Life advice

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by chillstoner420, Aug 21, 2019.

  1. First, I would like to say thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this and perhaps respond with a little advice for me. With that I'll get into the story and eventually how you can help me by imparting some wisdom. It all started out when I met this woman. We got along swell. Right away we liked each other and then started a relationship.

    This girl has two children ages 2 and 5, both boys. I got along well with them as our relationship blossomed. Their father was in their life for a couple months after this woman and the children's father broke up. He moved on and found another woman to parsue. They now live together and are going strong as far as I know. That's good and all for him but he hasn't visited his children since, not when they go the the hospital emergency or not. Not even for the oldest sons pre school graduation, or the two year olds birthday.

    We dated for eight months, coming to a spot in life where we are now choosing to go out separate ways. She said we could still be together and get married but not forever. She also said we could have a child because I've always wanted one but don't have any biological children of my own. As our relationship grew we moved together fairly quickly. Naturally being around her children helping her watch them, feed them, and spend time with them even just playing outside everyday they started calling me dad on their own.

    The mother felt strange about it when we both first noticed them calling me that and she corrected them right away each time. After awhile she stopped and we talked. She said she doesn't mind them calling me this but her sister and mother might. They are a big part of the children's life. She said it's how they feel and being the father never bothers to be a part of their life they have no father figure. The oldest acts out in school and used to get really sad his father wouldn't be here when he would get back from headstart. The youngest didn't really like his father because they never played together much. He used to think the youngest wasn't his so he distanced himself while favoring the oldest. So the youngest child grew a really strong bond with me and is always so happy to see me.

    After sometime the oldest stopped getting upset about his father not being there. He doesn't know it's because he doesn't want to see him, but rather that he simply moved. Now he calls me that when he feels like it and looks so happy, then wants to do something like watch TV and cuddle up next to me. He also used to have nightmares at night and wouldn't stop crying. Since I woke up a few times to comfort him they've subsided. When his mother would try it would take her awhile and he usually would call for his dad while crying. I told him alot of times when he called me dad at first that I'm not his father but I will always be there for you. No matter what you can always come to me if you need me, I'll always either be here or just a phone call away. He says okay but your still daddy. I feel bad for telling him this so much because the mother wanted me to make that clear with him. I also feel bad for him because I grew up with no father and he is having some troubles I experienced growing up.

    I still talk to the mother, she told me she didn't want to be with me forever on my birthday. I really was hoping for a nice day. I broke up with her because I figured what's the point to build your life with someone if it's not forever. She recently talked to me about having visits with them and spending the night. She said I could fill the role as their father if the children want me to. I don't know what to do. They call me dad so they probably do, but her family doesn't know we broke up. We both think they would find it weird but will talk to them if they ever bring it up. She also said she isn't going to parsue any other men and just wants to be alone. She also says not to hope we will ever have a chance of getting to be together.

    What would we even tell the kids when they're older? I still want to be a part of their life but I don't know how to handle feeling pain seeing her and them but not mattering to her anymore. I torn and can't decide. Do I either toss my own pain and feelings to be a considerate selfless human being to benefit two children to grow up with a father figure. Or do I just move on in hopes it'll bring less emotional pain and for self preservation like we as humans are supposed to do instinctively. Also this would affect any relationships I have in the future if they have an opinion about it. If I have children what should I tell them?

    So now that you have hopefully read everything I thank you again. What would you do? Why would you do choose to do that? What do you think I should do? I kind of want to still visit with them so they still have male adult attention. They get female adult attention but not to the level of talking and playing with them I do. They are watched but sometimes ignored in terms of meaningful attention. Like conversations about toys TV playing imaginary toys about their days and what's upsetting them lately. Well the youngest just babbles incoherent words with a lot of recognizable words here and there. Please give me some advice. I told her I'll think about it and I indeed have a lot to think about.
  2. Shes fckin wit her kid's mind wtf!! Id just tell her its either we are a couple and not fck buddies or i come n visit my boys lol,,I've been in this same situation kimda and its hard because now her kids get attached to u and then the chick has a gd brain fart lmao

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  3. You dated for 8 months. Walk away for the sake of the children imo.
  4. You sound like one big hearted human. I think she sounds off. Who would say that to someone? Love me now and I'll love you but not forever. That sounds like a very insecure relationship and I don't blame you one bit for wanting out.

    Regarding the kids, their mother is in complete control of everything here. What if you spend time getting closer and closer and she has a freak out about something and doesn't let you see them any more? Or her new boyfriend cuts off your relationship with her kids? You have NO say in this being you are a friend only. I would walk personally. I would ask her if you can perhaps have a relationship with them through letters but leave it at that. She has put you in a no-win situation and you deserve a real relationship.
  5. I think that the person you're with doesn't necessarily intend to be emotionally manipulative, but she is.
    I don't see it ending well to be honest with you, and I don't think she's comfortable/able to be in a real relationship at this time...I'd talk to her, let her know what you want etc...and tell her you'll leave it with her until such a time as she decides she wants the same thing.
    Sorry to say it...and it might not be what you want to hear, I get that.
    You seem like an honourable human being though. All the best.
  6. @WeedHaps You right weedhaps. She takes serotonin and has to take other medicine. She has PTSD as well. It's a tough situation. I guess I'll stay distant. Do my own thing and succeed in life the best I can. Besides she wants to live her life. Can't get mad at someone for that. It's like when someone quits a job. They are relieved and never end up going back. Usually they quit on good terms but oh well.
    @smokeout69 what do you mean a brain fart?
    @CheebaWeeba yeah I get what you mean. It hasn't turned out good so far. I moved to town when I work so it's not a long drive. Especially when I work at 6am. She randomly messaged me saying she's there to get her stuff. I said i wasn't there. Then she texts me back saying she's stuck in her car and to help. I was out of town. I could've called a friend but she wasn't telling me how she was stuck or where. At like two in the morning. I felt bad but it wasn't my fault and didn't have an effect me. Call your family not your ex who you just broke up with really rudely and on his birthday.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  7. Yeah that's what I plan on doing. Every day that passes I slowly fade from their memory. They have an amazing grandmother and auntie who help take care of them. They will be okay. I'm just have to always remind myself that if I feel like I miss them.
  8. #8 jerry111165, Aug 26, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2019
    Sorry double post.
  9. And that they aren’t your kids and their mom is the one that decided she didn’t want to spend her life with you -

    Move on dude. As much as you like the kids, they just aren’t yours and you didn’t marry into the family.

  10. think I will smoke a joint and ponder this problem .
    Be back ,, maybe , sometime , hope fully.
    If I don't return just carry on like I am still here ,, even if I really am not .
  11. I mean yeah...if you were ever here in the first place, right?
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. If I was ever here it was a figment of someone imagination .
  14. I lived with a woman and her two kids for a few years as she was going through a divorce. I ended the relationship and the hardest part was leaving behind the two boys. They turned out just fine, after a succession of men in her life years later the boys biological father made the comment that I was the best out of all of the others who had come into her life. That was a nice reward to hear him say that.

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