Should i feel bad?

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by Zr-01stamg, May 14, 2010.

  1. #1 Zr-01stamg, May 14, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2010
    Ok i'll give you some background on my mental health because it is a big factor in this story. I have OCD Social Anxiety Disorder, Schizophrenia, bi-polar I have had these my whole life. I actually had it as a child and imagined this horrible haunting in my house. I believed there was a demon living there trying to get me. I saw it, heard it all thetime i showed classic signs of all of it. I knew things as a kid and baby that i never should have known. Noone caught on.

    In 6th grade the entire class used to make fun of me and i went to a Private Quaker school. I told the teachers and they did nothing. So i had to take it into my own hands i stabbed a kid in the throat with my pencil and by 8th grade had fucked up my entire class at one time or another. I also shattered an older kids hand and forearm in my 3rd fight ever. Now i'm no small dude either 6'0 250 lbs did weight lifting and i know practice kajukenpo. The bullying i just described was the reason i left that school and moved to public school with my friends from in town. This bullying also played a key part in starting my Social Anxiety problems i believe it is the main reason i developed my violent and social withdrawan attitude. i mean i still have alot of friends i jsut can't be in a large group of people or in a noisy busy place without wanting to kill someone or having a anxiety attack.

    Now i am also very smart, i started reading a year or so before everyone else and was through kindergarten and pre school 2 years ahead of other kids. Now my parents equated all my odd behaviors to the quirks of a genius. No it was symptoms of the horrible beast to come. I actually scored in the top 93% on my SAT for the west coast. I am also well versed in psychology. i helped my girlfriend pass her psych class and i have never even cracked open a book about it. i can just feel people out and read their personality and decision making traits in a couple of minutes. That is not normal for a kid, i was doing this to adults when i was iin 6th grade or so and i know my answers about people were right because they would always confirm that i had guessed their most inner hidden feelings anything from issues with parents as a kid to abuse etc.

    Now in my sohpomore year in highschool everything went down hill i started having anxiety attacks along with dealing with sever gall bladder disease, acid reflux, ulcers, hietal ghurnia and so on. This caused me to skip ALOT 72 days in a semester but i was still passing my AP classes.

    Fast forward to junior year it got so bad i had to start going to online highschool so i wouldn't havet to be around people as much. This helped but the relationship between me and my parents was very strained, huge fights, smashing of stuff. At one point they had taken my clothes away, car away, alll electronics and i was only allowed to eat top ramen and water. I had done nothing wrong either i got caught drinking once . Who the fuck doesn't party in high school? This while situation wit my parents went much deeper and more emotional than what i'm telling but i'm giong to tell you i was the one trying to help our relationship and change it they just wanted to control me. They forced me to sell my mustang my pride and joy (as seen in my sig).

    So i finally moved out to my girlfriends house. Things got better but not all the way better so decided the anxiety attacks were too much i need to see a doc. First month my diagnosis goes form simple OCD and axiety to Sever Bi-polar, schizo etc etc. Weir d thing is snince i'm smart (i know makes me sound like an ass but its the only way i can explain it) I can hide my diseases very very well the only one that really knkows how sick i am is me. Everyone else thinks im fine or faking. I'm not fiine my life has been reduced to fubble. No more scholoarships, no more friends, i can not work, i lost my relationsihp with my whole family. These diseases destroye dmy life. I have made up wit my parents recently which helps but we're all still fucked up.

    Now i'm trying to get SSI from the state so i can have some money to pay for my cost of living and get a place wih my cousin, who is pretty much my brother. Should i feel bad for living off the state? my parents keep making fun of me for taking government aid but it's the only way i can afford my psychiatrist and medications. It wouldn't be forever either just until i get well enough to start college since i graduate this year i have till next year to get healthy.

    I wanna know should i feel guilty for all the things that have happened since i am the one who is sick. Is it all my fault? am i just delusional thinking that my parents and i's relationship could not be saved? I don't know what i should think. How much of this is my fault how much should i feel guilty for. It's a hard thing to look back and think that all your perceptions of life were fucking wrong and you're actually crazy. It destroyed me shook me to my core i cannot trust even myself now. What should i do? How can i decipher my past and know which parts i saw clearly and which ones are just part of my psychotic life?
  2. number fucking one??
    i do not believe you have been clinicaly diagnosed
    with all of those at once...seriously
    you cant have that shit all at one time
    so i dont believe you there
    i think maybe

    you need to smoke a joint
    ..go get a job,
    and not say you have all of that

    because you make yourself sound
    fucking stupid

    im sorry
    just being honest

  3. Uh go fuck yourself i have been clinicaly diagnosed and forced into the mental hospital for a week. i am on very strong anit psychotics, lithium, and anafernil

    and yes i can have them all at one time you know what it does? FUCKING destroys your life like i jsut triend to explain in that long ass post.
  4. haha
    i really do not believe you
    im going to college for this shit rite now man
    you CANNOT be shizo, bipolar, ocd and have social anxiety??
    like forreal
    thats called something else
    by the way you talk on seem normal man
    but i can be decieved as well
    but really it just sounds like you need to smoke some pot

    im not trying to fucking insult you, so please dont take offense

    i am literaly just

    confused as shit
  5. Sorry if i get defensive but you gotta understand i do have it. I don't enjoy having and yes it is a very rare set of diseases and i talk normal because like i said just because i'm crazy doesn't mean i'm not smart. Noone knew i had any of this until a few months ago that's why i'm trying to make sense of my past since i now know why i did all those things i couldn't exxplain earlierr i just made this thread to see if you guyes could help me get a little clarification of it all.
  6. Obviously you're not paying attention in your classes, then. Don't be an asshole if you don't know what you're talking about in the first place.

    "That's" not called anything else: it's a diagnosis of schizophrenia (sounds like paranoid subtype, am I right OP?), bipolar disorder, OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder. If you were actually paying attention in your classes, you'd know that each of those disorders manifest in a very different way.

    Now, if he came in here and said he had seasonal affective disorder, major depression, and bipolar disorder, there'd be a problem, as they all fall into the same general axis of the DSM-IV-TR. But he's not. Several of my patients have the exact same diagnosis. I see their charts everyday, so no, he isn't spewing bullshit. But you are.

    As to your question, OP, no, you should not feel guilty. The past is the past for a reason. The only thing you can do is try to better yourself in the future. Keep on top of your meds and therapy if you're prescribed it, and just keep your head up man :)
  7. No you definetly shoudln't feel bad. Your parents are being complete and utter douchebags. Fuck em. You seem to be one of the few people that actually needs government help. One of the few people not fucking the system over. Don't feel bad at alll
  8. You need to take control and use your "smarts" to stop yourself from tripping out,the brain is the control center so take the wheel and handle it.It sounds like you are used to using instincts ,not some type of special ability or mental disability.
  9. Lol how'd you guess with the paranoid part?

    And thanks guys i'm glad some other people are atleast slightly on my side with this. My whole family just talks shit about me tells me i'm gonna be a drug addict by 21
  10. dude..dont insult me, thats unneccasery
    iagree tho, dont feel bad for anything, you cant help it

    but really...having all of that, would classify you
    under something else
    i swear
    instead of saying, oh i have this this and this
    it would just be, like one name for it
    becaise theres so many variations of each one
    i mean i guess its possible
    but dude ive been paying attention dick face
    i was just never told that you could have those certain things, together, like that

    it really fucking

    ..baffled me
    or whatever

  11. Cuz I've been studying this for the last 8 years of my life haha, and I've been employed in the mental health field for the past 4 working with patients with psychosis. You describe symptoms, like seeing, feeling, and hearing a demon, which accompanied you for many years. That's a symptom of the paranoid subtype, and only the paranoid subtype :D

  12. All you'd have to do is open up a copy of the DSM-IV-TR to see that you can have all that, and there's no blanket term that all those disorders fall under.

    Surely you know what the DSM is, and own a copy of it, if you're studying this in school.
  13. Pussy, you don't have the shit you claim to have. Grow up and be a man.
  14. You should feel terrible, OP. Seriously though, you're just looking for attention that's all it is
  15. seriously dude, fuck your family. You're in control of your life not them. Some people find it harder to control their life, but it's always possible. You got it dude
  16. yea, i dont own it, i would love to
    arnt they coming out with a new copy this year of it??

    cause i think the last one
    was from like 10 or so years ago???

    and really?? dude insults op for attnetion?
    goddammit, you people have to understand its chemicals
    nobody acts fucking schizo for 'the hell of it'
    they cant fucking help how they think

    just like you cant help but be a douchebag all the time
    i would assume you understand blowcockallday?
  17. but serously man
    i think smoking some weed would help you
    feel alot better, relive your stress
    maybe gain your sense of self being back
    slow down your thought process
    give you time to REALLY think
    these diseases are so fucked up..
    may i ask

    what kin of ocd you have?

  18. If I remember correctly, the new version is coming out in 2013. It'll be interesting to see how it's gonna change from the current version, but I'm not excited to have to shell out all that money for it when I just bought mine 4 years ago haha

    You can go to practically any bookstore and get a DSM-IV-TR study guide for $15. It has almost everything in it that the DSM does, like descriptions of the various illnesses, the amount of time it takes to diagnose somebody with a certain illness, symptoms and treatment options, etc. About the only thing it's missing is all the stuff a therapist needs to know like categorization techniques and dimensional classification techniques. If you're serious about psychology I would definitely pick one'll come in so handy, especially when you get into abnormal psychology and beyond. Just don't tell any of your classmates about it, so you can be top of the class ;)
  19. Nice double post. This guy claims to be smart, yet asks if he should feel bad for having a mental disorder?? And being schizo doesn't justify stabbing someone in the fucking neck with a pencil

    Edit: Name calling is against the rules, maybe you should read them.

  20. And you're just being a troll, so maybe you should read the rules.

    If you knew anything about the disorders the OP has, you'd know that blaming themselves for past actions is often a crippling symptom, especially in the case of schizophrenia.

    So get out the thread with your bullshit.

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