means has no real meaning, and I simply accept and move on. \nSo while what I say goes through phases here. More me, less me, more advice, less advice, more listening, less listening, more feeling less feeling, more words, less words, it's all me, yet not all me. \nI spend much time in my head. When all else fails, it is always there to go to. I don't believe all that goes on there, and certainly don't put into practice some of it. It is a melting pot of ideas and observations, coupled with a smattering of beleiefs, much of which have no purpose. \nThe world itself is an awesome place. No matter how much one sees and experiences, every time something occurs it is new. So, by not repeating much of what has been, even the mundane can have something in it. Out of the most unlikely moments something real can emerge. Those unique set of circumstances, no matter how similar they seemed a moment ago, now produce a feeling that only this exists. Of course we know this is true, but to really feel it profoundly, changes everything. \nI recently went through something like that. For a time, nothing existed outside that moment. Hours went by with that being all that was. The space, the people, the energy, the feelings, the actions, all typical and mundane in their individual parts, but as a whole, created a reality that when it was over, required me to come back to what was there before as if finding it all again. My old life. The me that was before was still there because the life was still there, but the me that had just been, was a me unlike the me I usually am. A very different me that had an effect on those around me in a way I wasn't expecting. Just as they had an effect on me in much the same way. Each of them differently, some easier than others, some much harder, until eventually, I had had enough, or so I thought. Couldn't accept it a moment longer, even though there was much to accept, much that could have been, that only now I see. What had been so present, in the moment and accepted, became resisted and could no longer be. That feeling, that reaction, ended that experience which in turn has led to writing this. \nWhy do I bring it up? Good question. I forget how real life can be outside my head. There's only so much imagining anyone can do. At some point one has to stop imagining and experience it, and then experience it better. The forum experience can be a wonderful, rewarding, fun, connecting, time. But just as towards the end of my recent experience, many of the players who had been so instrumental in making it what it was were no longer there, so the experience no longer mattered. \nFamily comes and goes - it always has for me. Not blood family, although they have too, but those who become like family. For me, they are my family while I spend time with them because on one level we all are, but we walk our own path. We give of ourselves as we go, in whatever way we can, but at the end of the day, we can only ever step in one spot at one time. I choose to spend much time here. I have much time to do so. But in doing so, and feeling rewarded, I have no reason to do anything else. I follow my passion, my excitement, and if this feels like that, nothing else is needed. But when that isn't felt, something else is needed, and it seems like something else IS needed. Life outside of my head. The world has become a small village technologically, but a hard and tiresome one to traverse irl, what with all the fear the war on terror has produced. The fear creates all the things people do, and if you could go backwards on its timeline, you would see that everything stems from it. So without it, what it produces doesn't exist, and if that doesn't exist, nothing should stop anyone from being in it. \nI am not afraid of being in it, only resistant to being a certain person in it. A person affected by the intentions and desires of others is not me. It has been, can be, but isn't me. While I like to do for those who need, if I can do what I can do, some of it avoids having to do certain things that I don't prefer. I live alone around those I live around. It helps having them, and they make my life easier, but it's not truly alone, nor truly in the world. Sometimes I think I must be completely in, and sometimes I think I must be completely out, but I know I can be neither. I must be in and out, in when i'm out and out when i'm in. All life is the same. Inside outside, same. It is what it is, from moment to moment. What kind of moment do I want it to be? \nTo swing the other way. To let go of what has been in every way. To do it another way and see what that life feels like. To let go of everything that was, so that who was doing it can change into someone else. It is time to metamorphise. It is time for the Dr. to regenerate. I must reinvent. Release. Clear away the old so that I am not pulled back into what feels like old, but move forward into what feels like awakening, joy, expansion and love. \nNot easy to love when you know how to. Not easy for that love to be seen as love. Too easy for love to become not love, and when that happens, you know it's time to go. It has been time for me to go for some time.