Hey guys, I just wanted to start a discussion here on divorce and marriage. I am currently seperated but still living with my wife. I put all of it into motion, neither of us cheated or really did anything wrong to bring about divorce, just not a good or happy marriage, at least for me. Now, I've been on multiple different forms about divorce, and as expected, mostly older people are against divorce unless there is adultery or abuse. What I have noticed, is with these older, old school people, when someone says the cause of divorce was they fell out of love, these old school types start talking how is bs, live is something you do, not feel, etc..basically that you make a choice to love someone. They seem to believe whole hearted in this, yet, find it impossible to not love someone romantically after a period of time. What I have also noticed, is how quickly people jump to counselling as soon as a problem comes up in their marriage. These are the same people that would leave I'm a heart beat if they weren't married, but since they have the government's involvement in their love life, jump to pay someone hundreds of dollars per hour to simply listen. I know it has been shown to help, but I don't get it at all. It seems that while the divorce rate in the US is around 50%, divorce is still hard to accept for some..I see unhappy marriages all day long, and also know of some happy. I just don't understand why it's not fully accepted yet. As a father, I would rather my daughter be divorced a hundred times, then to spend years in an unhappy marriage, because of some commitment. Do you guys think divorce should be more accepted overall, or think marriage is in its way out for the majority? Let's discuss!
people only get married because they're conditioned by society to do so. you grow up, get educated, work 9-5, find a girl, get married, start a family, and then quickly learn to realize you hate the person you're with. you end up paying half of your paycheck for the rest of your life towards child support. all because society told you to go down that path
When a couple is locked up in unhappy marriage, they should get divorced. Easier said than done, I know... -- I'm married. At the moment, my marriage is quite OK... not overly happy, nor overly miserable, it's just... OK. But there were times when it was miserable and the option of divorce was discussed. I was all for it, and my wife said she was all for it too, so we went to the office where people get divorced, but... Something prevented us from getting divorced. There were two times when we did this, and the first time we couldn't get divorced because we didn't prepare the correct documents, and the second time... the divorce was put on hold because of a phone call. A phone call from someone who... I'm obliged to, and that someone asked me to reconsider. It's hard to explain, but... I think getting married or getting divorced is not really up to our choice. Some people can't get married even if they wanted to. And some people can't get divorced even if they wanted to. So... That's all I have to say at the moment.
Wow interesting post above mine. To the OP I would go to Google and get the stats for you, but Im being lazy right now. If I recall correctly that stat about 50% divorce rate is this: 50% of marriages end in divorce when the married parties are younger than 25. At the age of 25 and older the divorce rate plummets to about 28% I think and lower as the age at marriage increases. So that 50% hubbaloo is not entirely accurate. The portrayal I should say is inaccurate. I have never been married BUT I was in a relationship of 4.5 years. I do agree that love is not only a feeling but a choice! Love is also action. Choosing to do things that benefit the both of you. Sometimes choosing to do thing that only benefit your partner. You're nice to them even tho you are pissed the hell off. Its sacrifice, restraint, compromise, humility. Its not just butterflies in the belly. But I think it only works if the two ppl involved have the same ideas on relationships and what love is. The 1st 3.5 years of my relationship were bliss. We were the it couple all disagreements handled amicably... but Id be lying if I didnt say we lasted that long BECAUSE OF ME. I did all the sacrificing being humble, compromising he did NONE of that. It became more apparent when he lost his job and his pride was hurt. I left him b.c our views on relationships were clearly not in line.I wanted to be married to him so bad at some pt but Im so glad we never made it that far because I would have DIVORCED HIS ASS NO DOUBT. He was the epitome of selfish. I value my happiness more than I value being able to say I am in a relationship!
I stand firm in my belief that the marriage system needs to be completely overhauled so that A) No Bullshit occurs B) Gay people can get married C) No legal bullshit with the divorce
Now to answer you specifically. I think counseling is beneficial, and from where I am isn't utilized nearly enough! Many people in my opinion are relational-ly dysfunctional. That is to say dont know how to function "normally" in realtionships, dont know what a happy healthy relationship looks like! So they mirror what they've seen and end up in perpetually unhappy situations with unrealistic expectations. *response added* Also its not really fair to say of if you werent married youd just walk away now ur married and doing counseling makes no sense. Well... marriage is also a legally binding contract. Now you have to deal with splitting assets? alimony? child support? custody? I mean thats A LOT of HEADACHE that could possibly be avoided if couseling helps. I dont knock it for that reason. Divorce should remain an option but I dont think its something to be applauded either. It is a failure of sorts, and I think more ppl need to think about what they are doing and look more critically at who they are walking down the aisle with.
You may not be able to choose who you fall for, but I do think that staying in love is a choice. It is work. You have to actually care for each other, and take care of each other, not just live together and hope the love sticks around. It is something that is nurtured, and not really by Valentines day flowers, or saying I love you often enough. It's about being someone that your partner can depend on, and being able to depend on them as well. Takeing care of each other "in sickness and in health", knowing each others' weaknesses inside and out. My parents have been married for 27 years, and were together 10 years before that. They do love each other, more than anything. But yeah, of course they annoy each other. They also work to maintain their relationship and their love. And they are happy--very much so. But they work to maintain that happiness and keep their bond strong. They feed their love, instead of expecting it to feed them. Effortless, perfect, love that lasts forever exactly the same as when it was new is a fiction (and wouldn't be desireable anyway since it really can distort your perception of the person. You're in love, so you think they're the greatest, even if they're not so great for you, etc). Real, long-lasting love is continually taking care of each other, and accepting one another for who they really are, and it constantly builds on itself. But a lot of people I know, in my generation, and even in my parents generation, seem to think that if you find the "right" person, love should always be easy and seem automatic. The idea that two people would have to work to maintain their love is treated as insulting, or as a sign that their love isn't "pure" enough or "good" enough, and that they should split up and find some one else who makes them more happy. Now I'm sure some people actually do fall out of love, or change and become incompatible with their lover. But I think a lot of couples would find that if they focused on making each other happy, and giving each other what they need&want, instead of getting what they need&want, that perhaps they would still be in love. But I don't judge people who have had divorces as bad, lazy, or selfish people right off the bat. That would be unfair.
I am massively against divorce. I think that once that commitment has been made then you have to stick at it and put everything into making it work and last. Obviously the longer you're in a relationship/marriage with someone the more "boring" it seems as nothing is new anymore, so making the effort to add the odd romantic gesture/surprise is crucial! I hope that when I'm married I can make it last
This is a tough call to generalize, as each couple's situation may be slightly different, and everyone's ability to forgive and forget (even with adultery) is different amongst all of us. However, that being said, I think people should fight to save a marriage a bit harder than they do. Many people just give up. Marriage isn't easy, by any means. Divorce can be harder though, especially on children. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, but many attempt to chase that at the expense of their own children. As far as it being accepted overall, with the divorce rate being over 50% now, I really don't think the concept of divorce is all that foreign within our culture today. Just ask any divorce attorney.
Hi .. Im a lifer to .. ive been lockd up for 13 years .. and let me jus say that this marital life is bullshit .. first of all love dont love nobody and second mahnogamy for the rest of somones life is unrealistic ... i got into bcuz i felt it was the right thing to do at the time & also for spiritual reasons .. i hated livin in sin .. with that being said .. I constantly struggle to feel happiness, and i stay out of tuned of whats going on around the household simply its bcuz i dont care anymore ... ive broken every rule in the marital handbook ... she complains that we dont fuck enuff .. the truth is im tired of the same shit ... Im a dude that craves variety .. I can never relax without a fuckn heated argument starting .. its either bcuz i didnt do somethin or did the wrong somethin or didnt say something or said the wrong somethin .. she literally called me her burden the other nite... she goes through my phone like an investigator knowin damn well aint no bitch tryin to talk to me .... the only thing keepin me from divorce is one .. i cant afford it .. and two .. it wud devastate my kidz and im not trying to put them through all that drama ... The strange twist is whenever were blunted out and high off some dank we back to being best friends literally pretending like nothin happened ... so i wait patiently for that fine ass mistress to come rescue me if not then i guess ima have to serve out my time ...
This is the kind of thing I was talking about..why is it more acceptable for people to go years, if not their whole lives unhappy, just because of a commitment that was made? People make commitments that they break all the time, and yet, when it comes to marriage they are the all high and mighty..should the only commitment that truly matter be your happiness and your kids happiness? You all have provided very good responses, I'm glad those of you that joined in have, this is a good discussion!!
LoL .. yeah thats why i try to keep us both high & danked out bcuz for some strange odd reason weed brings us together like best friends .. but whenever its gone .. oh boy!! All i can say is thank god for liquor stores and weed dealerz ...
Its not so much of being high & mighty .. jus the thought of not being in your kids life as often as you are being at home bcuz you would figure if i step off then that leaves another guy to come raise my kids .. and i got two daughters .. i cant take a chance on child molesters pretending to be "mommys boyfriend" coming into my home and traumatizing my girls ... second everybody know the court system and child support system favors the woman ... and god knows how long it will take before the courts & system will make it fair for the guy to live on without taking a shit load out of his check .. ive seen too many friends go through that drama ... that term itz cheaper to keep'er is a real statement ... So yeah we can aim for self happiness without the drama by easily ending it and filing for divorce but theres a fat price to pay not just financially but mentally & emotionally ... the fear of gettin put under in exchange for freedom ... so i joke and i say im better off running away with a mistress bcuz its like disappearing in thin air and if the court takes all my money no worries my mistress will take care of me until ill get my shit together again .... LoL ..
Dude, I so fcking understand how you feel. I got two kids too. Both boys though. But I know exactly what you mean... -- I was like you. Locked up in miserable marriage... with a wife who you just can't live with... but can't get rid of either. Man... the marriage has sucked the life out of you... you feel like you're living in hell, and what's worse is, that you're not even dead! You wish you were dead... but you can't die either because of the kids... Shiet... I know exactly how that feels like coz I've been there before. But the good thing about life is, that nothing remains the same. Good things you had with your wife in the past... they will turn bad as time passes. And the bad stuff you have with your wife at the moment... they will turn good as more time passes. I'm not just saying this to cheer you up. I'm saying this as a testimony to what happens throughout the different stages of marriage. Anyway... good luck man. Hope you all the best.
I didn't mean you exactly, how you didn't take offense to that...I meant people who break every other commitment in their lives, but use the "I made a life long commitment when it comes to divorce".. But I can relate to your situation, I have a daughter from a previous relationship who I only get to see a couple times a week..Hey mother and I were in a very bad relationship, I was extremely unhappy, constantly stressed out, and would hope to get hit by a bus on my way to work every morning..I never got to spend quality time with my daughter..Sure, I got to see her every day, but when you're constantly fighting and being stressed out, you don't have the quality time, just quantity. So I made the decision during our last blow out to not come crawling back, and I have to say, while there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish to be back "home" putting my child to bed every night with her mother, I don't regret it one bit. In fact, during my current separation, I did alot of thinking back to that period in my life, wondering if this was all worth it...I struggled with it for a while, but I know it has been. Sure I don't get to see my daughter every night, but a couple nights a week and every other weekend with amazing quality time with my daughter was completely worth sacrificing seeing her every night. I hope my sacrifice will show her to follow your heart and what you believe is the right choice. That she will know she doesn't need to go through life miserable, just because she's married or has kids..I realized life is too short to worry about that, and you need to make the best of the time you have here.. And yet the kicker is, her mother is in a relationship and has a kid with a different guy, and their relationship is just as toxic as the one I had with her..makes it feel like all this was in vain lol
Dude, I'm sorry you had to get divorced... but I'm happy you're happier on your own. I can understand what you mean by having little but quality time, versus having a lot but miserable time with the kid. I had similar experience myself with my kids. Couldn't stand my wife anymore, so I lived in separate house. We were sort of practicing a mock up divorced life. What would it be like if we got divorced, and we lived in separate houses? To be really honest, I didn't mind it a bit! But my wife couldn't stand it... Now that I think about it, it was only a year ago when that happened. Feels like it's been longer than that...