Let me rant, please.

Just want to do a rant, think it will help, plus I'm bored.

the past few years I've been in somewhat of a depressing state read the whole thing to get full understanding.of course i have my days where things go well and days where they don't.

My mother has cancer, before you make your assumptions of me mooching off of them, she obviously needs help.
My father I feel is losing his sanity, years and years of pain/anxiety/depression medication can fuck with a man more than anything can. I've seen that. It's eating away at his brain.

Not giving away much information, let's just say a few years ago when we moved to this new town, it was just me and my parents. I didn't like the fact we moved. Since we moved to this town during the summer, of course still being a child i didn't want to go out and meet people. I mostly went to the skatepark, had a few select people I'd know, and keep to myself. Sleeping became an issue, the computer became my friend and my cause. Different things started to become an interest to me at an oddly young age..I would read about things that would make me think, philosophy, conspiracy theories, drugs, sometimes I would just lay, and think. Stretch out my thoughts as far as possible.
At this same time I became addicted. No, not to a drug. I became addicted to the computer. (Some people might be able to relate)
I became fond to an online game. Runescape (Judge away) I played it a little bit back home before i moved, when I was younger. I just had nothing to do in the summer, laying awake at night not being able to sleep. Of course it seemed fun. I began to talk to friends back from home that I rarely talked to over the game, just because it made me feel better, almost closer to home. I became heavily addicted, as school started I kept to myself. I knew I wasn't necessarily more knowledgeable than everyone I went to school with, but I felt as if I was smarter when it came to deeper thoughts. I didn't make friends, besides the few kids that shared same interests with me at school. I wore super skinny jeans, had long hair and wore band t-shirts with gory images. I would still converse with people if I felt comfortable enough at school to do so. Every know and then someone would confront me of why I do the things I do, act the way I act and dress the way I dress. I simply said because I fucking can. Who are they to tell me that this isn't normal? What the fuck is normal anyways? You only think it's abnormal because of the fucked up society we live in. You don't know how worthless us, our race and even our fucking planet actually is. I've heard that the universe never ends, what makes you think that us, the not even .00000000000001% of the universe actually matters?
I just wanted people to leave me alone, and let me do what I want, and not judge me based off of it. I just didn't understand why.

I was sent to therapy by my parents. Normal therapy wasn't working, I knew it wasn't. My mother tricked me to go to the hospital to go to a normal doctors checkup. Of course I believed her. For some reason we went to the top floor. We talked with a lady I've never met before. We go to this decently sized room with a lot of chairs and a big rectangle table. We start talking about depression, I didn't know we would be at this kind of doctor. After some questions were answered I get confused, they start talking about picking me up at 7pm every day besides weekends and Fridays. Immediately I say "Wait, what? why am I staying here what the fuck is this?"
Apperently, my mother tricked me. It was called an IOP program, forgot what it stood for, inpatient outpatient something, idk. She started to explain what it was. I was supposed to get picked up from school, come here for 3 hours and have group therapy with other kids. She even told me, "This is voluntary, you do not have to be here if you don't want to." I don't remember why I didn't leave. I think it might have been because my mother would have gotten mad at me, of course I was still afraid of the actions my parents would do then.
These were the most miserable times of my life. My parents took the computer away, giving me only 2 hours to use it per day, which I thought was terrible.
I can't believe I kept going to that piece of shit group therapy...I knew I wasn't happy there and I wasn't going to get happy there. I remember the kids that I talked to, so well.
There was a girl that tried to commit suicide..Why was I here?
There was a girl that cut her wrists, and couldn't make friends and threatened to kill herself.. Why was I here?
There was a kid that tried to hurt himself with his couch after his mom took his T.V out of his room. Why was I here?
There was a kid that was court ordered there for I don't remember what, something to do with drugs. Why was I here?
I was a kid that didn't WANT to make friends, besides the few I had, if you even want to call them friends. I felt all these people wouldn't be worth wasting my mind on.
I eventually fake my way out of IOP, knowing it wasn't going anywhere, I demanded to be taken off the anxiety meds I was prescribed.
Forgot to mention, I was prescribed sleeping medication during IOP.
Little did I know, this sleeping medication FUCKED YOU UP, I started to experiment with it and didn't tell anyone. The high was great, I felt drunk, but different. I started to do it alot, not addicting alot, but Every night I would take 2 of the pills I remember, and get a good little high going, maybe last an hour or 2 or 3.
I started getting high, smoking was just something I wanted to try.

So I turned 16, November of that year I got a job. Panera Bread, I always thought that the place tasted pretty good. It was Winter. This is when things turned for the better. Shortly before that, I started to dress a little more "normally" I still wore skinny jeans, but just not as tight, lol. My shirts would still usually be black, just not as graphic as before. I became more social. I started making money and buying weed. Cut my hair, I resembled the little skater kid I once was, before I moved.
Here's when things might sound a little weird. I started listening to Indie music, this one particular band. Bright Eyes. I started to smoke by myself at home at night. It made things funner and helped me sleep. A quote from one of his songs have changed me, I don't know why this quote, it just happened. "If it just hurts too bad then we'll wait for it to pass." From his song "Bowl of Oranges", I know this all sounds pretty weird but his music was a gateway for me to become happily depressed. My deep thoughts would continue, mostly consisted of how to portray myself to be "cool" in school. I knew what I had to do, it was just a matter of doing it.
I've slowly been easing into the cool group of kids. But I'm still being my own person, I don't let their ego get past me. But anyways, skip ahead to now.

I still sometimes feel as pathetic as I was back then. But besides those times I know I'm not.

I spent alot of time with one of my best friends from this town this summer, there was this girl he was just banging just because he could, she was a bitch but loved him. He never was a good boyfriend to her because he just wanted to fuck her. Anyways, they're done, and they have been done for awhile. She starts to come on to me, we started talking and she was saying she likes me and shit, I just bullshit my way through texting her, telling her I like her and shit like that. I talked to my buddy about he he said he doesn't care, because I'm pretty sure I'm just going to have sex with her and see what comes from that.

Anyways, this girl is fucking gorgeous.

But is this really all my life has come to? I've barely been social my whole life. I'm quiet but friendly. I think she likes that, but sometimes I think she doesn't. Am I just going to be that person that the girl uses to make her ex boyfriend mad? Is that all I'm going to be in life? Am I one of those people that is just destined to be miserable and alone all my life? What's going to happen to my family? How do I know cancer won't come back and kill my mother in a few years and leave my dad to live by himself? How do I know he won't have a mental breakdown and kill himself?


If you read the whole thing thanks. Sorry if it's jumbled up

 

Thanks I'll look at it

 

Thanks dude, glad to know I'm not the only one.