Jim Norton's Jokes That Never Made It

Was browsing around lil' Jimmy Norton's website, www.eatabullet.com and found this gem:

JOKES THAT NEVER MADE IT
Most of these jokes never made my act and you will soon understand why.
I have put this up exactly as I found it in my computer.



I love the summer in New York. There's just something about a woman in a sundress that makes you want to chase her down the street with a butcher knife screaming, "WHORE!"

I love dating a girl in AA, because all you have to do is give her a drink and then fuck her while she cries.

One time I farted at a girl's house. I wanted to blame it on the dog, but she didn't have one; so I blamed it on the fish. She looked at me and said, "Fish don't fart." I replied, " How do you know, you stupid cunt?" We laughed for an hour over that one, then we sixty-nined. While we were sixty-nining, she farted. I said, "That darn fish again!" She said, "The joke's over, scumbag", and bit my balls.

When I was five, I wanted to be the President. When I was seven, I no longer cared about being the President, I just wanted my neighbor to stop raping me with foreign objects. It's amazing how your goals can change because of one cheerleading baton.

I was on a date with a girl. I was pretty nervous, so I kept licking my lips and blinking rapidly. She asked what I wanted to do, so I suggested we both go to the bathroom and see whose shits are bigger.

My friend set me up on a blind date with a black girl named Chocolate. I figured with a name like Chocolate, she's either a hooker or a diabetic. Turns out she was both. It cost me $200 for a handjob and a shot of insulin.

I was watching the Knick game in a bar, and the score was two-nothing. This guy walks in, and asks me the score, so I tell him, " It's two-nothing" Then he asks me, "What quarter?" "Overtime. They just won. It was the most amazing four quarters of scoreless basketball I've ever seen. Christopher Reeve missed 82 free throws. And Bob Dole missed 50."

People always feel bad for celebrities when they have a crisis. I don't. I smile sometimes just thinking about Leonardo DiCaprio recovering in a burn unit. Keanu Reeves is another one. I'd love to see him killed by a falling septic tank.

I love when politically correct people accidentally drink AIDS at a picnic. I made a remark about a girl, and this guy said, "It's not right to objectize people." Looking at a woman is not objectizing her. If I'm jerking off thinking about her severed head in a fishbowl, that's objectizing. Not to mention sexy.

Bob Dole is the spokesman for Viagra. He takes it for his arm. Is there anything on this guy that works? I'm surprised he can stand up, he's like a jellyfish. If he were a super hero his name would be 'Cartilage Man'. "Look, up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a stroke victim, it's Cartilage Man." Able to field any ball hit to his left, but terrible at throwing out runners.

I had a little girlfriend in fourth grade, and I'd never kissed her. We had anal sex, but she wouldn't kiss me, she was saving that for marriage. I didn't know how to move in for the first kiss. Even as an adult moving in for a kiss is awkward, you know, because of the screams of, "Rape!" and the chloroform. I asked my dad what to do, and he told me to ask if I could smell her breath. Even as a fourth grader, I knew this man was retarted. "Can I smell your breath?" It sounds like something you say to a girl before you choke her to death with a phone cord.

When did Hillary Clinton become the spokesperson for feminism? What has she done to strengthen women in this country? All she did was stay with a guy who fucked everybody else for 20 years. "I'm gonna go fuck Gennifer Flowers." "Okay, honey, I'll just stay here and clean." If any of you women had a friend like that you'd say, " Will you leave him already, you dopey bitch!" Click.

I'm for sexual harassment laws. A woman should be able to go to work without some slob rubbing his erection on her. I'm going to stop doing that. It wasn't my fault, though, she was asking for it, bending over like that to tie her shoe.

I hate men?s room attendants. They just lurk by the toilet and wait for you to finish so they can turn on the water for you. Then you have to tip them. Thanks for turning on the water; here?s a buck. And if you don?t want to tip them, you have to just run out of the bathroom without washing your hands. ?I?m not cheap or anything, I never wash my hands in here.? You try not to make eye contact. I resent that. I now have to walk around with a diharretic evacuation on my fingers because this jerk off didn?t graduate high school.

I saw my girlfriend fooling around with another guy. I almost fell off the ladder jerking off.

I hate my head. I want to learn karate just so I can kick myself in the face.

Everyone knows how awful my ex-girlfriend is. If I want to send her a letter, all I have to do is write ?Cunt? on the envelope and drop it in the mailbox.

Men never get their emotions out properly, that?s why we snap. If you break up with a woman, for the first week, she cries, ?Oh, my God, I can?t believe he?s gone. I love him so much.? After a week, it?s out, they?re like, ?Ahh, who cares, he had a small dick anyway.? Men stuff their emotions. The first week of a breakup we walk around, ?Who gives a shit about her? She was a pain in the ass.? After a week we show up at their job with a pistol, ?Whore!? and kill them.

The only two times a man is allowed to cry is when his team wins a championship or if he gets his scrotum caught in a weed wacker.

If a man wants to cry watching a sad movie, he makes an obnoxious remark to push the emotion away. There?s a woman dying on screen, you want to cry, but instead, ?She has nice tits, don?t she??

I don?t know what?s worse; that I dreamed about putting my ex-girlfriend in a woodchipper, or that I woke up with an erection.

If you?re going to stalk a woman, trust me; pick one who lives on the first floor. It?s very hard to be discreet when you?re sneaking around with chloroform and a ladder.

My father caught me and my sister smoking cigarettes together. He got so mad he dragged us out of bed.

The guy who shot all of those Jewish people in California; Buford Furrow. Was I the only one not surprised his name was Buford Furrow? How do you name a child that and expect him to succeed in life? ? Someday, my boy?s gonna be president.? ?Really? What?s his name?? ?Buford.? ?No he?s not. Someday, your boy?s gonna fuck a relative.?

The cops shot a naked, hammer-wielding man named Gideon Basch.I was glad they shot him; that?s one less naked, hammer-wielding man I have to deal with.

The Jews were rioting, which was scary. They broke into a bunch of stores and marked down prices.

People keep saying, ?He was mentally disturbed.? Yeah? Well, praise God, he?s been cured.

The cops should?ve shot him. If you are ever naked and holding a hammer at the same time, unless you?re a carpenter in a nudist colony, you deserve to be shot.

Critics say they should have shot him in the leg. That?s nice; now you have a naked mental patient with a hammer and a limp.

They could?ve arrested him, after all, it was Brooklyn. It?s very rare a suspect is brought in naked and conveniently carrying something you can shove up his ass.

Think about it; Gideon Basch with a hammer, Abner Louima with a broom. You?re only one guy away from an episode of ?This Old House.?

You ever been on a plane that is late? You just want to walk up to the pilot and say, ? Excuse me, could you beep at the plane in front of us??

I never sleep on planes, my friend always does. I?m like a caged rat and he?s snoring away. I hope he?s dreaming of being teabagged by the Lakers.

Airline employees are lying scumbags. Try getting bumped up to first class. They always lie. I had a coupon for an upgrade. You ever try to get bumped up using a coupon? You have a better chance if you walk up to the lady with a pap smear, ? Here, smell this.?

That?s the only comforting thing about plane crashes. I hate to see innocent people die, but at least a few airline employees are going down, too.

I was having sex. The girl was on top of me, and I wasn?t wearing a rubber. I was going to come, so I said, ?Hurry up and get off me, bitch!? When a girl jumps off, you have to give a couple of pulls yourself; otherwise it?s just going to dribble out of your dick like a stroke victim. So I?m coming, and it?s one of those obscene orgasms; shooting behind my head, it looked like civil rights footage. She wouldn?t even look at it, ?Are you done yet?? Wow, that?s sexy. Next time I?m coming why don?t you just tell me you have to take a dump.

I am pathetic; 2 of Nostradumus? quatrains revolve around me not getting laid.

There?s no racism at a craps table, and nobody laughs at you. You could put the dice in your ass, drop them on the table, and as long as you?re winning, no one cares.

In LA, you can?t smoke in the casinos. You light a cigarette, ?Ooh, put that out, you?re a bad person.? ?Is it okay if I gamble away my kid?s tuition money?? ?Sure, come on in.?

?Rage against the machine?- the Machine is the government-they have rage against the government! I get it, they see what?s going on, and dammit they?re angry! What are they gonna do next, trash a hotel room or something?

?Marilyn Manson?- I like the music, it?s him, her, it that I like. He?s a transvestite, but he?s dark and scary. I think Kiss covered that in the 70?s.

I love Ozzy Osbourne; he?s a real rock-n-roller. All Ozzy needs to be happy is a 5th of whiskey and a small mammal to stick in his mouth.

I hate racism, and I don?t think there would be any in this country if it weren?t for the Jews.

I never judge a person on the color of their skin; I judge them by how fat they are.

Could the networks stop having fat guys dance to promo their shows? It?s never funny. The only time a person dancing is funny is if they?re doing it in front of an open coffin, or if they?re in a wheelchair.

I bought a computer recently. I figured I could use it to write material and read newspapers from all over the country. You know what I do on it? Play chess and Scrabble all day. I could?ve saved $2,800 if I just had a friend. Then I could have divvied up all that money into hundreds and gotten 28 hookers.

I heard and ad on the radio for Tourette?s Syndrome treatment. The phone number was 212-83fuck-shit35cunt.

If Tourette?s ticks are totally involuntary, how come they never say anything nice? ?Oh Fiddlesticks! You look like you lost weight! I love you!?

I want to grab Bob Dole by his bad arm and swing him through a bay window, just to hear him complain on the way out, ?Bob Dole doesn?t like it when you swing Bob Dole?.

This year for Halloween I dressed up like a failed comic. Everybody recognized me.

You ever have one of those really embarrassing moments in life? Your roommate comes in, and catches you wearing his athletic supporter over your face. And not only are you wearing it, you?re going (Sniff deeply).

I?m starting to think my roommate is gay because he doesn?t hit me anymore when I grab his ass.

There? a big difference between saying, ?God and Thank God?. During sex, God is acceptable, ?Oh, God, oh, God?, but it would really kill the mood if you said, ?Oh, I?m going to come now thank God?.

You ever notice how much a loaf of bread feels like soft tender skin? Not that I noticed it on a Friday night after drinking and getting stood up again. I could never do that. A Keiser roll maybe. Notice I said Keiser roll, not Keiser, that would make me a German queer. And a hot dog roll almost looks as if it was built for that sort of thing. You hold it in your hand, ?By golly, this thing was built for pleasure.? You can almost hear the it talking to you, ?Go, no-one?s looking. I dare you to do it.? How much of that teasing can one man take? And when I see a Cornish Game Hen with its little legs tied up in the air, it?s open season.

I liked Montreal, it was nice to be sexually rejected in 2 languages. It doesn?t sound so bad in French, ?Non?. Lot nicer than, ?Uh, I don?t think so.?

Montreal holds a special place in my heart, it?s where my father did his tour of duty during the Viet Nam War. He was a brave man; defending Canada from all those French invaders.

In NY, you just act like you fit in to get over. That?s hard to do in Montreal, every time I was at a counter, ?Parlaise Francais?? ?Huh??

I got in trouble at the border. I didn?t want to say I was working or I?d have to pay taxes. I was supposed to say, ?I?m going to visit a friend?, but I got nervous and it came out like, ?I?m smuggling heroin in my anus?. He took me inside and strip -searched me, thank God. Most people don?t like cavity searches, I love them. While he was back there probing around I would look at him and say, ?Ha! You?re not even close! You?ll never find it!?

I don?t like modern art, I like Norman Rockwell. His pictures look like what they are. If you paint something, and people have to stand in front of it for 2 hours, ?What is it?? ?I don?t know?, you?re a shitty painter. I hate Picasso. It?s a head, with an ear on the front, and a thing hanging off it, I can?t tell if it?s a bowl of fruit or a burn victim.

I?m in charge of a new charity called ?Ski Masks for Burn Victims?.

When I was a kid, my father used to call me, ?Egghead?. It had nothing to do with the shape, I just liked hens to sit on my face.