Rastaman folk tales: About Fido the Cat

Rastaman folk tales: About Fido the Cat

Kids were cooking magic milk. From a local ditch weed. Fido the Cat watched them closely. They already stumbled over him fifteen times, and squeezed his tail in a door, and stepped on his paw, and spilled milk on him little bit, but he is still wandering around. Interesting, duh.

Suddenly, the lookout runs from the balcony to warn-a-brotha that mom a'comin! The conspiracy started: they cleaned the kitchen ASAP, put the milk pot on the balcony and like nothing happened at all. Like they are just watching T.V. Fido the Cat checked mom's bags, rubbed against her pantyhose, allowed her to caress him and went out to the balcony. Like, to get a fresh air - and to check what the kids have cooked, of course.

He moved the cover aside and smelled - kinda edible but too hot. In a half of hour he smelled it again - it looks cold enough already. He licked a bit - it tastes sucks but is still edible. He licked couple more timed - eww! It's nasty bitter! He climbed the railings, slacked there for another half of hour and suddenly realized: "Wow! Such a funny milk!" "I need to have some more of it" - Fido the Cat decided. (By the way, it is the first sign that the magic milk works.)

He got into the pot again when Jill the Crow flied by. She sat on the railings and asked: "Tasty, eh?" Fido the Cat answered: "In fact, it's yukky but extremely funny. Come and try it if you want."

The crow was extremely surprised: usually Fido the Cat clicking his teeth and waving his paws on her - and now it's such a generosity and goodwill? Why so? Is it a dirty trick? But she flied off the railings, sucked up a half of ounce of the milk and... she can't rise again - she became stoned momentarily. Birds have fast metabolism and small weight, and chicks are definitely greedy for a free stuff.

So, they are lying on a balcony in the middle of rainbow, Fido the Cat and Jill the Crow. They are realizing the essence of being and the immensity of the Universe. The crow told: "Wow! It must be so funny to fly under this stuff..." The cat answered: "I dunno... I'm not a flyer myself... But if you want to, I won't mind."

The crow told: "Yep, I would fly, indeed... if not those somber walls... Walls are pressing down, not letting me to rise." The cat told: "Which walls are you talking about? The plywood is rotten, push it - and it will fall away! There is a hole under the desk, let me show you."

They climbed under the desk and examined the hole. The crow told: "I really doubt I can squeeze thru this hole. Look how big I am - five feet of wings only." Fido the Cat answered: "You are wrong, crow. I am twice bigger with you nonetheless wingless but I fit this hole as 1-2-3. And he absentmindedly showed to the crow how he fits it and, just accidentally falls down a little bit.

From the fourth floor. And, on the second floor local boozehound Barnie brought some whore home and locked his mom out. The mom was standing under the balcony and cursing this scumbag. Barnie leaned down the balcony and told -

well, he just tried to tell some cynical curse, but in fact he told: "OH, SCREW IT!" Because Fido the Cat fell on his back and clung to him with all his claws but Barnie didn't put on his wife-beater or even boxers so he is totally naked and shit happened! With such a surprise, he almost fell down from the balcony himself, trying to shake the cat off his back but the cat dug into his back even harder, also yelling: "OH-MEOW-IIIT!"

Then, Barnie's whore ran out to the balcony, wrapped in a bed sheet, tried to catch the cat, lost the bed sheet and ran back. Barnie is rushing about the balcony, slipping on the bed sheet and breaking the stool with his head. At this time Fido left him alone and jumped to the next balcony because he really disliked Barnie. Such a weird guy, naked as a savage, cursing like a pirate, waving hands, breaking innocent furniture - what can you talk about with such an obnoxious person?

There is Monica the She-Cat on this balcony. They're not letting her outside, so she's suffering every month from very unknown reasons. Fido understands immediately what her suffering is, but she tells him: "Leave alone, gentleman, don't you see how sick I am?"

Then, Fido told: "Listen up, sis. I am... uhm... Fido the Flying MD, and I will remedy your illness right now." Monica started to realize what kind of treatment it is and told: "Oh! Not here, please!"

Well, if lady asks "not here" then "not here" it will. They crouch into the cozy corner behind the skis and sleigh, Fido mounts Monica and bites her scruff just a little bit - only to realize the very next second that he should bite it harder. Because Monica immediately dodges, hisses and slaps his face. Sleigh falls, skis fall and Arnold the Bull Terrier runs out to the balcony. Monica yells: "He's not a doctor! He's a sex offender! Bite him, Arnold! Bite this villain!"

But Fido the Cat is already sitting on the tree branch across the balcony and thinks: "Who the fuck can understand those women? She's wriggles in heat then slaps me in the face. Stupid biatch! And stupid I am: 'Arnold the Flying Penis' - oh, crap! Fido, not Arnold! My name is Fido! Arnold is this toothy jerk which barks on me right bow. Psssh, Arnold, psssh, stupid bodybuilder! Jump to get me if you can!"

So Fido is taking his time teasing the dog and, all of a sudden, three crows are flying to him. They sat on the branch beside him and started to pressurize: "Listen up, Fido guy, our friend Jill came to your place but never came back - what did you do with her? Also, what are you doin' around our nests? We, crows, don't like this kind of shit."

Fido answers: "Peace, man! Jill is okay, she's just pecked too much of magic milk and can't fit the hole anymore. Fly there and push her off to boost your karma. I was droved in here by this jerk which is jumping on the balcony, spitting around in anger." "I will rest here a bit then go home as I am not fucking interested in your nests" - Fido tells. However, in fact he is really interested to rummage the crows' nests, so his words sound so false and unconvincing.

Without wasting any more words, the crows are taking off, regrouping and diving on Fido. He already realized what gonna happen now, rocks the branch, screws up his eyes and jumps somewhere sideways - to get away from the crows and avoid Arnold. He gets to an open window on the first floor, hides under the table and, at this time, the milk finally blitzed him as a lil' baby.

He started to bad trip with people and crows, feet and wings, hands and beaks, with scary crazy motion around him, falling chairs, breaking dishes and strained ominous scream: "See through the prison bars, Joe Cat, see where the gallows stand!!!" In this kind of situation it is so human to screw up the eyes and run away in panic - but Fido drives himself into the corner and starts to convince himself: "STOP! It is just a freakout, it is not really scary. I'll sober up and everything gonna be alright."

And the freakout finally stops - but the crazy chaos is not! Fido carefully looks out from the table and sees that it isn't a trip. Those are real crows. Just mechanically, they flied into the window and now rushing about the room in mortal terror, old people are trying to catch them with brooms and rags, Johnny Cash is playing on the stereo - just imagine what kind of mess it is: five drunk seniors and three crows in a small bachelor apartment! They had a partay here, and now salsa is flowing down their pants, pizzas are sticking to the walls and who knows what it will end up with.

Fido starts to think over a plan, how to quietly escape from this along the wall from this nuthouse and hide behind the toilet... or below the couch... - but, all of a sudden, he noticed on the floor, just in few feet from him, a sliced salmon, extremely tasty and healthy! That's it! Now all hit thoughts are about how to smartly sneak, snatch it quickly, and retreat behind the stove and...

So, Fido drops to his forepaws, untwists his butt to give an additional acceleration to his bulk and sharply pushes himself away with his hind paws but forepaws didn't do the trick, turns over the head, rolls away from beneath the table, receives mighty kick up by old man's foot, flies up two feet, rebounds from the fridge, gets a broomslap, evades the broom in a daring stunt, lands up on the window - but suddenly a crow flies into him! She just decided to fly out thru the window... what an unlucky time, you stupid bunch of feathers! Sure as a fuck that she didn't. But she knocked Fido from the window.

He was lucky it's only the first floor and there is a bush under the window. But this bush is totally wrong; it smells death in a mile. In this bush lives a horrible beast named Uncle Sam, fed up by old folks. Fido doesn't want to fall on this bush, but he does. Directly to jaws of Uncle Sam, which was already watching his favorite window dreaming about something big and delicious. He can catch everything tasty with his teeth right on the fly, no matter from which floor it was thrown. His jaws are like a coffee table and his teeth are like a hell tickets' punch, click - and you are no more!

So as Fido slowly, slowly, for a whole eternity falling into this horrible jaws, zillions of thoughts are flashing as comets thru his brain, and one of them, lightest and brightest, flashing particularly cheerfully and untimely in front of the coming doom. Suddenly, Fido catches the comet's tail with his teeth and starts to desperately turn all four of his paws like propellers! And, before stunned Uncle Sam's very eyes, he swiftly gains height - and flies up to his sweet, sweet home's balcony!

There Jill the Crow lies with her wings spread apart and her beak agape. She tells: "You know, Fido, something is wrong with me. Probably, I will not be able to fly soon... But I realized SUCH a thing! In short, I understood a very important thing... in fact, to fly - is not just to flap wings, it is much more... spiritual, shall I say. And the wings are really an obstacle for that - for example, for you it is much easier to dig into because you are not attached to wings as you kinda can't fly... in mean of common sense - but, if you dig it, you can fly indeed, right in the heavens but not just picking at the air, man! And the heavens - they are not just a fucking air, they are such a place which exists everywhere and nowhere at the same time... generally speaking, heavens are not a place! Because place and time are really doesn't matter at all anymore when you start to really fly. Dig it, man?"

Fido just smiled to her and answered: "Don't worry, Jill, you'll sober up soon. I am already almost sober myself."

And, the magic milk blasted him again.

Original Russian text: (c) HighDuke

Ðàñòàìàíñêèå íàðîäíûå ñêàçêè :: Ñêàçêè è ïðî÷åå

English translation: (c) juzy

juzy: Про котÐ БÐрбосÐ