edit; this is gonna be a TL;DR for a majority of browsers... so don't feel back for quickly hitting the back button, my problems are not yours. I constantly find myself making a call with $40 ready in my pocket, time to get an eighth. This is what makes me happy, the fact that I know I am about to get it. I'm already high. By the time I make the short ride back down the hill to my house I'm already forgetting the fact that I do this too often to know any real joy from it. It's only anticipation for the moments to come. Thirty minutes ago I was sitting, regretting my thoughts from the night before. Regretting thinking them. When I thought them I thought them with the intent to make myself feel guilty, to try and break this endless cycle- this feeling of Samsara. But now, it's just making what I am inevitably about to do worse. What did I do? I thought about addiction, thought about how much money it costs me, thought about how much further I could ride my bike if I wasn't spitting up black shit, and thought about how this isn't really happiness that I experience, it's just a form of intoxication, just a crutch to get me by. It might not be a literal poison, but the truth is it is one nonetheless. It makes things numb, it takes the pain away. Truly this might be good at times, but in all honesty every human (who doesn't actually need it for valid medical reasons) should be able to get by without the little perks in life. This is one of them, and it's a costly one, and in the end it never benefits me. Sometimes I think of all the adventures, all the people, and all the experiences it has led me to and because of these thoughts I will often enough trick myself into believing that it makes it all worth it, but in the end I know that if I had lived my life without it that it would be equally good, if not better- because I would have still met great people and could still have just as good adventures- however they'd all be different; for one reason, weed wouldn't be the cohesive element. No, getting together and socializing for pure excitement would be our glue. Honestly it sounds better that way. When hanging out with friends comes down to talking about bongs, swapping stories of how 'I was so high back when..' I question what our conversation has been stripped to. It seems like mundane small-talk about drugs has just become insulting- as if mundane talk about anything else not involving a crutch would be better. When going on an adventure only occurs because someone brought the beer and we've got enough weed to go around I wonder how much of an adventure it is and think about how we're just going to sit on some mountain-top to get fucked up. It seems like I should enjoy the walk along the creek and the narrow trail through the oak grove should be enjoyed without weed. It seems like everything is great the way it is, yet somehow I've managed to get my life so wrapped. It seems like it has become a part of to many hobbies to the point where it seems like the actual hobby is now more about doing something interesting high. If I discuss it with friends I often find that the answer is that 'everyone has something' and I know it's true, however I have a hard time excepting it. Why except it? Why not make things better? But then I realize, hey- if I was numbing my body down I know my OCD would come back, as well as the heaps of anxiety that keep me up at night- picking at every little thought. Then justifications come along. Yes, weed does medicinally benefit me to a degree- without it I'd be on Abilify and Lexapro. So what is better? And ultimately I decide that the abilify and lexapro made me angry and failed my cognitive skills to an even stronger level than my weed did. Also, the anxiety always remained with the pills- it was just turned down. With weed it is on mute. So now it seems like the only thing I would have to do is practice temperance between over-using and medicating the proper amount. However I soon realize that with weed there is no drug-misuse and that there is simply a drug-abuse. I've tried temperance, shit lasts a few weeks before it's back to a regular eighth to get me through a couple of days. It seems like it's a $10, maybe $15 a day thing. Then I think to myself, well- I don't spend money on gas, my lunches are cheap, and truly weed doesn't negatively effect my budget... but still- I could save it--- or maybe something. Well, I honestly doubt anyone read to this point. But I think that now I will go smoke my last bowl from hopefully the last eighth I buy. I know you aren't supposed to have the 'just one last time' kind of a mentality, but I hope having no more will make me smoke no more. It is sad though, it seems like an impossible idea to build friends with people who do not smoke. It seems like every has a different aspect on life, but it seems with stoners there is generally a hightenned amount of those with a larger outlook on the philosophically points. Hmm, even now I have to say I truly question how long sobriety will last. Last time I lasted 2 months, the time prior to that 11 months. We'll see, I feel like the coil that I've wrapped myself into seems to strong to break... but truly we can get ourselves out of every mental situation some how. sadly I can no longer smoke a bowl numb the thoughts of this kind... as that is all I want to avoid. peace
I read all of it. I believe in moderation, I believe pots an enhancer and can make things that bit more special. But smoking it all day every day, fucks things up, people say it doesn't but I think we all know deep down it does.
I read all of that. Man your letting the herb be too much a part of your life, especially if your entire social life is centered around it. I like smoking cannabis, I use it the majority of the time alone, at night to relax. I have a couple friends who smoke, but the people i spend most of my time with don't smoke and we don't talk about it. Cannabis should just accentuate your life. To me it sounds like you need a break, then if you decide to you can come back with a fresh perspective on life and cannabis. Mainly though you need to work on balancing your life. Moderation is key.
Take it easy on the herb man, every toker goes through a period of time in which they have these thoughts. I'm smoking at an all time low at this point and it's great.
Yeah, I think it really hit me when it started being a daily thing. Moderation is good, but it seems like day by day my standards were slowly slipping. with each high, it dwindled a little. Because think about it, what is moderation? with weed, it seems like moderation is the idea of not being high- reconnecting to life the way it was before weed. well, when you get high again you become more tied to the feeling. you like it more and more each time, and mentally your standards began to slip a little... little by little- because with each high you think, hey- this isn't so bad, i think i like this! and you give yourself more room moderation, it works for.... well, i honestly can't say i know anyone well, I don't know you in real life- so I cannot say that entirely. Thanks for reading though, dude
I don't mean to say that everything is consumed by it, simply that it felt like too much of it was consumed by it. and when your feelings tell you something... then you know it is. but yeah, i understand what you're getting at. thanks to everyone who does read the entire thing, i appreciate it a lot and i appreciate the feedback/responses. i honestly don't know what responding to all of your posts will do so i'll probably just be reading--- but yeah thanks. i hope to step back for a while and get things together from there.
I read it bro. I feel like that sometimes. It's always good to take a break(whether temporary or permanent) to clear your head. I used to smoke a lot to the point where it consumed my life. I just decided one day to completely stop and did so for a few months. Now I don't think about it very much at all, I bought a gram a week ago and probably have 0.6 left. When I stopped before I had to have no weed on me because if I did I would be too tempted to smoke it. But now I can have it around all the time and not have any desire to smoke it. You need a distraction. I've been really focused on school and playing basketball for the last few months and that's helped me out a lot. Don't know what to say about the friends though. Many of my friends are like that, we have really shallow conversations and I just don't feel a connection to them anymore. The herb can be a great thing when your head is in the right place.
you know what moderation takes mate? some fucking balls, so you don't let yourself 'slip'. You do what you have to do to keep shit under control. If you, or anyone can't do that then stay away from drugs.
Maybe your just letting your life revolve around it man. If you let your life revolve only around money and not experiences or people, you would get the same feeling, low and depressed. Is there something that happened recently that lead you to this conclusion? Also, maybe its the company you keep, meet new people man, get out there and live, and don't let the hunger for Mary Jane to consume you.
i read the whole thing and i kinda feel the same way as you like all my friends ever do is blaze if were not blazing then were not chillin pretty much and it seems so hard to make friends with people who dont blaze basically because i dont fucking like them. but at the same time its not like its bad for you so why stop. and yo what the fuck are you smoking that makes you cough up black shit?
truth I honestly don't feel like my life revolves around it. I'm doing well in school, have a girlfriend, ride my bike frequently, and am (other than my lungs) in the best (physical) health of my life. It just seems like it has become a growing part of it. But yeah, I understand what you're getting at. I realized it a couple months back. I was thinking about how I 'use to be' and recognized that although we changed, this seemed like a negative one. one where i was lowering my standards. guess i've been smoking longer, maybe. after a couple of years the plant matter and tar builds up in your lungs. gotta go somewhere. we dont' all own vaporizers.
Its you, not the grass. I've had moments where I felt like that. I was lost and still figuring myself out. Just seems you don't know your place yet and probably feel you should be concetrating on a real goal or working towards something positive. Take a break and reflect on yourself and try to figure out what you want in life. Once you figure that out I bet you'll feel better and see that herb actually made you realize u wernt doin crap and that's why ur not feelin good. Get ur head straight first homie
i read it bro, don't fret, at least you admit and understand your situation. more than most people with "bad" habits can say. but hey it's not healthy, but it's not crack. worst case scenario if you break your sobriety stint, you're gonna get stoned. i can think of worse things in life to happen
Sorry to say this bro but it sounds like u suffer from depression. U need to slow right down or even quit, this could effect your life big time. Goodluck bro. Keep your head up look for a new inspiration.
I read it all bro. I used to feel like that so I quit for 2 years. Know what - I was miserable. I need to be medicated, period.
thanks, I know that I'll probably smoke again in the future; however i feel that right now i'm just going to stop.
Your 100% right man. A lot of the people I know smoke weed every hour of every day and it has completely destroyed their perspective and ability to think about life outside of their self contained 'weed bubble'. Every activity in their lives has to revolve around bud. Its gotten to the point where if you don't have weed they don't want to hang with you. They judge the value of my friendship no longer by the caliber of person I am but by the quantity of marijuana or alcohol I happen to have in my possession at any one time. Say what you want about the physical effects of bud but I used to have very strong relationships with these people before we all started smoking. And now these same people who used to be loyal are shallow, opportunistic and manipulative. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it isn't the weed that I'm tired of but its the effect weed has had on the people I know. Basically I want friends that would chill with me even if I didn't have bud or didn't feel like smoking.