Last 4 Weeks.

Preface: I'm not high.

Man, oh man, where do I even begin? I should start by saying it's the "Last 3 Months," because that's where I should start. That's where my ex thought it started, at least. More on that later.

A few months ago, I smoked bud for the first time (ever). Me and my girlfriend, who is my ex now and hereafter referred to as "my ex," were having a falling out as per the usual routine, so I went to go chill with my friend, Kevin. Ok, well, Kevin's a cool dude. Smokes quite a bit of bud, too. Before that night, I was definitely not anti-drugs but I didn't smoke or drink, really. Never been drunk, never been high, never had a cigarette. Anyway, that night I go to Kevin's because I really have nowhere to go unless I want to sit in that miserable apartment alone since my ex had left. We live together, if you're following me.

Well, Kevin knows I'm down. Kevin is seriously the best friend a guy can have. He's just awesome. Think of the best guy you know and apply him as one of your closest friend, and that's Kevin. We all probably know a Kevin. Moving on, Kevin asks me if I wanna smoke. He doesn't pressure me, just asks if I want to. Since he's letting me couch surf, I agree to go help him help our other friends move into their new apartment and he said we'll smoke afterwards. Fine, done deal. I'll do it. I'll try something new...and I did...and I loved it. Obviously, else I wouldn't be here.

I put some stupid shit on my FB because I was so giggly. I honestly don't even know what it said because I deleted it once I started coming down. Something that let people know I was high as hell, and my ex saw it. Whoa there cowboy...did I just say my ex saw me say I was high? DAMN. Wrong girl to let know that happened, seriously. She holds me in high regard because I'm typically ambitious and stick to my guns no matter what, as evidenced by the fact that we're still together after so much shit and I hadn't smoked or drank in a long time despite everyone else. Anyway she calls me and Kevin and we both deny that I smoked. Unfortunately, some days later, I'm stupid enough to fucking tell her. God, that was so stupid. Ignorance would have been very good bliss. She fucking loses it. I mean, LOSES IT. This was back in February and she still thinks I only smoked that one time, yet still mocks me as a pothead, stoner, failure to her, etc.

Fast forward to a month ago. I'm always curious what she thinks is so bad about smoking. I'll preface this by saying she's one of "those people" who without rhyme or reason think smoking is the damn devil. Period. There is no changing her mind. Anyway, I try to get to the root of the problem by talking to her. First try, fail. Second try, fail again. Third try, explode. End relationship, I get thrown out of the apartment, she moves out, breaks up with me, tells me she's liked another guy since February when she stopped loving me as much because I was "changing." Keep in mind, we dated for over years prior to February. Almost 2 and a half years. The third attempt at talking to her about smoking was fine, up to a certain point. Somewhere in there she felt the need to tell me that she got drunk off her ass at a "party" to the point she was throwing up, in February. Fine...I don't really care, but given the verbal beating I had taken over smoking, I didn't take this news so lightly. I gave her a little shit and that's where it really ended. For some reason, she felt the need to relieve her guilty conscience to me, but didn't want to take any criticism for it. So, she exploded and did all the above named things.

Fast forward to today. Wow, what a shitty ride. I'm still in love with her. I love her, a lot. And I know she loves me, but did I really screw up this badly? Enough to make her change her number, shut me out from everything and really fuck with me emotionally? I've never had many friends...I'm definitely an introvert. I have very few close friends and in a time where she was literally ALL I had, I had no one to help me through this. Being without her is like living without a purpose, or that's what it feels like. Everyone is chalking it up to me being dramatic, but it is what it is. I stopped going to most classes, stopped studying and stopped doing most of my work. We've talked a few times since then and met a few times face-to-face, but I've largely screwed it up. When I would try to talk to her, it was obsessive. When I saw her, I just wanted to go where she went. I hated, and hate, being without her. It's very hard for me. At her and her sister's blackmail, I went to a counselor and got some help. Keyword, some. My ex told me if I went to get help getting over this, she would talk to me. Well, that hasn't worked. She's still ignoring me. She's only talked to me once in the last week to tell me that she's being charged for something of mine. Great.

So here I am. Alone. Marginally (or not) depressed. All I want to do is have her talk to me again, as a friend, but she won't. Nothing has worked, and I'm afraid nothing will. Letting go is too hard right now and I just wish she'd help me through it. I've been seeing my friends, talking to other people, pursuing my hobbies, but at the end of the day, I just want to be around her or talking to her. Even through all this, I've developed my smoking habit. Not to worry, I don't smoke obsessively and never alone. Maybe a few times a week and always with a friend, or 9. It's nice, I enjoy doing it. Sometimes I feel guilty that I gave into my own designs that night and think that I could still be happy if it wasn't for my own selfishness.

Sigh. What to do, what to do. I leave for Orlando for the summer in a week and if she's still not talking to me by then, ugh. I don't want to think about it. I bought her a parting gift, and it's probably the best gift she could receive right now, but I have doubts about its effectiveness. Either way, I can just hope. I've bought her other things because I'm just used to doing so and left them to her in cute ways and she's told me thanks.

We're both going to South Korea to study abroad in August. Our universities are literally across the street from one another (Yonsei University and Ewha Woman's University). I talked to her about the proverbial "reset" of me and her once over there. She says we should start over as friends, and I'm fine with that, but I'm worried she'll find someone else in the meantime. She told me not to worry about it much since she doubts she'll find someone simply because she's leaving to Korea for 10 months and a relationship just isn't a smart idea.

GC, I just like to type out my story. I don't care what responses you have as long as it isn't, "get over her!" I've heard that one plenty of times, trust me, and I'm working on it. But really, my end goal right now is just to get her to talk to me again and try to work out some of the hate between me and her.

TLDR; FML.

 

But I'm seriously introverted! I enjoy parties...with friends. I don't like going out to clubs or random people's parties. I still don't really drink.

I'm getting over this. I was just ranting as it's still on my mind A LOT. Especially today. I've been fine for the last 4 or 5 days but today it just hit me. Idk why. Just one of those days.

Well, unless it's her, I will never date someone who is not OK with smoking. Period. In fact, they should smoke, in my eyes. Just to make sure we're on the same level.

OH YEAH -- I had my green stolen yesterday! I only had enough for like 2 fucking bowls and it was supposed to last until Monday which is FINE but now I'm all down and wanna smoke like crazy but I got nothing. Damn!