I grew up a devout catholic, I never really asked questions until I was about 17. The first time I smoked weed, out of nowhere I started to question and research everything I believed. Once I came down I started to do a lot of research and after a few months of research I finally came to the conclusion of deism. Then one day when I was baked I realized that my real reason to believe in god in the first place was because I was not comfortable with my place in the universe. After a few hours of thought and smoking I realized that I was maybe an atheist but didn't want to feel ignorant or stuck up so I stuck with "agnosticism" for a while. About a year ago I finally accepted that I was an atheist and have been following the skeptic community ever since. One bowl/day I came to the conclusion that the only reason I didn't let go of the concept of spirituality was because it gave me something to lean on when things went bad. Basically I would see something bad happen and just ask why god/universe would do this if there was some sort of plan or structure to the universe (which spirituality entails). My answer as a theist would be (in a nutshell) "it was gods plan and there's nothing I can do about it, so why worry" which really boils down to "shit happens". As an atheist when bad things happen I go "shit happens...of well" and move the fuck on. My current response tends to worry many of my theist friends. They tell me that in order for me to mentally healthy I need spirituality especially if I find myself in unfixable situation (serious permanent injury, terminal illness, ect). Many people in really terrible situations in life find that the only thing that keeps them sane and hopeful is god/spirituality. However, doesn't relying on a supernatural being/divine plan really boil down to shit happens. Many believe in a spiritual purpose but no one knows 100 percent what said plan is. So really everyone believes in "shit happens". I've finally came to this conclusion today: Atheists say "shit happens, the universe is random and honestly I don't get it". Theists/spiritual people say "God did it, I don't get his plan, shit happens"
Just continue to educate yourself and believe what you choose to believe don't let anybody tell you how to live your life. Look into some Buddhism and Asian philosophy you'll find some different perspectives.
Accepting things as they are is the key to balance, because they are as they are. There is only now. Why do things happen that don't make sense to you? Because they do. Not everything will make sense, but that doesn't mean there isn't something there, just not what you thought it was. The universe may very well be a conscious thing, and we are all part of a single whole. Connected in ways that only now are quantum physicists beginning to discover. There must be laws that govern how things work but they don't have to have some anthropomorphic answer to them in the way the religions would have us believe. Doesn't mean the universe isn't intelligent just not something individual in that sense. It's good to question, just don't believe all the answers you come up with. Leave room for finding something else. Shit, leave room . . . period. We just don't need to know all this stuff. Makes a lot of sense to open and look, but not so much to decide we know.