Long read... Might be worth it. Or maybe it's because I'm so high... but here we go. EDIT: This has taken me like six hours to write, I'm not high anymore... and I'm faced with a huge personal problem. I feel completely lost and seek advice. Short version... So I just had a crazy four days, including smoking literally about 19 blunts, snorting vicoden and loritab (which I've never done and probably never will do again), and almost constantly drinking from about 7pm to around 3am, having to work at 7am on every day cept the fourth... which I still had to open but we opened 9 (I work at subway). Today I was super pissed and had to deal with an ex girlfriend and another girl and I'm currently talking to. After dealing with my ex, I smoked three blunts with my friends to calm my nerves before I went and talked to this other girl about our relationship. Really high, I started pondering everything that has happened in my life and what I'm about to do and I'm starting to see a couple of different patterns in my life... I think I could be: 1) A future pedophile, if not already considered one now... 2) Could possibly be bi-polar, ocd, add or something (sister is bi-polar... so I'm not sure) 3) Could just be maturing or something 4) Or could just be really high, lol Interested? It's a long one... So I've only slept with two girls, and have had two actual relationships. First girl I dated when I was 17 and she was 16. At the time I lived in Kansas and she was a foreign exchange student from Germany. We dated for a total of like 8 months, but only 3 together. The other 5 she moved back home; we started dating at the end of the year. Her father left her mom and sister when she was younger and pretty much had no father figure for her life. We shared a lot when we talked, but she never really opened up to me about her father. We never had sex, but had fooled around before. Next, I'm 18 and I work at Wendy's. I started to have a crush on this girl I work with. She was 16 at the time, going to turn 17 shortly. We started talking to each other outside of work. She had an ex and they were talking about getting back together. Nothing really panned out. Never had sex with her or really dated her. We just hung out a couple of times, talked a lot about her personal life and my life, but I felt like I liked her a lot. This girl had a dad, but her parents always were fighting and talking about divorce. She told me he was abusive to them from time to time, but I never seen anything. He had other kids too… with other women. Pretty much came from a broken home. Once she started talking to me and opening up she was really emotional. Now I'm 19, in college, drinking and smoking with my buddy's, and I happen to hook up with this slut. Everyone knew I was a virgin and I don't know. It was weird because it was a onetime thing when we were drinking, but one of my friends had fucked her... he didn't care tho. But sleeping with random girls just isn't my thing. Around the same time, I had a crush on this girl I worked with at Wendy's… we'll call her Mary. She was 15, but we flirted at work all the time. It seemed like constantly to me. About two weeks after I lost my virginity to the slut, we started hanging out outside of work and I really started to like her. Everyone at work gave me shit about it when they found out, because she was 15 and I was 20. She was very mature for her age and I liked her so I was like whatever. Looked it up on the Google, if it was weird and a lot of mixes responses so I was always like fuck it… who cares what they think. So we dated and were together for a little over 2 years and just broke up 3 months ago. Mary had a dad, but he cheated on her mom more than once. He was abusive to them from time to time. I never seen, but she told me and I believed from what I have seen of his temper. He had other kids too… with other women. Pretty much Mary came from a broken home too. I took her virginity and was her shoulder to cry on whenever she was down. Also very emotional but told me a lot of personal information about her father and family and everything. So… Now I'm 22, about to turn 23 years old and my ex is 18. The first month we broke up, I wanted to get back together with her and she ignored me a bunch. Then we started talking again but it was really flaky. Come to find out, behind my back she was talking to another dude, and they kissed. I know we weren't together and it's not like they fucked, but I still felt betrayed because she told me she wasn't talking to anyone else or seeing anyone. While together… I had a pretty high sex drive and when we broke it off. Well it sucked. And Mary wanted to talk to me all the time and I knew I shouldn't talk to her but I wanted to have sex. And I told her this. I told her I didn't want any kind of emotional relationship with her. All I wanted was to have sex. She agreed to strictly fuck buddy terms, but I could tell that she still wanted me back, and was probably only sleeping with me to get a chance to win me back. We had sex on a couple of different nights, up until about three weeks ago. About the same time me and Mary broke up, I started talking with a girl I work with again, we will call her Jane. She just got out of an abusive relationship with her ex. They were together for about 4 years off and on I think. About three weeks ago, we started hanging out outside of work. Just smoking and chillin, sometimes alone, sometimes with one of her friends, sometimes with a bunch of people. She has told me a lot about her personal life in the last three weeks. Stuff about her and her ex, how her half brother recently passed away. This girl also comes from a broken home. Her dad has like five kids with three different women. Once I start talking her to and get her to open up, I can tell that she is very emotional too. While talking to Jane about my ex at work, I mentioned how I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now and how I'm trying to find more of a short term relationship, or like a friends with benefits thing. Nothing serious. She says she's looking for the same type of thing. Oh yeah, and she is also 17 years old… Ok… Now. I didn't really plan this, it just kind of happened. Four days ago I started partying with my friends. I had to work at 7am the next day but fuck it right. So I stay up drinking and smoking, snorted some loritab. I probably got about four hours of sleep. Same shit next day. Left work, was pretty tired but the day was already half over… and I had to work the next day at 7am, so I didn't want to go to bed too early. I ended up partying again. Drinking and smoking a lot, snorted some vicoden. Probably got about 5 hours of sleep. Now it's Friday, and I'm supposed to go camping with Jane. We already made these plans, so I didn't want to cancel. I get off work tired as fuck and smoke with some friends. Then I go out and start drinking at the camp site and get really fucked up again. Me and Jane didn't do anything. She got really shit faced and threw up a bunch. I ended up being with her most of the night, and really late into the night when things were calming down, she was telling me more personal shit. We passed out at like 5 in the morning and I had to work at 9am the next day. Fuck me right. So Saturday I'm all dragging ass at work, tired as fuck. It's Fourth of July. I am supposed to go camping again with these girls and drink. Well… I ended up getting pretty damn drunk, got really jealous because she pretty much ditched me and her friend. I left and just crashed at my place instead. So today I wake up and my ex is blowing up my phone because I kind of ditched her this weekend and she is still in love with me. With the exception of today, I haven't seen her in about three weeks. We have talked on the phone a couple of times, but never hung out or did anything while I was talking to Jane. Jane text me last night after I passed out all like,†I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't do anything you just left.†Pretty emotional messages too, kind of hard to explain I guess. So I talked to my ex and tell her I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I can't have this fuck buddy relationship with her, one knowing that she is doing it just to be with me, and two because I am kind of thinking me and Jane are gonna hook up. She comes over to my house and is all crying her eyes out. I told her I didn't wanna be in a relationship with her anymore before and we could stop talking any day just because I was over her. She always insisted on coming over and it didn't feel right. I always felt bad afterwards. I told her I had to stop seeing or talking to her all together because I didn't wanna use her anymore. She literally cried and begged for an hour for me to take her back and how she loved me and how she just always thought we were gonna get back together. I told her I didn't know why she even wanted to come over because I didn't trust her after everything that happened in our relationship and I was never going to get back with her. She wouldn't stop crying or begging me to take her back and I couldn't take it anymore so I had to tell her to leave and she wouldn't listen. It got to the point where I had to yell at her to leave because I didn't care anymore. It really did break my heart because I do still care about her, I just know I can never trust her again and won't let myself go back to that. So I'm extremely drained, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm so tired and I can't go to sleep. My mind is racing a million miles a sec. I go over to a buddies to smoke again because I am so stressed out. I am texting her and we talking about how we need to talk about everything that happened and what's going on between us. We make plans to get something to eat tonight and talk about everything. After that I am sitting on the couch high as fuck thinking about everything. The weed chilled me out a bunch and I was in a much better mood, but my mind was still flying everywhere. Thinking about my whole life and that's when I noticed a couple of different patterns. All the girls I have gotten close with have been younger than me, all of them seem emotionally unstable in some way. I have noticed my constant shift in moods. Not just the last couple days with the lack of sleep and a lot of partying, but in general. Looking back I believe my mood swings and my ex's mood swings are the reason why we fighted so much throughout the time we were together. When I think about it, my frequent shift in moods is a lot of the reason why I feel depressed and jealous a lot. I have been thinking about a lot of the texts I have sent and thinking about how they sound and how they are back and forth. I'm not even high anymore. I've been writing this off and on for about 4 hours. Jane ended up taking a nap and just texted me a little bit ago saying she wasn't gonna hang out because of how tired she was. She's just gonna go back to sleep. Even that… I feel like she ditched me again because she said she was gonna text me after her nap. But I understand where she is coming from cause I am sure I am more tired than she is. I have tried laying down and going to sleep three times since I started writing this. A couple days ago I felt like I was on top of the world. I could call up my ex if I wanted to and get some pussy. I didn't though because I was talking to this other girl. I realize that I like her and I feel like she likes me back, but at the same time… she's 17 and I'm 23. My friends all give me a hard time. My parents hated the fact that me and Mary stayed together for so long. They always kept it quiet, but I know they never liked the age difference. I just got used to saying fuck it, if she made me happy then what does it matter. But looking back on it all now, I just don't know how to feel. It ended so badly. And tonight, during my talk with Jane, I was going to bring up the whole friends with benefits thing. I wanted to make it clear today before we hung out again that I wasn't trying to date her. I just wanted to hang out from time to time, smoke weed, and have sex. But when we were camping and drinking, we both were acting a lot like a couple. Not like making out and kissing, but holding hands and cuddling. I'm not sure what I'm more surprised about. The fact that I am 23 years old talking to a girl that is 17 years old, or the fact that I was about to suggest a fuck buddy situation with her. A part of me is worried that I have convinced myself its ok to sleep with little kids, as bad as this sounds. I have just gotten used to the fact and me and the ex had a five year age difference and that it doesn't matter that the next girl I happen to talk to has a six year age difference. Honestly, if I didn't have to worry about what anyone else said about me and her I would probably see where this goes in a heartbeat, but since I took a step back and looked at my life. I just don't know if I even want to go down this road, because it feels like I've been here before. And another thing… I worked at Wendy's for about 2 years and have worked at Subway for about 3 years. The people I work with, almost all are just starting college or are currently in high school. Its fast food, and always been the group of people I spent a lot of time with at work. Since the end of my relationship with Mary, the few friends I do have are anywhere from 19 to 24. Is it weird that all of the girls I've been interested in were all young, all from broken families, all had emotional baggage. Three of the four girls I had met and really got to know mostly at work… At the same time, my mind is zipping everywhere, trying to think about everything at once. I am thinking about how my sister was diagnosed with bi-polar a while back. And about how she was doing all kinds of drugs and no one knew about it. I looked up bi-polar on Wikipedia and a lot of the stuff it talks about, I have felt numerous times in my life, some of it constantly. I'm not even high anymore and I am like freaking myself out. I don't know what to do about Jane, I feel like I need to talk to someone about this bi-polar shit… Another thought I had is what if I am bi-polar, and because of that… the girls I am attracted to are either depressed and need a shoulder to lean on, or maybe other bi-polar people that just don't know they are bi-polar. All three girls I worked with, all three with broken homes, all three were chipper and fun loving at work and deep down all three were sad and depressed a lot of the time. I feel like I am subconsciously preying on their weakness somehow and I don't know. Honestly I don't even know what I'm searching for by posting this thread… Do you think it's wrong if I have a relationship with a 17 year old when I'm about to be 23. What about a fuck buddy situation. I feel like I am completely out of line by even thinking about doing anything with her, but at the same time… I feel like we connected and both want the same thing. What about the bi-polar shit? After reading my wall of text, do you think I should go see a shrink? I don't want to end up having to take pills like my sister did. I'm probably going to talk to my sister about all of this tomorrow, but honestly I'm scared to tell her this shit because I'm afraid I might actually be bi-polar. I think I'm going to lay down again and try to get some sleep. I started writing this at like 7:30 and its 1:30am. I feel so tired and drained, yet I have a feeling when I lay down my minds not going to shut down and I won't be able to sleep still. Hopefully someone will read all of this and comment. If I get any responses, I will update on the situation. Until then…
I dont think you are a pedophile... feelings are irrational and if you had feelings before you knew their age then it really isn't weird, and it's not like you go out and actively look for younger girls do you? as for most of them coming from broken homes, i think that is just a coincidence, i mean it's only 3 girls your talking about. If you had dated 20 girls and there were all young and from broken homes then you should start to worry. Oh and that was a VERY long read....maybe the longest in GC
Thanks for reading the whole thing. You made me feel a little better. Its 4:05am here and I still can't sleep asleep. I couldn't wait and texted my sister. She said she didn't think I was bipolar and just going through a rough time... But I didn't really tell her much. Ill probably call her tomorrow, or just let her read this, lol Thanks again
Okay mano, you wanted a response, you're gonna get one. First of all: Don't trip, you're not a pedophile. You're a young man who's attracted to fertile girls. It happens, it's quite natural, I'm 20, one of the more recent girls I was with is 17, she'll be 18 in a couple months. You'll never stop being physically attracted to them, you'll just start caring more about the law. Chances are high that you're not OCD or bi-polar, everyone will exhibit tendencies of these disorders and smoking will extrapolate these traits, but you'll know if you have full blown OCD or BPD. There's a difference between not liking a messy room and not being able to sleep at night because you think you might have left a dirty fork in the sink. There's a difference between having normal happiness and sadness and having extreme mood swings between euphoric happiness and extreme anger or sadness. What I believe is happening with your relationships and the girls you are getting into relationships with is fairly simple. I believe that there is some underlying issue with your views of your own value and place in the world. The fact that you're looking around for something wrong with you, trying to fit yourself into these various models of disorders, shows that you may not really be sure of yourself. I believe that consciously or unconsciously you are trying to seek validation from these girls. The fact that you are getting in relationships with girls who are younger than you AND they have deep seated mental issues seems to point to the idea that you have a need to be needed. You need to feel like you're valuable but you don't understand that value comes from within. By getting into these relationships I believe you are putting a band-aid over the hole in your soul, a temporary plug that will make you feel better about yourself because you are important to someone else. You're not a bad person man, you're just a dude that likes hot girls. But you're over 18, so welcome to the world of temptation. If you want to rework your outlook on the world, I highly suggest reading Eckhart Tolle, both "The Power of Now" and "The New Earth". If you're not much of a reader, they come in audiobook format as well, probably available for download.
Yeah. After I wrote it all down and posted it, I started researching if there was a corralation between keeping a journal ( cause that's what that shit felt like when I was writing it) and mental illness. Looked up your book and read the describtion. It also makes me wonder about the power or the mind. I might have to look into that later. I'm not really for being all spirtual... But I am interested in the philosophy of like... The true self, and the ego or whatever... Or is that sociology?
Psychology/Metaphysics is the best way I'd describe it. It's a kind of self help, but it teaches you that you are enough, how to accept your place in the world and how to change yourself to be the person that you want. It's philosophy, it's psychology, it's self-actualization. And journaling is actually a good thing to do for your mental health. I'd say start keeping a journal and it might help you understand yourself better than you think. It's something to check out at the very least.
my dad and I still check out the young girls man.. every guy checks out every girl.. even if there ugly its NATURAL. my dad just says... "what... I can look I just cant touch!"
I don't think you're a paedophile, man. From the sounds of it you're attracted to these younger girls more for their personality, the fact that they're more mentally mature than most people their age. Still, if you think you have bi-polar or some sort of mental disorder, go to see a doctor as soon as you can before it starts seriously affecting you. Peace.
People tend to forget that a pedophile is someone who's attracted to prepubescent children. Not just kids that are under 18. Yeah, it's still sick for a 30 year old to be going out with a 15 year old, but it's not pedophilia. So unless you're looking at some 7 year olds you're not a pedophile. And you're not OCD, I'm OCD and if you have it and don't treat it in some way it'll take over your life. So you'd definitely know if you're OCD. I don't know what else to tell you b/c honestly I didn't read the whole story, sorry.
Thanks for all the replies guys. I finally got to get some sleep at about 5am. I already feel better. I really think I was just flipping out because I couldn't think straight. I think it was from the fact I had barely slept in like four days, and right at the end... I had that whole episode with my ex girlfriend. Not sure what imma do about the situation tho. Just gonna play it by ear and try not to stress. Thanks again.