Right, so I'm posting this in the box but if its not the right place I apologise. I'm just going to toss out a bit about myself for anyone thats intersted in reading. Feel free to share as well. So most of my childhood is actually foggy. Lets say, Birth-10year is all forgotten or repressed for whatever reason. It's only after about 10 years old where memory kicks in. I'm not sure why this is but none the less my memories are no more then small fragments. As far as I know I have suffered no majorly traumatic events although I did spend the early years of my childhood in a dysfunctional family environment. (father was agressive and angry and was no stranger to unmentionables. My mother was as far as I can remember, quite detatched from me.) At an early age the rents split and later devorced. I ended up with my mom for several years to come, in which time she fought to keep my father away and became increasingly stressed and angry. Jump forward to the past 3-4 years where I lived with my mother and 1 sibling. All of wich time I spent in a depressive and angry state. I subjected myself to alcohol abuse and various unmentionables. I slipped into a suicidal, binge drinking downward spiral. This was ongoing for about three years. I've since distanced myself from alcohol and unmentionables. (Of course, I do enjoy a drink. It's becuase of cleaning up that I can now see things a bit more clear. I'm unable to have a drink without craving another but I'm able to stop my self before going to far. I have a weakness to drugs and alcohol but unlike before I am not on a 'hunt' for detaching my self from reality. I know I will always have this weakness and addictive personality. Over the past year or so I've really began to find my self. I've come to really appreciate literature and very much enjoy writing. (poetry, creative writing etc.) Since cleaning up I have gained an incredible amount of self esteem and no longer fear embaresment or anything like that. I'm confident in my abilites. However, I've also come to not fear death. I have very detatched emotions. I can't ever remember feeling genuinely happy but I know what it is that would make me feel it. Situitions that would cause an emotional experience in any rational human being have absolutely no effect on me. I am very much still depressed although it's quite different from what it was. I am not sad so to speak and unlike before I'm not focused on who I am but instead where I need to be. I stIll suffer suicidal thought and tendencies, I still have a short fuse temper and I still feel trapped and left behind. I live my life day to day becuase thats really all I can do. I strive to be a working actor one day, this is my dream and sadly my life will be one big dissapointing shit stain if I don't achieve that goal. I feel the need to become an actor more so then I could ever even explain, so I won't try. The best I could give you is that there is this pit in me and inside that pit is this burning desire to be an actor, and every day that I wake up still not an actor is another day I am in emotional pain because of it. I know not where I'll be in five years or even if I'll ''be'' at all but I do know that I'll be trying my hardest to make it one step closer to my goal. Anyway, I think thats all for now. (I know, its a fucking wall of text so I don't blame you if you don't read it all)
start exercising. do you have a hobby? do you have friends? try yoga. read "the power of now". get laid.
I joined in October of 2011.. so.. no? Sign me up. Yeah, I have hobbies and friends. I've done yoga before, its not really my thing though. I mean, I love the stretching. I'm not looking for some self help book or anything though hahaha thanks.
Have you tried gardening? It's quite hard work but relaxing and rewarding seeing the literal fruits of your labor spawn into the world as delicious food. I've been pretty depressed since my uncle died but Im thinking about gardening myself some time soon my dad has a garden I'd like to do some of that.
yoga has very little to do with stretching. considering your entire rant in the OP... you could use something like that. and the book is not a self-help book at all. judging from what you've wrote, you need all the help you can get. but being closed minded won't get you anywhere. good luck though.
dear armidillo, ive known people who have been where you are, hell ive been where you are, I think the key is first to make sure you're not surrounded by assholes, and surrounded your self with positive people. Sex is also an awesome distraction, especially if its with someone you have feelings for, then you have some amazing passionate sex for an hour or two, then life wont seem so bad, at least for a little while. I think its important to connect with real people, a lot of people are insecure with themselves and who they are, therefore you only deal with a mask, but if you connect with like minded down to earth people, it wont be so bad. You just need someone to talk to, and someone who will listen. Feel free to pm me, or talk here, I am always happy to listen and talk. Life is not so bad, just a lot of bad people to deal with.
Hmm.. Describe how anything i've said is close minded? Really.. I would like to hear. Your right, that book isn't a self help book instead its a book about spiritual enlightenment. Forgive me for tossing it out as a self help book since the attitude of your post so strongly suggested thats what it was. I've got too many books lined up right now to give that a look. Maybe some other time though. Oh, and I never asked for help from anyone, nor am I really looking for it. t think people are confusing the point of my post. It's just to start a conversation. I needed to get those things off my chest so I did. I appreciate your reply but the truth is i'm in no emotional turmoil as of yet. Things could always be worse, granted things could definitely be better.
i am happy to hear that you seem to be okay, nevertheless, if you want to talk, about anything really, Im here, gc is here, full of good people who would love to listen