...So, we've been dating 1.5 years. He's an organic stoner-the organic part because of me, the stoner, well, he did that all on his own. When we met he had been using all kinds of chemicals on his plants, growing them in plastic and chasing gnats. I worked with cancer patients and had been pulling away from processed foods for several years. He moved in and we delved into a life together that was difficult and new. We have been trying to learn how to have a healthy relationship together while we chase our minds' hunger for knowledge. He's changed my life, changed my thinking about mj and many other things. He's helped me take a look at the pain I've experienced in my life and see it as just that, not my identity. I love him unconditionally. I support and encourage his learning, his thinking, his progress and I'm here for him when he needs me most. I'm not perfect-far from it, but I am a giving person and I have experienced relationships with men who don't know how to give. He's not one of those. He's the most genuine, brilliant, talented man I've ever loved to the depths of the ocean. He knows what I need when I'm down and out. He encourages and supports my work. He teaches me about plants, biology, growing, food, and life in ways I've never imagined. He fucks me so good and grills delicious salmon. To me life is so good with him. What's the problem, you wonder? There are many, he says, and I know he's right. We both have a lot of anxiety, and I certainly have my own issues, but he won't open up to love. We've both seen our dysfunctional families screw up. We've both been hurt in other relationships. We have a hard time connecting with others, but we have each other and we connect with each other when he is open to it. He's been out of work most of the time I've known him and he's depressed beyond belief. Men need work, achievement, someone with power telling them how valuable they are. He's taking his disappointments in life out on me. I am here for him and I want to be with him. He's looking for an out because it's easier to do that than it is to work on this. I know I have to let him go if that's what he wants, but it's not what I want. I'm wishing that the GC gods would give him more hope, not just for the toking. -Siriti
Imo, your best bet would probably just be to break up with him. I don't mean to sound cruel but pairs of "damaged ones" never work. You'll eventually become codependent on one another and shit'll just get ugly from there.
Who do the "damaged ones" go with? Um, everyone has pain; It comes in XS, S, M, L, XL, XXL and other sizes when it's called upon. Most everyone is codependent unless you're a recluse planning/in fear of bombings from the forest. I guess I'm fighting your comment because every one that I know who has a really strong and healthier relationship was damaged somewhere in life even though everyone I know who has a really awful relationship was damaged somewhere in life. It's awareness of it that changes the equation. We're aware, I think we have a hard time implementing sometimes, but not all the time or we wouldn't be together still.
Maybe suggest some counseling. If he's up for it you know he wants to at least attempt to make it work.
When I used the term "damaged ones" I wasn't referring to everyone who's experienced negative circumstances, I was referring to the people who take victim mentalities because of the negative circumstances they've experienced. And from the op, it sounds like you both have that problem.
Maybe just give him his break, but actually take a break from seeing him... Let him be him. Then I believe if you truly love each other the time will come where you come together again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, best of luck
Because most of us have experienced all of these things at one time or another but didn't allow them to have a significantly negative, lasting effect on our behavior.
Thanks, BF, but I don't believe in 'let it go and it will come back to you'/FATE-based relationships. First, it's just a wonderful way to tell someone to let it go and if that's what you're suggesting I may have to regardless. Regardless, we choose what we invest ourselves in and so if I let it go, I'm letting it go. That's how I roll. No going backward.
I find that hard to believe. Negative lasting effects are all around us. Most people in this country hate their jobs, spend money they don't have, eat garbage, fail to shit regularly or properly (squatting) and don't have sex/activity that keeps prostate and colon healthy. How many millions take medication for depression or at least talk about feeling that way? And, most people never talk about the depth of their relationships with anyone, especially not their personal contributions to the dynamics. So I think you're response is based on best-case-scenario dynamics which are reported not actually lived.
I've offered to, but he never even wants to talk about it. Today I felt like applying for some jobs for him.
It sounds like he has motivation to learn, but not work. Have you tried to get him to look at work as an opportunity to learn a complete new skill set? Try and get a job he's not had before, so he will be able to learn. If that's not it, then you need to find what motivates him. Making money obviously isn't his priority, so you need to find out what is, and somehow work that into something that can sustain a living - whether money, food, luxuries; something. Also, has he said being out of work is what is making him depressed? Has he admitted to his depression? If not, in what ways have you interpreted it?
I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's sounding like a loser if he doesn't even work. He needs to know that he is in control of his own life, and by that he is also in control of shaping it overtime to what he wants, so he has the total control to making himself happy. He just has to apply himself. I really don't know much to say about this, I usually have a thousand thoughts but just because he's running himself down (which over time will just turn into even worse depression) doesn't mean he can take you with him. He needs to do something, there's more to life then weed and growing. He's really not that great of a guy or much of a man if he doesn't do anything with his time and life.
But just because he says no doesn't mean he doesn't want to make it work. I would never do any form of counseling, I like to keep to my self.
He sounds like a good man to me. Life isn't about working and making a name for yourself. He may be depressed because he believes so and doesn't know how to do so, maybe why he doesn't want to, and feels like less of a man because of that. But the only thing making him lesser is his feeling of being lesser.
never said if he didn't it wouldn't work....just if he says yes then she will know for damn sure he's at least trying