idk what to do

Discussion in 'General' started by shit strain, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. holy shit, i love the anonymity of posting online...
    just need to vent...

    i smoke daily, usually about 3-4 times, sometimes upwards of 6-7. i dont do big amounts, usually like a bowl pack of my mini bong. im the quiet, keep to myself kind of person. very social, but i just dont talk alot. i HATE talking about myself and i REFUSE to talk about things like feelings and stuff like that...

    since i was (about) 12 yrs old i've been depressed, and overtime its just gotten worse. since then, ive tried to kill myself 3 times. now adays, even when i sink as low as those 3 occasions, i dont try to kill myself. i just dont let myself do it.

    since 12 my grades started to drop. petty much flunked high school. i started smoking when i was 12~13 not really to compensate for the depression, recreationaly i guess. when i was 14, i discovered my first unmentionable. and i quickly began abusing it to help relieve the depression.

    of course, as we all know, unmentionables only make things worse... but at the time, i just needed it to be better, even if it was worse... by the time i was 16 i was hooked. there were a few times when i took just too many of the unmentionables at school and it started getting really bad. so i gave them up... that shit took so much out of me... it physicaly and mentally destroyed me.

    since then there have been periods of time where i smoke constantly and times when i do it once in a while. but theres been one thing in common between the two situations, ive always been happier smoking. so i smoke now as a sort of anti depressant, and to relieve the fact that no matter what i just want some of the unmentionables...

    now my mom is at the end of her rope (not enough money to move out) because she found the slid to my mini bong. she does not approve, does not like it, but i NEED it. but like i said earlier, i cant talk about myself, i cant talk about how i feel or the problems that i have. i project an aura of happiness as best i can all the time, so she doesnt realize that every where i go, i carry a 100 lb weight on my back, she doesnt know that i walk a tightrope that i could fall of anytime. and she doesnt know that weed is the thing that lifts the weight and widens my path..... i want to tell her so fucking bad, but i know im not strong enough to do it in person.... and as bad as i want to tell her, i dont. idk if i could look her in the eyes and wonder what shes thinking of me, if she pitys me, if she blames herself, etc. but i need something to change, to be ok, so i can be ok....

    ive been carrying this in my head for a while now and i needed to get it out somehow...
     
  2. You can't expect people to understand if you won't open up.
     
  3. You need to stop doing all drugs and talk to some professionals
     
  4. im gonna write a letter. leave it somewhere she will find it in the morning before she leaves to work. she leaves before i wake up. but im not coming home after
     

  5. watcha mean not goin home after?
     

  6. just gonna find somewhere else to stay. crash on some couches.
     
  7. Seek some help with at psychologist and enroll in rehabilitation. Than repair things with your mom and stay clean from the hard shit
     
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