It's proven, it is a curse

really? well just my opinion which might be totally wrong.

that girl that rejected me I swear liked me. she would always come around me and smile at me and blush and i'd always catch her looking at me.

then after a few months she stopped and started avoiding and ignoring me and when I asked her out months later she gave me her number but never picked up.

I guess you are right, but if you wait too long she might get a boyfriend and forget you but that is different that being put in the friend zone.

I know there was this other girl looking back now I know she was interested in me.

she knew I liked her and she started avoiding and ignoring me at work (after her friends asked me if I liked her) and she was 21 (so not a kid lol).

but anyways I never asked her out in the one year I worked with her and after she quit her friends would keep on coming to my work and telling me where she now works and asking me if I had contacted her.

so I assume she liked me but I never did anything cus I was a big pussy and now she has a boyfriend.

 

actually now that I think about it I still think its possible to do things to be placed in the friend zone if the girl initially likes you.

you know how crushes don't last forever. a girl might have a crush on you but a few months later that might change.

or you might do things that will make her not want to date you anymore, like acting really needy or desperate.

 

OP, you *really* sound like the "nice guy" in this post. You should really rethink your whole approach.
Belle de Jour: 03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
Edit: you should all read this if you have the time. It's pretty insightful, at some points at least.

 

Only do nice things on your own terms.
Call me out on this, but I hardly ever dish out favours unless I'm getting something in return. If people can, they will use you. In fact this manipulative behaviour is often built into the sub-conscious of the majority of people.
I do believe it actually boils down to you wanting to always solve other people's problems. The fact is that everyone has problems and insecurities. You believe it's only the girls whom you search deep into that have said problems, hence the feeling of being cursed. If you went deep into everyone, you'd find they're all so similar. This is because of the same society they've grown up in, and the same media that has soaked in. Beliefs are essentially the denial or acceptance of the components that compose of that underlayer that many share. And that is supposed to be what sets us apart. It kind of mindfucks you when you think about how similar we all are. But that's something else all together...
My point was not to get so tied up with people. Rather worry about yourself and let them hop on for the ride only if they wish.
I'm still not sure how to help you. You've written alot but it just feels like it's a tad vague, and I'm not quite getting the main point you're trying to convey. Perhaps you can try clear it up for me?
weedandbombs:
Alot of people don't pay attention because they disagree.

 

dont be a total push over,
never cute.
be a lil agressive, like, show that theres substance behind u.
cuz if ur stuck in friend zone, thats kinda urfault.
srry but.
if you want her, show her u (want) her, if she dont take the offer, her lose, move on.
wasted time in the friend zone.
4 years?!
im sure ur a nice guy =]

 

Alright, let's see what's happening here.
You'd be in a relationship with a chick. You're a good friend to her, you generally help her with things. You want her to reciprocate the interest you have for her life. You try make her realize your want or need for something that she controls, be it her interest or understanding or whatever. She doesn't understand or backs down. She generates drama about it, you try help or solve it for her again. She backs down even more this time. She feels like she's the one that has to take control.
You ask for fulfillment of some sort and she just talks some drama about herself. You try and 'Make' her understand you or something related to you by trying your best to help her out with anything she asks for. Basically, you GIVE her what YOU want from her, hoping she'll reciprocate it.
I wrote that out just to clarify.
My opinion:
You're pretty stuck, at least from what I can gather. If you stop giving her what she wants she'll say you've changed and probably stop talking to you. If you carry on like you are, she'll run away eventually, causing you alot of pain in the process. However, I am almost certain it's your behaviour that allowed them to act like that, as opposed to something being wrong with the girl. The girl could be quite selfish, but your behaviour would actually bring it out alot more than it should be.
My opinion is based solely on my own experience and what I can gather from your text. There's alot of complications I don't know of, that you do. So I suggest just rolling a spliff and reading my initial interpretation and figure out for yourself what change is to be made from there. Even if it's off, re-assess your own approach to future relationships. Remember that oftentimes people only do what you've allowed them to.

 

Smokee I know exactly where you are at man, Im about the same havent been with a chick in 3 years and have NO IDEA WHY. Not to sound like im full of myself but I think im a decent guy nice to people,funny,good job, but no girl for me. Im at the point where I just say fuck it and get high. Sounds like a decent life to me!

 

That is probably the best description of the friendzone dynamic I've ever heard.

I don't believe the friendzone is immutable. Why would it be? Human emotions and opinions are very flexible, always changing, and even further, some of us are stubborn but others change their minds every 20 minutes. The role one pictures for another person can change just as easily as anything else when the circumstances are right.

 

The friend zone is some made up place. It doesn't exist. The only reason I can say your honestly stuck in such a place is because you choose to be there. It's all about how you come off, where do you stand. I would assume the only reason why these girls peg you in the friend zone is because you let them. My best advice would be to do the opposite of what you have been doing. I'm not saying if you've been a nice guy, be a dick--no! I'm saying that even you can see what gets you trapped in the "Friend" zone. So what ever that might be, stop doing.

 

Agreed....

Amazing. Even when I'm high, I can still pick out agreeable comments.

 

Good job smokebear. I am happy to hear this. I was worried about u....

 

the truth has been spoken

 

Yummybud, thank you for sharing. Great story and perfect example to share point of views off of.

AND, you already figured it out.

Women are attracted to men for conscious AND subconscious reasons. They are little attraction triggers that they can't always even explain. One of the reasons attractive women may date average guys. THAT guy has attractive "qualities" not specifically good looks.

So these girls found you attractive and you tripped the first couple of attraction triggers but you broke them all by not responding to them appropriately. This is a HUGE turn off, almost a slap in the face especially if they were making it obvious.

It's a turn off to be embarrassed or shy of a woman's advances. A MAN would seize the opportunity, where as a man lacking confidence and self esteem will shy away. There is NOTHING attractive about a guy that shy's away.

Confidence is the number one attractive quality in a man. IT shows you have 'balls' and the opposite sex likes balls.

Kind of goes back to the original poster about being in the friend zone. Even after dating for a while? Well this can happen when they were initially attracted for certain reasons then realized that those traits were not strong enough or crumbled early on in the relationship.

Bad part for you is they will never tell you what you did........ They don't always even know, (going back to the subconscious attractions)

Some guys get too caught up in not trusting and questioning their girlfriends, no longer an attractive quality........... (lack of confidence, huge insecurities)

Or, seem like 'the tough guy' at first but deep into the relationship he is always 'concerned' about everything, calls her 5 times per day and always, always wants to be with her. (this is the doting syndrome, putting the woman into the 1st position in a relationship and woman feel most comfortable in the 2nd position)

A woman likes to be with a confident man. A leader among men, the alpha male. The hunter that brings back the bacon, the one other men want to be around and emulate. This is where sayings like "A catch" come from.

"A catch" wouldn't dote on his his mate and take her to Julia Roberts movies and cry with her in the theater. lol He would tell her, "Sorry babe, I don't think I could sit through that mush. Take one of your girlfriends".

And this is where another guy 'would' go to the movies and why he is in the friend zone...............


Thanks for reading