So, I've had about three panic attacks within the last few hours and I have no idea why. My brain has been broken the past few weeks. I want to think it has something to do with exhaustion...waking up early every day for summer classes. Or maybe it's because I started my period and it's drained me physically... I'm not sure what it is. But recently it's been exceedingly harder to just get up. Get going. I thought maybe it was the heat. It's been ridiculously hot here and I just moved cities for school and I'm not used to how stinking humid it is in my new town. It's making my body ache...swell...my joints hurt. But the heat is killing my lungs. I've had battles with respiratory infections ever since about '08. I'm prone to pneumonia now (I don't know why...), and one year had it for about three months straight. I was even hospitalized for asthmatic bronchitis (I was pretty much not able to take a healthy breath all day. It got so bad I had to be admitted to the ER). I thought maybe the heat/poor air quality combined with that might have caused my panic attacks, lethargy... But...I don't know. My brain hasn't been right either. Like yesterday on the bus I kept feeling drips of water on my shoulders. I guess it was a leak somewhere in the AC unit..or something..until I felt it hit the back of my leg. Thinking back on the situation, it seems like it was just a leak but I instantly got paranoid that these two women in the back of the bus were squirting me with a water gun as like a prank or something. Gosh, I'm a nice person, but I've never given two strangers a more disgusting look than I did then. I then started freaking out thinking maybe they put their blood in it and were trying to infect me with HIV. Surprisingly, that's not an uncommon thing for me to freak out about, but where was my logic? It bugged me up until my bus stop. If even distracted me from life at the moment and I nearly forgot to pull the "Stop Requested" chord. I don't know why I could be so exhausted...stressed...depressed. My life is going great atm. Me and my boyfriend are doing good. I'm doing great in school. I'm getting positive attention about my art and for the first time in, well...a very long time. I feel I can become a notable artist. But also I'm noticing things about me that I have either kept hidden or have refused to acknowledge. My desire to have a child. My deep and trouble confusion with gender roles and sexuality. My fear of death. I'm not sure. It seems like everyone I talk to besides my boyfriend and family and old friends are in a separate bubble than me. Like...I can feel that they don't know me and are trying to size me up and figure me out. I don't usually notice that. And even people who I've talked to, say, during the spring, but am interacting more with now...I notice. I just don't know. Also, it's not pot-related. Frankly, the only time I smoke pot now-a-days is when I'm feeling ill. Which is still only once every few months.
Also I'm starting to get very wary of the internet, social networking, etc. It gets to the point where when I see something on facebook, like a recommendation, or something, I get very snide, cynical, paranoid. But I think that's normal for everyone at the moment. But it gets to the point where I want to hire someone to remove me from the internet.
I'd say I got for a total of three walks a week. But I also do a lot of walking to/from bus stops to school... So I'm not like, on my butt all day. But there have been times where I would get engrossed with a video game or something and spend weeks just playing that game, and it while it does fuck with me, I'm not sure it's comparable to what's been going on. But as far as like, lifting weights and jogging and such, I don't really do that. But I go for walks with my dog about three times a week.
Sounds a lot like bipolar schizophrenia like what i had. See a psychiatrist to be sure they know a lot about the brain. It really could be anything im no doctor.
I've been thinking about seeing a doctor. Because not only have I had these severely paranoid ideas, but there have been strange things that affect me physically and emotionally that didn't before. I'm just apprehensive about confiding in a psychiatrist because I have little trust in them. My sister and I have both been to a psychiatrist when we were younger and both had less-than-favorable experiences. I'm also afraid that the psychiatrist will include too much of his/her religious beliefs into the advice/interpretations. That's what happened when I was younger. I have no trust in religious advice. But I'm sure, being older and having a more firm ground in my beliefs, I can avoid any (please don't take this the wrong way) attempts of brainwashing.
Plus I have a hard time articulating vocally what is going on with me. I seem to be afraid of saying something out loud so I avoid saying it at all. I can say it as loud and as proud as I want on the internet, but when I hear it out loud, my ears just burn. And then I start wondering why I should feel like I should see a doctor about these problems. Like, it makes me feel like I'm being self entitled or trying to be special, or different. When it might sum up to me just being an overworked confused college student. I'm not sure. As you might notice I have a hard time finding my place...So I'm confused. Am I mentally unhealthy? Or am I just confused. I guess it's possible to be both.
That helped a few hours ago when I almost fainted. I've never fainted before but I know it was going to happen. When I was having troubles breathing (probably due to the asthma, heat, pollution, and anxiety), I thought I was having a heart attack. And convinced myself by looking up heart attack symptoms. Although I was sitting down, I got so overwhelmed with the feeling of impending doom and death that I got very light headed and laid down. Honestly though. This is the most I've talked about myself in a very fucking long time. It embarrasses me to think about how much of myself I am sharing, but frankly. I feel I need to share.
I think its that you are anxious or nervous about living in a new place or changing schools. Do anxiety or other personality disorders run in your family? Your mental state can affect your both your spiritual and physical bodies.
Yeah, you should go for walk 7 days a week. Contrary to popular belief, even females need to lift weights. All you have to do is lift a 10 pound weight,which isn't to hard, and you'll see the benefits from it. Planed exercise helps with having a healthy mind. If you don't take my word for it, listen to Dr. Emmons Exercise: How Does This Promote A Healthy Mind And Body? - Dr. Emmons - VIDEO - EmpowHER.com
That's a good thought. But I moved in December and kicked butt last semester. It could be that I'm nervous about my impending graduation but I don't see how it would affect me now, during such a quiet time as summer semester. My sister and I have similar mental health.
Thanks for the link. I know, I really have no excuse for not exercising more and I know it will improve my day-to-day life and I will certainly be getting out and doing more.
I apologize. I'm being very difficult...very stubborn. As if I think I know what's wrong with me and will not listen to anyone else until I hear what I want to hear. But that's really not it. I just want feedback. Stories. Advice. If I shoot anything down it really isn't personal. And I'm sure when I wake up tomorrow, have had time to sleep...rest... Then I will look at every word on this thread with great logic and will be able to see how I can use it to better understand what might be happening. And I understand no one is a doctor. Only I know what I'm experiencing. I just was so helpless...and nobody's around...I just needed to talk. "talk"
Congrats on the good grades. I would guess you are adjusted to your new living situation by now. Your overall future which may entail work or a graduate program may be a stressor on you. My family suffers from anxiety disorders, including myself. I use to allow negative thoughts to control my actions. I would be worried about embarrassing myself which would only make me more nervous and tense. This led to me question every action or inaction in terms of how I would be perceived. I have now accepted that I have a negative ego. When I think these negative reoccurring thoughts, I accept them, do not change my behavior from them, and move on to more positive thoughts. Hope this helps
Exercise, Exercise, Exercise - it cant hurt, and has always helped me and my crazy assed family members. Yoga, weights, running, biking, swimming (yeah, swimming in this heat). I like to remind myself that its a sick fucking world that we live in. Cut yourself some slack. I like to camp, but just sitting in your room with the light off can give me peace when i'm stressed. meditate! BUT DON'T ruminate.
When you have a minute or two, you should relax and do something makes you happy 2 years ago I had a psychosis that lasted a couple of weeks, (it started because I drank too much energy drinks... Yeah too much caffeine can give psychotic symptoms, but it was also at a time where I experimented a lot with unmentionables) but it started to go away after I realised I had to calm the fuck down So just do something you like, that you know will make you happy, and relax! (and If you drink coffee/energy drinks, you should take a "C-Break")
do you have any problems with your parents? sometimes people(including myself) are very emotional dependent with the father or the mother, now if you had any fights with them in the last couple of months or in the last years and you still havent forgive them in your heart then that might be whats going on in your head. This i say because its what i think its happening to me, all my life ive been very close t my father but a year ago or so, we got into a very big fight, he kicked me out of the house, i still live with him but i show no feelings to him, i limit myself to talk just the basic words, i think that is messing with my self confidence and so, because im missing one big emotional part. I get your lack of trust to phychiatrist doctors, nobody knows yourself better than you, and there are so many things that could be going on, that is very possible that the diagnosis may result wrong, besides the posibility that like you said, they try to get their own believes into your head! Guess that what im trying to say is that, from my personal experience(ive been feeling alot like you are), i think that what you should do is talk to people(or post in forums haha) and try to look inside and find what is really buggin you.