Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by Big "D", Apr 24, 2002.

  1. MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

    GENERAL
    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral
    home.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are

    PERSONAL HYGIENE
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN
    truck keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
    3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
    and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (Outside the Family)
    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "
    Monday " ; If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATER ETIQUETTE
    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

    WEDDINGS
    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can
    create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of
    way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
    5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

    =====
    NEWS FLASH!!! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery .
     
  2. lol @ the enigizer bunny joke
     
  3. LMAO funny as hell

    z
     

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