I'm in a tough spot... I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Ive been dating this guy for 4 years on and off, recently after having a weeks break we started off well. Better then ever before, but there's a problem. His family hates me.. Literally can't stand me. I'm partly at fault but at the same time he is as well. They posted a bunch of rude stuff on both of our facebook profiles, on their statuses, they basically made it very clear that they dont approve of me. So what I'm asking is this... Should I give a fuck or should I just keep being me? Will this ever get easier or am I just falling into a hole that has no escape. I've come to the point of not knowing. I don't even know if I want to talk to my bf about all this simply cause from experience there's not much he can/would do. I'd love to have him show affection when we're around them but sadly that can't happen as he has pretty bad anxiety so it doesn't help the fact that they think he's miserable with me cause well he looks miserable cause of his anxiety. Any inputs appreciated, whether it be advice or opinion or just personal experience.
Facebook, what a joke man. A place for snoopy people to keep in touch when they normally wouldn't. Seems like you may have relationship issues man, with the on and off. But you aren't dating his family man. Don't use them as an excuse, it's your life man. If you two can still be happy don't let it bother you man.
[quote name='"tokentuna"']Facebook, what a joke man. A place for snoopy people to keep in touch when they normally wouldn't. Seems like you may have relationship issues man, with the on and off. But you aren't dating his family man. Don't use them as an excuse, it's your life man. If you two can still be happy don't let it bother you man.[/quote] Yeah the Facebook was a big fuck up on there part. I have it cause I have family over seas and other then email which they don't check often, Facebook is our communication line. We've only taken breaks twice, I guess it can be considered off and on. I try so damn hard to not let it bother me but I just left his cousins wedding shower and felt like I was there solo.
I feel for you. If the parents don't like you after 4 years, they never will.. unless they dislike you because of something you did. Then there's a chance that you can duke it out with them and get it over with. But if you don't meet their expectations or some stupid bs like that, I can tell you from experience, nothing will change. That being said, it's all up to you.. is he worth the trouble your family gives you? Don't think about losing him; compare your life now with a hypothetical life that you could be living in without his existence. Which is more appealing? Only you can make this decision. I'm in a similar situation myself and am in the process of sorting a decision out for myself... I feel your pain, and wish you the best.
[quote name='"CKTony"']I feel for you. If the parents don't like you after 4 years, they never will.. unless they dislike you because of something you did. Then there's a chance that you can duke it out with them and get it over with. But if you don't meet their expectations or some stupid bs like that, I can tell you from experience, nothing will change. That being said, it's all up to you.. is he worth the trouble your family gives you? Don't think about losing him; compare your life now with a hypothetical life that you could be living in without his existence. Which is more appealing? Only you can make this decision. I'm in a similar situation myself, and I'm still in the process of sorting a decision out for myself... I feel your pain, and wish you the best.[/quote] Thanks for that, it's so nice to hear someone else is going through the same thing. I love him to death, I couldn't and wouldn't want any one but him. BUT, I can't handle how he is with me in public. His anxiety literally takes every good ounce in him. I'm always trying to get close to him, whisper stuff in his ear, smile, try to get his head away from what bothers him but nothing works, it's as if I'm doing worse. I just feel so alone when we're around his family, and knowing they don't like me makes it all worse. Then I'm dealing with not only his anxiety but mine too. I literally sat on a chair near the end for like an hour just on my phone on GC, I couldn't bare to look up and catch someone stating at me.
Has he tried smoking? Weed helps ease extreme anxiety. Does it happen often? Or only when he's with both you and his family? What about around your family? With friends?
He normally does smoke before events, he didnt yesterday idk why. Its pretty much any time he's around a bunch of people, whether it be family or friends. He's only really comfortable at home around me.
Not sure of your financial situation, but sounds like pharmaceuticals could really help him out. Also, talk to his mom. If it's anything like my huge ass family. If you gain the favor of the matriarch, then you're golden.
[quote name='"dankapotamus420"']Not sure of your financial situation, but sounds like pharmaceuticals could really help him out. Also, talk to his mom. If it's anything like my huge ass family. If you gain the favor of the matriarch, then you're golden.[/quote] I would never turn to pharmaceuticals, I don't believe in putting extra chemicals in your body when you can find natural ways to cure just about everything. Financials for pharmaceuticals isn't an issue as we're in Canada. I've spoken to his mom and so has he, I'm not sure if she cares or not but really doesn't matter anyhow. It's his cousins and aunts that drive us both insane with their immaturity and lack of respect.
Well that's your decision. But it terms of the family, you have to realise you don't just marry a person, you marry a family and are a part of it for a potential life and for whatever reason the family has decided against you. So you better be pretty confident that they'll come around if marriage is the plan, otherwise it's just setting yourself up for divorce. May seem a little cold, but large families stick together and put high importance on new additions to the family and you're better off cutting the losses.
Depends... would he choose you over communication with his own family? That's the question you should be asking.
And about the pharms, it's ain't yo body it's your boys. If He believes the risks or side effects outweigh the benefits then it really can improve his quality of life. There's always therapy but pills aren't always a bad thing.
I don't think about losing him; compare your life now with a hypothetical life that you could be living in without his existence.
Alright here is my advice on this sticky situation. You guys care for each other and his family is going to have to deal with it as long as you two have something. I would make it simple for him to where either A. he can take you to family events and act like ya'll are together or B. he can go by himself to these get togethers because from the sound of it, these people sound like dickbags and you tolerate them because of him. Do you care to say why these people hold you in contempt? If not I completely understand. I wish peace upon you and your other's relationship.
There major issue is that I'm apparently a moocher/gold-digger. All because I had difficulties finding a job when we were living together and we were trying to plan a wedding. Funny enough cause his cousin is getting married this year and is exactly what they accuse of me being... God forbid I say anything though. Because he has debt as well due to a student loan he took when he went to college and the left to pursue another career, they use it and say its my fault that he's in debt. I also helped him purchase a car, I was suppose to take the car payments for him and he'd just deal with insurance. But sadly shit happened with my job and I wasn't able to take over the payments for him. We've been engaged before, it didn't turn right because of the finances and the stress of me finding/losing jobs. They also accuse me of being two faced which is partly true. Because of my anxiety I have such difficulty around people I have to make a good impression on making me say things and do things I normally wouldn't. Because I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure I became someone near them I hated. Thankfully things have pretty much turned around completely and were back on track with our lives. I am who I am around them and everyone, they even know we both smoke. So I guess you could say me n him are as good as it gets which is why I wouldn't ever imagine leaving. My life is better with him in it. Now his family, that's a whole different ball game. Specifically his moms side, cause his dads side are chill stoners.
If your boyfriend is not willing to defend you to his own family, and tell them they are wrong, I do not imagine your relationship ending very happily.
Avoid them. You're a free person. No reason to be around people who don't like you. I have been in that position before and any time a family event came around: "Will your mom be there?" "Of course" "Well I'll be waiting for you when you get back sweetie, have fun" *goodbye kiss* I really hate the idea of putting your boyfriend in the middle and basically making him choose between you or his family (hint, you'll usually lose that one).
It's a catch-22, fucked if He chooses his mom over you, and on the other foot, what kind of man would choose some gal over his own mother