Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage." Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch anywhere!"
Lil' Johnny gets on a city bus, and sits down behind the driver. He then says loudly, "If my Dad was a Bull and Mom was a cow,I'd be a Lil' bull" . Then "If Dad was an elephant, and Mom was an elephant, I'd be a Lil' elephant"! Lil' Johnny proceeded to go thru the animal kingdom like this until it drove the Bus driver CRAZY! He turned and yelled at Lil' Johnny, "What If your Dad was a Faggot, and your Mom was a Whore!!!" Without hesitation, Lil' Johnny replied, "Then I'd be a city Bus driver!" : :
LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... PHILOSOPHY: A teacher asks her class, " If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking." LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... MATH: Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' and I said '6'", replies Johnny. "But that's right!" "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... ENGLISH: Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GRAMMAR: Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!" LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GRAMMAR (2): One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful " in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who respond- ed with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,... just fucking beautiful!'" LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GETTING OLDER Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny re- plied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!" : : :