Some jokes for you's

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by sidious, Nov 27, 2002.

  1. Well i just discovered the motherload of all mate printed off every joke that he'd ever received....i'll be posting them over a long period of time as i don't have a fucking good ol fashioned way...:(

    An Englishman, American, and Irishman walk into a bar and order a beer. The barman hands them there beer, however each pint has a fly in it....Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says.."that's disgusting"....The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking it....The Irishman pulls the fly out onto the bar and shouts..."Spit it out you little bastard"......Peace out....Sid
  2. A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat....They all sit down and the man orders 3 pints and pays for them....when they finished the ostrich calls over the barman and asks for another 3 pints....once they'd downed them the bloke tells the cat, "it's your round get the drinks in".....the cat immediatly tells him to fuck off.

    The barman is puzzled by the strange trio and asks the guy about his companions...the guy replied..."It's strange really, but i found this lamp and a genie popped out....he gave me 3 wishes and those 2 are the end result"

    the barman says "you wished for a fucking cat that doesn't buy it's round and an ostritch?"

    "No i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

    LMAO.....Peace out...Sid....;P
  3. This guy walks into a bar and orders 2 beers, he downs one and pours the other one over his hand. He asks the barman for another 2 .....once he gets them he does exactly the same thing....the barman looks at him kinda funny....the guy orders 2 more and the barman asks...."Mr why are you drinking a pint and pouring the other one over you're hand?"

    The guy replies..."Because i want my date to be as drunk as i am.".....

    Peace out....Sid...>:D<
  4. What have Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Bagdad got in common???

    Nothing yet!!!......Peace out...Sid

    Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

    Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

    Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

    Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

    Spouse's Name: __________________________

    Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

    Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

    Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

    Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

    ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

    Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

    Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

    How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

    How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

    Peace out....Sid
  6. A fellow Scot on tour in America, sampling the fine out....Sid

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  7. Hahahhaahhahahaa Those are funnny as hell! LOLOLOl
  8. A few funny comments made in the media.

    MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
    warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:

    "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

    HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

    "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

    Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed:

    "I had a good eight inches last night."

    TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the recent England v Germany match:

    "He's certainly led by example this evening and his injury's stood up superbly."

    PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive:

    "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap!"

    Lorraine Kelly on GMTV:

    "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."

    CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name famous motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said:

    "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes good when you suck it."
    "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies."

    MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

    "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

    JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:

    "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

    Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:

    "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."

    DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:

    "You're a bit of a knockers man."
    "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

    ARTHUR Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters on the Antiques Roadshow. He told their attractive owner:

    "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."

    DURING a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked:

    "This is a very difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches between the balls."

    Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good:

    "Some women will do anything for that extra three inches."

    AFTER comparing real-life copper Ron Caddon to the fictional cops in The Bill, TVam's Mike Morris summed up:

    "We need more Rons to join our police force."

    HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:

    "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last

    WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:

    "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

    ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:

    "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

    BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:

    "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

    David Coleman:

    "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."

    DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:

    "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

    CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

    "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

    CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

    "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

    Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground Force:

    "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied........"But I need a few more inches."

    A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver:

    "They don't come any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."

    CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined:

    "And this one tastes like Cox."

    JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

    "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

    Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

    "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

    STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships:

    "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."

    A BOLEX is a type of camera, which is why Peter Alliss told the
    photographer blocking his view:

    "Move your Bolex to one side, there's a good chap."

    THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away:

    "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
    Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:

    "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

    CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors:

    "That's enough Dick for both of you."

    EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:

    "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."

    SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly when she said:

    "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."

    STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:

    "There's something big growing between my legs."

    CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:

    "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

    BROUGH Scott:

    "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is it Lester Piggott?"

    DAN Maskell:
    "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin."

    Peace out....Sid
  9. those are great. later
  10. I love this game...this is what you'd expect to hear if you were throwing snowballs at someones window in the west coast of out....Sid
  11. ps just grab the white hand on the rhs of the screen and pull back...hit a window.....Peace out...Sid
  12. some funny pics....Peace out...Sid

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  13. ......another...

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  14. ....and another....

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  15. and more....

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  16. .......

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