Lately i've been trying to express my creativity in many different ways, i just recently picked up a new guitar and have been teaching myself for the past 3 or so months. I decided i'd take a crack at poetry, so here it is. Feedback is welcome and greatly appreciated, good or bad. How I wish I could escape To a place beneath the sea Build a hollow little cavern A place where I could be free Sure I'd love to invite you Down there to be with me But the thing is, theres only room for one And that one it must be me I'd stay behind and join you But its just what I need Ill visit if you'd like Take you out upon the night We could just talk, make things right But I'd have to return To that place beneath the sea That hollow little cavern That I built to be free. The place I wish you could join me Although it just cannot be I hope you'll look back and see And realize that it just couldn't be.
I like the concept a lot, but have a few suggestions about the execution. Your end rhymes are rather simplistic, which can be good or bad depending on what you're going for but I feel like it always gives poetry a limerick sort of feel and that can be very detrimental when you're trying to develop a more serious tone. Also, the rhythm is fractured in some places and gets thrown off course. I haven't had any actual poetry training or anything like that so I can only really speak on this from a reader's perspective, but when reading it I feel like certain lines are too clunky and long while others are too short. It's hard to explain but I guess what I'm saying is just don't neglect meter or the syllabic content of each line. Both are crucial. The switch-up of the rhyme scheme towards the middle also throws off the rhythm quite a bit. Lastly, I think that there is some unnecessary repetition. I use repetition a lot as well when I write, but I find that a good rule of thumb is that if it's not going to add anything new to the poem (which can be tricky to do with repetition) then I don't add it. Whether it's adding to the theme of the poem and making the reader see it in a new way, or just working as an aesthetic device, it should be doing something. In your last four lines, for instance, the repetition doesn't seem necessary and I would probably go without it. The same can be said for the end-rhymes that you use more than once and perhaps even for the entire last 8 lines which are essentially a repetition of the first 8. But as I said, the concept is an interesting one and I think it could make a solid poem with a bit of revision.
under the seaaaa! under the seaaaaaaaa! darling its better, down where its wetter, take it from meeeee! sorry, i dont like criticizing people's work, but i like it. i made my own poetry thread a couple years ago. its all rubbish though.
I'd like to be Under the sea In an octupus' garden In the shade He'd let us in Knows where we've been In his octopus' garden In the shade
Oh, so that's how you get people to read poetry these days? In that case, be on the lookout for my next poem, "Hakuna Matata."