How to seem mysterious.

Found this while google surfing.

When you are attracted to somebody, you must seem mysterious. If you do not seem mysterious and like a person of mystery at all times, they will automatically leave you to find other, better people they can’t seem to figure out. Mystery is intrigue, and it is always important to keep somebody intrigued or else they know the real you and that real you is hungover and bored. I’m sorry, I hope you don’t think I know what the fuck I’m taking about. I’m terrible at mystery. I give people my Social Security Number and a key I have made to my apartment on first meeting. My friends always tell me I don’t leave much to the imagination, but not in the slutty way but the ‘wanna hear a list I brought of the neurosis I have?’ kind of way. I’m working on it. To help you and me out, I’ve compiled a list of things that will make you seem mysterious to people you want to boner and will automatically give you a heads up in trapping them:

1. Wear a cloak at all times. This one is the obvious one because if you wear a cloak people will be like ‘omg is she a vampire or a magician or an old timey thief? Like, what does she even DO?’ and you can sweetly smile at them and punch them in the face.


2. Answer every question anybody asks you ‘I could tell you but then I have to kill you.’ Especially useful if the waiter asks if you want to hear the soup special or if your date asks you if you had a good time.


3. Show up to places with a little bit of blood splatter on your clothing or face. Clean off a knife or gun in the middle of a coffee shop or bar you are hanging out with somebody in.


4. Never tell anybody your name. Actually, that’s not right. When you first meet somebody, tell them your name is Kathy. Then show up at the next date with freshly-dyed jet black hair and tell them your name is Rebecca. Look around feverishly and ask your date if they’ve ever heard of the witness protection program. Or the mob.


5. Speak in air quotes whenever you say simple facts about yourself like “I was at the grocery store today” or if your hands are lazy like mine you can follow most sentences with “Or WAS I?” Cock your eyebrows for extra flair.


6. If you are going out to dinner with somebody you are attracted to, have the restaurant produce thunder and lightning effects whenever you maniacally laugh. Which, by the way, you should do often. If you can afford a fog machine, I suggest you keep one at your feet. Offer your date a steaming potion if it seems to be going well.


7. If you take him or her to your bedroom, make sure your walls are covered entirely in yellowed newspaper clippings about one uncatchable serial killer. Ask him if he would like you to put the lotion in the basket.


8. Show up an hour late to every date covered in rain but only if it’s not raining. Kiss him or her passionately, shoot a gun at a random car with tinted windows. Barrel roll down an entire block shooting your gun over and over again. Never go around a corner without peeking behind it first. If you have to shoot at a pedestrian to seem full of mystery, so be it. Shoot at the feet, please.

9. Text somebody something really cute like “waterboarding is harder than it looks LOL” or “15th murder today! XOXOX”


10. Have a friend of yours take blurry camera shots of you and your date entering and exiting places you have entered or exited. Put them, enlarged and in black and white, in a manila folder and show them to your date. Tell them somebody’s watching you guys. When they ask why, cry and scream and break stuff. “He’s AFTER ME!” is an appropriate thing to yell.


11. Never reveal your entire face. I wear a large brimmed hat and sunglasses out most of the time. Sometimes if I really like somebody, I wear a bandanna over my mouth.


12. Be Unpredictable. Set fire to the tablecloth. Trip a homeless person. Mail a large heavy package. Never let them think they know what you’ll do next.



13. Lie. Tell them you’re allergic to shellfish but order the shrimp salad. Tell them that you work through your allergies. Tell them you’re a cyborg. Ask them not to peel off your skin.


14. Never say a word. Stay completely quiet. Vow of silence. Refuse to speak. Works for Ariel, should work for you.


15. Make your room mysterious. Maybe have one part that’s totally feminine and fun, but the other part is dark and Gothic. People will be confused about whether

you’re feminine or goth. That is a real tip on being mysterious on Wikihow.

16. Use a shade lighter foundation that you usually do. Then add deep purple or reddish lipstick. You’ll have a bit of a gothic look but it’ll be sexy. So is that.

17. Apparently being goth is a thing, so if you find it possible to have the Phantom of The Opera theme music play whenever you enter a room and if you could possibly leave the room disappearing behind a gulf of flames that would help, too. Tell them that Labyrinth was based on your life. Say Beetlejuice three times and run out the room in panic.


18. Write constantly in a journal the entire time you hang out with somebody. When they ask you what you’re writing, tell them ‘memories’ and then ask if they can sketch you. If you know Shakespeare sonnets, now is the time to quote them. Use a quill. Stab your journal with a quill and have it leak ink blood like in Harry Potter.


19. If you can pull it off, allow one tear to fall down your face cinematically every hour on the hour. Brush it off, breathe, and keep calm carry on.


20. Disappear for years at a time. If you love something let it go..you know?

 

The name's Bond.... James Bond.