Not to sure where to go right now in Life. Please help.

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by NorCalPiff, Nov 30, 2011.

  1. #1 NorCalPiff, Nov 30, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2011
    Please read blades. I turn 21 in January. I have had 4 failed shoulder surgeries, the surgeon last week got in my MRI & CatScan and his exact words "my friend, there is nothing left for you to do with surgeries, you have to live like this your whole life, I have never seen more disturbing images in my career. I just don't know what to do. Im heartbroken for my mother (crying as I write this) who has been there for me my whole life, even when I was a cocksucker idiot delinquent, always stuck by me when my dad said fuck you to me & literally shook the detectives hand laughing when my house got raided back East on fake charges. (Thats way to long of a story). My mom is my heart & soul, & I hate to see her have to support a disabled almost 21 year old, living at home, & she truly doesn't mind it. Her exact words to me were "Some people are born mentally handicapped, God gave you bad shoulders for a reason, you were born this way & I still stick by you and take care of you forever". This made me break down in the doctors office & walk out just in tears. I feel like such a piece of shit. I have a 15 year old sister who is absolutely gorgeous, I can't even find a friend these days because of trust issues, everybody I meet that I gain trust in ends up hooking up with my sister, but whatever, thats not why I'm upset. I just feel so bad for my mom, I'm not gonna feel bad for myself. It's like if I'm not royally fucked up, I'm depressed because I actually think about this kind of shit & it makes me so depressed. Sometimes smoking too much makes me even more upset because it makes me think even-deeper, its when I'm on my painkillers prescribed for my shoulders that I just don't give a fuck (all out today until next month), & I refuse to go on the street & buy more than I am prescribed by my doctor because I know that hurts my mom tremendously & I have enough willpower once there gone to wait until next month. I just don't know really what to do. Im waiting for SSI to get back to me so I can contribute some money to my mom, but as far as life goes, its like I'm just going to rot. I try to enjoy life since its so short & I can't do any of the things I grew up loving (Basketball, Skating, Even Hiking I can't do, I can't climb WHAT SO EVER, I have to wear a straight jacket to BED). Again, I'm not trying to play the violin, just please, if you were in my situation right now, what would you do? Love you all, even if I make a lot of funny-dumb comments that only people with certain sense of humor will laugh at, but I'm a fuckin emotional person man.
     
  2. [quote name='"NorCalPiff"']Please read blades. I turn 21 in January. I have had 4 failed shoulder surgeries, the surgeon last week got in my MRI & CatScan and his exact words "my friend, there is nothing left for you to do with surgeries, you have to live like this your whole life, I have never seen more disturbing images in my career. I just don't know what to do. Im heartbroken for my mother (crying as I write this) who has been there for me my whole life, even when I was a cocksucker idiot delinquent, always stuck by me when my dad said fuck you to me & literally shook the detectives hand laughing when my house got raided back East on fake charges. (Thats way to long of a story). My mom is my heart & soul, & I hate to see her have to support a disabled almost 21 year old, living at home, & she truly doesn't mind it. Her exact words to me were "Some people are born mentally handicapped, God gave you bad shoulders for a reason, you were born this way & I still stick by you and take care of you forever". This made me break down in the doctors office & walk out just in tears. I feel like such a piece of shit. I have a 15 year old sister who is absolutely gorgeous, I can't even find a friend these days because of trust issues, everybody I meet that I gain trust in ends up hooking up with my sister, but whatever, thats not why I'm upset. I just feel so bad for my mom, I'm not gonna feel bad for myself. It's like if I'm not royally fucked up, I'm depressed because I actually think about this kind of shit & it makes me so depressed. Sometimes smoking too much makes me even more upset because it makes me think even-deeper, its when I'm on my painkillers prescribed for my shoulders that I just don't give a fuck, & I refuse to go on the street & buy more than I am prescribed by my doctor because I know that hurts my mom tremendously & I have enough willpower once there gone to wait until next month. I just don't know really what to do. Im waiting for SSI to get back to me so I can contribute some money to my mom, but as far as life goes, its like I'm just going to rot. I try to enjoy life since its so short & I can't do any of the things I grew up loving (Basketball, Skating, Even Hiking I can't do, I can't climb WHAT SO EVER, I have to wear a straight jacket to BED). Again, I'm not trying to play the violin, just please, if you were in my situation right now, what would you do? Love you all, even if I make a lot of funny-dumb comments that only people with certain sense of humor will laugh at, but I'm a fuckin emotional person man.[/quote]

    Stay strong brother, that's all you can do. Your mom is a wonderful person and you should feel blessed to have such a nurturing mom.

    It's not your fault that your shoulders are fucked. Stop taking it out on yourself.


    Stay up man :)
     
  3. Adapt and just continue on living. Best thing you can do is be their for your family.
     
  4. Both you guys just made me start cryin again haha. Thank you so much you guys. I wish I could smoke you guys out heavy, but the best I can do is +rep you. I have been killing a half ounce every 3 days, I gotta stop. Im going to take a couple week break today. I get my xanax script today but I don't even like that shit, I just love my MMJ & my painkillers I get. Xanax seems to just make me fuckin nuts & not give a FUCK. Im going to attempt to not smoke today, or maybe for the next 2 weeks just smoke a bong bowl in the morning & before bed & thats IT. And I know other drug use is not allowed to be talked about in the City & I would never disrespect this website, I'm just speaking upon what I am prescribed. I had to move from the east coast to Cali strictly for MMJ so I can live a non-addictive-SEMI-pain-free-life. The cops hated me back east so much. Again, thanks so much for real. Would love to hear more reponses, I will be sure to rep the good ones!
     
  5. I feel you, my man.

    I have been right where you are so many times! I know how rough this is on you.

    I'm sorry about the pain and the pain killers and the depression. I know all about pain because I have fibromyalgia and am on heavy pain killers and MMJ. I also see a shrink for the depression and take medication for that which helps an awful lot. Serious injuries and depression often go hand-in-hand, which may be the case in your situation.
    Since you are saddened to the point of crying, you may wish to consider consulting a professional. I did and it was the best thing I ever did for my mood and for my depression.

    Hang in there, brah! Right now perhaps everything looks all bad but you are taking steps to change that, so you are on your way. What you seek is happiness. Once you hit your stride and things smooth out a little for you, it will be much easier.

    Please post back soon and let us know how it is going with you. :)

    Sending you all the Stoner Love and encouragement and support.....
     
  6. Bro stay strong , there are lots of people throuout history that have been told they would never walk again, never do this or that, but they did the "impossible" and did it! Shit I've seen a dude with no legs bust on a skateboard 100x better than I ever been able to on 2 legs ( and I'm sure at one point of his life they told him it would not be possible and be in a wheelchair his whole life, well he proved them wrong!) My cousin was told he would never be able to run (muscle disorder) and do any physical activity, well he is a fuckig badass baseball player right now (because he didn't let anyone tell him what he can or can't do), and you my friend should not let some words a doctor said get you down, you are a human and you can and will find a way to " adapt".
    Your mom sounds like a great woman, show her your appreciation and love and that's all a mom cares about, and she will be happy.
    As your mom stated you were born with bad shoulders for a reason...one day the reason will appear and you will overcome and come out on top. This you should be sure of, keep ur head up bro, stay strong for your mom, and you and you mom have my prayers.. Next bowls for you!
     
  7. My mom has that fibromyalga dude. Thank you so much, man +rep. So sorry you gotta deal with that bullshit as well. Trust me, I will keep ya up to date on how I'm doing, GrassCity has been a big part of my life. I remember like it was yesterday when i was 14 on this website.
     
  8. Damn dude my condolences for your pain and suffering. I believe you made the right choice to live in California for your MMJ because the painkillers out there these days are pure evil. I used to be hooked on 'em myself without a prescription and unless your actually prescribed them they just draw you in further and further.. just let that bud your smoking help the pain, emotionally and physically, as much as you can, without the necessity of the opiates.

    You could always try and make a difference in others lives. You aren't the only person out there who has failed shoulder surgeries and is disabled. Go to group support meetings, find another way to vent your pain rather than constant (although, prescribed) drug use; social communication works wonders with venting pain. I was also an alcoholic and have been sober 10 months and one thing that still helps me so much these days is the group support I get out of the fellowship even though I don't attend meetings very often anymore. I know this sounds rather irrelevant to your case, but releasing mental pain in those settings to people who have a similar problem and condition to yourself alleviates the fact that you are indeed not alone, and you WILL feel better.

    Keep ya head up, don't let anyone get to you, and live life my friend. :)
     

  9. For sure brotha. The thing is, all my friends back east are addicted to Oxys & move on to heroin when they can't afford it anymore. Im talking EVERYONE. Hands down the worst epidemic I have ever seen out there on the Tri State area. Out here in Cali its here, but not as much, Doctors are strict & its mostly just tweakers. I talk to all my friends that are addicts I'm like "Yo just get a subxoone and stop" & just recently 1 of them flipped out on me and said "Sorry bro, but everybody doesn't have willpower like you, your 1 in a million". Once my script is gone, its gone, period, it is what it is, when it comes back, thats cool. I have had this ritual every month for the past 6 years, only difference is opposed to the 320 Roxy 15s I was getting in CT, I get 150 15's now over here, which is a good thing. But the second there gone, I'm good with my MMJ. Thank god I have willpower dude. Congratulations on being clean. I sort of don't really feel bad for addicts because I'm not one & I actually have problems, then again I always wonder what I would be if I didn't have shoulder disabilities & wasn't prescribed them & knew they would be back once a month.
     
  10. I got ran over completly by a truck about 13 years ago. Went to physical therapy two or three times a week for about 2 years. Your doctor is telling the truth. Your shoulders will always probaby hurt. I severed everything that connects my left shoulder to my neck so now it sits up an inch higher than the other and forward a bit.

    As you get older and experience more things in life. The stuff that seems so shitty now will seem smaller and smaller. Don't sweat it dude. Life is to be lived one day at a time. When you make it to the next one, you've got something to be happy about. It could be worse man. Some people can't walk and can't feed themselves or wipe thier own asses. At least we can still blaze.
     
  11. Yeah brotha, see I left out a part. The first surgeon who did my first 2 surgeries fucked up royally, which is why I will be fucked for life & theres nothing left to do. I was stupid, I could have gone to court and waited a few years & would have a large lump sum, but I just took the 25,000$ I was offered, and that was a while ago. Its almost gone. Thanks for the kind words bro.

    edit:Your last few sentences are what my mom always tell me. I called my mom after I read the post about "adapting". We came to the conclusion thats the absolute best for all of us to live a stress-free life.
     
  12. To quote Stephen Hawking, “However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope."

    Not only is there hope for a future in which medical science may offer more options to you (it is advancing every day), but there is hope for a good future for yourself, too.

    You clearly have an aptitude for writing. Perhaps a career path can be found down that avenue.

    Know that the human mind has an incredible ability to adapt. It simply takes time. Try not to focus on what you cannot do, but instead, focus on what you can. Then seek to excel at it. No matter your physical limitation, that capacity is a part of you that nothing can diminish -- not unless you let it.

    You are fortunate to already have a good support structure through your mother, but she need not be your only base.

    I would suggest you continue to seek relationships with other people. If you are able, consider school – even if part time. Online courses are another option if physical attendance is an issue. Seek out new hobbies and research previous interests you may not have had time for; accessible things that you can enjoy. Most topics of interest have associations in urban areas, especially since the internet has brought diverse groups together. Why not attend? You will already have something in common with the people you meet.

    You are still capable of achieving life goals for yourself. Remember that.

    Peace.
     
  13. Thanks so much man. I make music, but I always come up with funny shit I would love to make into skits, maybe even write an independent film.
     
  14. I feel your pain.

    Life sometimes gives you lemons. I have to live with physical and mental disabilities that I was born with too, that make it almost impossible it seems to get a real job.

    And often times I feel the way you described in your post. and I'm about the same age as you, turn 21 in September.

    I hope for the best in your life, and that you can turn your struggles into strengths and embrace the suck.
     
  15. Feel you brotha. If you wanna message me anytime we can talk fam. I'd like to know what you been by "mental disabilities" I'd love to try & help you out. I been locked up in teen mental insistution for a month, if I wrote my whole past 6-7 years people would be like holy FUCK.
     
  16. :eek: Thanks.

    Heh I think we all have our rough times in life. Some people might even have similar stories.

    I've been lucky so far and never been in a institution or jail/prison. But I have had my own struggles with schizophrenia for one. It can be rough sometimes but weed helps tremendously

    I feel like it got worse over time, and it wasnt always as bad. Started out very mild and then maybe traumatic events in my life, or my drug usage not 420 lol, caused it to become something that would interfere with your regular life.
     

  17. Yeah dude, you should move to an MMJ state if its possible. Theres some strains out there specifically for schizophrenia a kid I met has it, and a certain strain he said saved his whole life. Im gonna call a few dispensaries & ask whats good for those sort of issues. DO NOT take those crazy anti depressants and weird Seroquel and shit, it will make everything 100000x worse.
     
  18. Sent you a PM. and + rep.

    I'm not a fan of taking prescriptions constantly either dont worry. I've been "addicted" before but have enough willpower to quit.

    Gotta stick to that green :smoke:
     
  19. Thats a terrible predicament that all of your "friends" end up hooking with your 15 year old sister. Have any pictures? I kid.

    Stay strong, keep a clear mind and never feel like you are less than anybody. I firmly believe through all of my experiences, that rock bottom is the place where you can find the next road in your life. You're priorities, strengths and true relationships become very apparent in this stage.

    I'm not going to get into any details about my physicality, but working with the mental, physical and emotional pain of it has made me into the person that I am today. It's hard to see hopes in those moments, but only looking back do you see their relevance in your life.

    Don't ever think that there is no hope man and best of luck on everything. :D
     
  20. [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWUfFwoe8ko]The Shawshank Redemption: Hope - YouTube[/ame]

    Not making a joke of any kind, That part of the movie has a very strong message on both sides if you ask me
     

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