Ok i'll give you some background on my mental health because it is a big factor in this story. I have OCD Social Anxiety Disorder, Schizophrenia, bi-polar I have had these my whole life. I actually had it as a child and imagined this horrible haunting in my house. I believed there was a demon living there trying to get me. I saw it, heard it all thetime i showed classic signs of all of it. I knew things as a kid and baby that i never should have known. Noone caught on. In 6th grade the entire class used to make fun of me and i went to a Private Quaker school. I told the teachers and they did nothing. So i had to take it into my own hands i stabbed a kid in the throat with my pencil and by 8th grade had fucked up my entire class at one time or another. I also shattered an older kids hand and forearm in my 3rd fight ever. Now i'm no small dude either 6'0 250 lbs did weight lifting and i know practice kajukenpo. The bullying i just described was the reason i left that school and moved to public school with my friends from in town. This bullying also played a key part in starting my Social Anxiety problems i believe it is the main reason i developed my violent and social withdrawan attitude. i mean i still have alot of friends i jsut can't be in a large group of people or in a noisy busy place without wanting to kill someone or having a anxiety attack. Now i am also very smart, i started reading a year or so before everyone else and was through kindergarten and pre school 2 years ahead of other kids. Now my parents equated all my odd behaviors to the quirks of a genius. No it was symptoms of the horrible beast to come. I actually scored in the top 93% on my SAT for the west coast. I am also well versed in psychology. i helped my girlfriend pass her psych class and i have never even cracked open a book about it. i can just feel people out and read their personality and decision making traits in a couple of minutes. That is not normal for a kid, i was doing this to adults when i was iin 6th grade or so and i know my answers about people were right because they would always confirm that i had guessed their most inner hidden feelings anything from issues with parents as a kid to abuse etc. Now in my sohpomore year in highschool everything went down hill i started having anxiety attacks along with dealing with sever gall bladder disease, acid reflux, ulcers, hietal ghurnia and so on. This caused me to skip ALOT 72 days in a semester but i was still passing my AP classes. Fast forward to junior year it got so bad i had to start going to online highschool so i wouldn't havet to be around people as much. This helped but the relationship between me and my parents was very strained, huge fights, smashing of stuff. At one point they had taken my clothes away, car away, alll electronics and i was only allowed to eat top ramen and water. I had done nothing wrong either i got caught drinking once . Who the fuck doesn't party in high school? This while situation wit my parents went much deeper and more emotional than what i'm telling but i'm giong to tell you i was the one trying to help our relationship and change it they just wanted to control me. They forced me to sell my mustang my pride and joy (as seen in my sig). So i finally moved out to my girlfriends house. Things got better but not all the way better so decided the anxiety attacks were too much i need to see a doc. First month my diagnosis goes form simple OCD and axiety to Sever Bi-polar, schizo etc etc. Weir d thing is snince i'm smart (i know makes me sound like an ass but its the only way i can explain it) I can hide my diseases very very well the only one that really knkows how sick i am is me. Everyone else thinks im fine or faking. I'm not fiine my life has been reduced to fubble. No more scholoarships, no more friends, i can not work, i lost my relationsihp with my whole family. These diseases destroye dmy life. I have made up wit my parents recently which helps but we're all still fucked up. Now i'm trying to get SSI from the state so i can have some money to pay for my cost of living and get a place wih my cousin, who is pretty much my brother. Should i feel bad for living off the state? my parents keep making fun of me for taking government aid but it's the only way i can afford my psychiatrist and medications. It wouldn't be forever either just until i get well enough to start college since i graduate this year i have till next year to get healthy. I wanna know should i feel guilty for all the things that have happened since i am the one who is sick. Is it all my fault? am i just delusional thinking that my parents and i's relationship could not be saved? I don't know what i should think. How much of this is my fault how much should i feel guilty for. It's a hard thing to look back and think that all your perceptions of life were fucking wrong and you're actually crazy. It destroyed me shook me to my core i cannot trust even myself now. What should i do? How can i decipher my past and know which parts i saw clearly and which ones are just part of my psychotic life?