my father..

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by ej1, Oct 22, 2014.

  1. So long story short my dad was super hammered.. he wanted me to drive him to get some stoges and some brew; so i did. on the way back he just starts balling and i haven't seen him cry since his close friend died 4 years back. he's been seeing this girl lately, and i honestly don't like the vibes shes been giving off. they're super compatible together, but i honestly think she's pretty shady.. my dads constantly catching her in these little lies and coincidences.. i've been down that road before, and I don't want to see him go through it considering his last real relationship was with my mother who ended up divorcing him and taking half of his bank account back in 2005. he started telling me all this stuff about how he's nervous about me moving away for college cause he's scared of me falling into hard drugs since i smoke bud. he was super emotional about it, and was really sad about not having me around when I move. He told me how he feels he wasn't around for me enough when I was younger, and how he should've been a better father. Although that may be half way true, I couldn't ask for a more supportive, badass father. It broke my heart to see him like this. The new found love he found for this girl is really fucking with him, and I don't know how to break it to him that she's shady and hes too in love to see it. He's almost 50, and really sad about how he has been sitting around moping for the past few years after the divorce basically drinking his pain away.. and it's heartbreaking to me cause I never knew this stuff affected him this much. I don't know how to deal with it, or what to say. What would you do? I want to see my Dad happy, he deserves it. He's a hard working guy, and has a steady job with decent salary, and he feels like a failure in life and always is thinking about how he could've been more in the past, he's super worried about me becoming a druggie like he was in his early 20's, cause he says he sees a lot of the same characteristics in me. Although, I only smoke bud and that's the only thing I'll ever do. I don't even drink for obvious reasons.. (ie. how it depresses people, violent behavior) and I'm just sad as fuck honestly cause he is my bestfriend as homo or whatever some people may think of that statement. He's always been here for me, and I wanna be here for him. What would you guys do?..

  2. Tell him what you're telling us..
    Reassure him against all his worries/concerns, and sit down and talk to him about the situation..
    You can't stay home forever, you're growing up, and as much as it sucks we're all going to lose our parent(s) someday.
    Maybe you guys could find some way that you guys could hang out every once in a while depending on how far away you are going from home?
  3. I will always find a way to see my father as much as I can even when I'm away and on my own. I also did tell him everything I'm telling all of you, but he doesn't accept it. He says I may say that I'm only going to smoke bud, but he knows how temptation and peer pressure works and he's worried about me falling in with the wrong crowd when I move away. The main issue is he lingers on the past and how he could've amounted to more, but I constantly tell him that he is perfectly succesful as a man and a father in my eyes. That's the main problem, is that he is upset over something he cannot change. It is the past..
    Look man, some of us weren't blessed with a dad, and obviously a lot of us weren't blessed with one that cares so much about you.
    Consider yourself lucky, never let him not know how much he means to you.
    Reassure him that you are stronger than he's perceiving, and that you're not going to cave in under peer pressure.
    While there's always a select few people at college using unmentionables it's definitely not as a big of a group as your dad's thinking.
    Even if there is, and you run into them.. I highly doubt they're going to make a pass at trying to get you to use them...
    When you get to college, most people are there to get there degree, obviously drinking and smoking and partying is a thing, but there's always a balance.
    Just remember to keep him close and don't let him go.. and talk to him as you feel fit (I'd recommend against everyday for your first semester, due to that possibly making you more homesick, and him more ej1sick.)
    Be strong, because it's hard for someone you care about to be strong if you can't be strong for them.
    If you need any advice for a newer college student and how i'm managing, feel free to pm me.
  5. awesome advice dude, you're absolutely right. I'll always make sure he knows how grateful I am for being the father he is, and making me the man I am today. 
  6. I never had a dad, so I don't know much about it, but it just sounds like you need to let him know how much he means to you and that you'll talk to him whenever you can, because while it may be worrying to think about, he might be transferring the whole drugs thing from him to you, in the sense that when you go away, he'll fall back in to bad habits because he doesn't have you there to anchor him, and this girlfriend seems a bitch who is there for his stability and as a backup. Just my feelings man, take it how you will, but talk to him, sounds like you need to :/
  7. I try to my best. I just don't know how to break it to him that it's not healthy for him to continue growing feelings for this chick when she doesn't seem very truthful.. :/ 
  8. "Look, Dad, I don't know if it's just me being paranoid, but I'm getting really weird vibes from this girl. I'm not saying she's done anything wrong, but I just don't get good feelings when she's around and she seems a bit dodgy, loads of small lies here and there. I think you need to take a step back and just look at everything, and really see if she's being one hundred percent genuine with you. I just want to see you happy, so can you just be careful".
    And, while it may sound stalker-ish, just do some casual checks on her, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, she's bound to have left one of them open for public viewing and most people have them nowadays, just check for inconsistencies. Say she puts on Facebook,
    "Going to xxxxxxx with Dave"
    She might say to your dad
    "Going to yyyyy with Annie"
    Just say "I thought you said yesterday you were going to xxxxxxx with Dave?"
    He what she says, just generally try and catch her out. But at the same time, she may be innocent, so don't ruin it for your dad.
  9. I had an awfully similar discussion/breakdown with my old man, who's my absolute hero in life, though certainly had his distant moments during my childhood. We're close, and exceptionally alike. Last year he was in an accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. I live 10,000 miles away, literally on the other side of the planet -- the distance takes its toll, especially under stressful circumstances.

    I know how painful it can be to see the cracks in a man of steel, and it almost seems unfair that we're thrust into a reversed role with our fathers. That isn't supposed to happen! But it does, because he's human. He's also a friend. So respond to him as you would any other friend and be open and honest.

    All you can do is put your words out there and use the future to prove them. He'll come around as soon as he realizes that you're alright and living well while away at school. As for the chick, believe it or not, he's a grown man with a lot of life experience. He's not going to be so easily dicked around. Make it known that you're not exactly cool with her, and let it be. He's a man, he can take care of himself.

    Good luck, brother.

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