Please read blades. I turn 21 in January. I have had 4 failed shoulder surgeries, the surgeon last week got in my MRI & CatScan and his exact words "my friend, there is nothing left for you to do with surgeries, you have to live like this your whole life, I have never seen more disturbing images in my career. I just don't know what to do. Im heartbroken for my mother (crying as I write this) who has been there for me my whole life, even when I was a cocksucker idiot delinquent, always stuck by me when my dad said fuck you to me & literally shook the detectives hand laughing when my house got raided back East on fake charges. (Thats way to long of a story). My mom is my heart & soul, & I hate to see her have to support a disabled almost 21 year old, living at home, & she truly doesn't mind it. Her exact words to me were "Some people are born mentally handicapped, God gave you bad shoulders for a reason, you were born this way & I still stick by you and take care of you forever". This made me break down in the doctors office & walk out just in tears. I feel like such a piece of shit. I have a 15 year old sister who is absolutely gorgeous, I can't even find a friend these days because of trust issues, everybody I meet that I gain trust in ends up hooking up with my sister, but whatever, thats not why I'm upset. I just feel so bad for my mom, I'm not gonna feel bad for myself. It's like if I'm not royally fucked up, I'm depressed because I actually think about this kind of shit & it makes me so depressed. Sometimes smoking too much makes me even more upset because it makes me think even-deeper, its when I'm on my painkillers prescribed for my shoulders that I just don't give a fuck (all out today until next month), & I refuse to go on the street & buy more than I am prescribed by my doctor because I know that hurts my mom tremendously & I have enough willpower once there gone to wait until next month. I just don't know really what to do. Im waiting for SSI to get back to me so I can contribute some money to my mom, but as far as life goes, its like I'm just going to rot. I try to enjoy life since its so short & I can't do any of the things I grew up loving (Basketball, Skating, Even Hiking I can't do, I can't climb WHAT SO EVER, I have to wear a straight jacket to BED). Again, I'm not trying to play the violin, just please, if you were in my situation right now, what would you do? Love you all, even if I make a lot of funny-dumb comments that only people with certain sense of humor will laugh at, but I'm a fuckin emotional person man.