I don't know where to really start, but I'll try my best. I have had minor anxieties before, once in a while, and I could always seem to just shake off whatever troubling thoughts I have had in regards to getting older, life, death, the meaning of it all etc since I am only 21 years old. The past 3 years, I have seen 3 very close relative die. Both of my grandmothers died in my home with at home hospice due to cancer. These obviously bothered me a great deal, and were sad times, but they didn't affect me as much as my uncle dying as of recent. Atleast I don't think so. He passed away Saturday night, well really Sunday morning at around 2am. I had been in and out of the hospital to visit him for the 3 weeks that lead up to his death. He was young as far as I'm concerned, almost 61 years old. He died from cirhoisis of the liver...But I don't want to get into all the details of all the events that lead up to that. It's best to just say it felt very sudden and surreal. I went to Boston for the funeral, and I guess I had passing thoughts of life, death, aging and all that stuff..but I still could shake them off relatively well. It seemed to get more prevelant on my mind, and being able to shut those thoughts out became harder. On the way home on the plane, I started to feel anxiety more, thinking about getting older, dying, my parents getting older. Day by day it seemed to get a bit worse...these thoughts seemed to become compulsive and always in the back of my mind, enough so to leave me in a state of constant anxiety. By this Monday, I felt like it all day, and by night I was having a full anxiety attack. I go to school full time, work part time and still live with my parents. I had to go in my parents room and tell them the kind of anxiety I was experiencing. My dad tried to calm me down...enough to the point that I could get some sleep, however I woke up the next morning still feeling anxiety, immediately upon waking. That day in class (yesterday) the thoughts kept going, and I kept trying to conciously tell myself to stop..that seemed to make it worse. I felt like I was trapped in my head. I don't think I was visibly anxious as noone was looking at me, but I had to step outside of the classroom and go in the bathroom for a bit. I still felt real anxiety. In that state it almost feels like everything around you is only semi-real...a blur. I got through the next class, but these thoughts were constant still...even when my anxiety levels went down, they were still noticable and I still found myself mentally evaluating how anxious I was or to stop thinking those thoughts. The more you conciously do this, the worse it seems to death...it's like being stuck. Right when I got home from school, I told my dad everything that was going on and he sat me down and tried to talk me through it and help me. He tried to explain to me that there is nothing I can do about life, getting old, death etc. I told him to make an appointment with a psychologist and he did, which is Friday morning. I realized that I couldn't control life and death like he said, and I realize it now...yet I still feel anxiety over it. I went to work feeling a bit better but like I said...these thoughts still in my mind, just somewhat reduced anxiety. At work, I felt a bit better....and had ups and downs of anxiety, but a constant wrestling of thoughts on the above subject. As I started to almost come to terms with one thing, I would think about something else which would immediately bump my anxiety level. Like getting married one day, having a kid...I can't see myself as an older adult etc. Then I would try to rationalize and say oh thats way ahead in the future, but it wasn't working. My anxiety level at work was close to constant. I would then start to fear that the psychologist would somehow think I was really fucked up and tell me I needed medication. My anxieties would start to be about my anxiety itself, and whether or not I'm truly fucked up. The thing is, I realize that these thoughts are irrational, that my anxiety and worries are all controlled by my own mind, yet it continues...These thoughts/worries culminated into a pretty bad anxiety attack towards the end of the work day, with me thinking like things aren't real sort of. It's hard to explain, as I know that things are real...I think just the thought coming in to my head scares me, makes me think like wow am I going crazy and then I get an anxiety attack because of it. Right when I came home, I told my parents immediately that things were not getting better. Again they tried to calm me down and explained to me that I wasn't going crazy, that I'm going to talk to the psychologist Friday etc. I felt somewhat better, again enough to go to sleep. I woke up today feeling somewhat relieved that maybe this shit was over. But over the course of the day today, I have continued to experience bouts with these compulsive thoughts and anxieties. That not real feelings so to speak or just the thought of it...makes me scared enough to illicit anxiety. I really don't know what is wrong with me, I mean a couple weeks ago...this shit was not an issue whatsoever. I went about my day, could live within the moment and had fun day to day. Maybe the situation with my uncle affected me alot more than I originally thought and this is how it is manifesting itself, I don't know...maybe not. I don't want to be on medication...I really don't...I don't want to be one of those people that has a fucked up psyche and needs drugs..ugh, the idea of it is giving me anxiety almost as we speak. Today has been a bit better...but to say these thoughts haven't been on my mind atleast to some extent would be a lie. I really wish I could go to the psychologist today...but I have to stick it out until Friday. At the same time...I don't think he is going to say some magic words that are going to cure me. I'm just scared that this is going to be my life now...this is terrible and I just want to go back to the way I was.. Please don't leave comments that I'm crazy or going that I have skitzophrenia...all that is going to do is scare me more. I'm looking for people with similar experiences...ways I can get rid of these ridiculous anxiety inducing thoughts...etc. I'd like to point out that I haven't smoked marijuana since July, and at that point I was an occasional smoker.
Calm down a bit... sounds like you are just stressed. Drink some water, sit outside in the sun, talk to a good friend. And, no matter what they say, stay off of psyche meds, they cause brain damage. Just talk to people. It's not normal for someone that is stressful and just suffered loss of close family members to just shrug it off, so by prescribing you crazy mind altering shit so you zombie your way through society and act "normal" is not the answer. My mom and I are both bipolar, and she has more experience. When I first started to realize it, I would call her and ask her what to do, and she would tell me to sit outside in the sun. It helped sometimes. Just relax I guess, and talk.
It actually sounds like you and I are very similar: before graduation I would often work full time while also going to school full time. I'm willing to bet you are also heavily involved (as I was) in at least one club/student organization. When it hit me, I had anxiety so bad that my face turned while, my fingernails blue, and I ended up in the emergency room attached to a heart monitor. They figured out it was anxiety when the doctors asked me to talk about things that I feared and the monitor began to go off while I descended into another attack. The first time this happened to me I had never even tried weed. What I found is that people like me (and you may be one) absolutely NEED short-term goals. Without short-term goals our minds wander and tend to focus on those things that simply cannot be solved: in your case it seems to be death and aging, in my case it was financial security, specifically paying off school-loans. I was actually afraid, during my freshman year, that I would never find paying work after college, and therefore would end up in a student-debt spiral for the rest of my life. Of course, this was a load of crap: I've never been unemployed, I've received promotions and raises, and loan payments turned out to be no biggie. But during a period of my life when I could not solve the problem (i.e. Freshman year) it was a HUGE source of anxiety. What I eventually learned helped me was a constant focus on more short-term goals. I cannot control the randomness of the job market, but I CAN control whether or not I have my reports filed on time, as well as their quality. Back in school, I could control my assignments, and thus my GPA. Try it for a while. Focus on what you CAN do, instead of what you cannot change. Don't worry about later in life, worry about today. Do you have homework/reading you can do for class? Can you focus on that for a while? Try it and see what happens. Throw yourself at your short term goals with the same gusto that you applied to fearing death and you'd be surprised how quickly your fears diminish.
I really appreciate both of you guys, honestly. I can't tell what will happen soon or how I will feel but I can say that I do feel somewhat better right now. Hopefully, this is a temporary mindset or situation for me.
hey how did it go? I also expirence shit like this it sucks..i just toke up tho seriously it helps me alot of ppl say it gives them anmxiety but it stops mine