Hope Is All I Have.

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by Humetralis, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. I don't know why I'm putting this here. Hardly anyone knows me on here and I'm sure they don't want to hear about my emotional vomit. But I really need to write this...please don't be too hard on me.
    I've dealt with severe bipolar depression since I was twelve years old. I'm twenty three now. I've been on every medication, been to a mental clinic, and had electro shock therapy, all in desperation to get back to feeling normal again.
    I know what you must be thinking, why would I want to be normal, it's boring. Well...I'm sure normal people can get out of bed in the morning without wishing that the world would just implode. I'm sure normal people can handle going to work every day without having an anxiety attack. I'm sure normal people don't bludgeon themselves over the head each and every day about what a failure they are, or how they let everyone they cared about down, or how ugly, and fat, and stupid, and disgusting they are.
    Always. This stuff is always in my head, and I can't get it out. Every once in a while I'm able to ignore it and actually enjoy life, but after the bliss is over, I'm back to rock bottom.
    I just wish I could function normally. I wish I could function well. It's just so fucked up, and at the same time nothing is going on; it's all inside of my head, and that makes me even more frustrated.
    Weed is my only relief. I probably shouldn't be using it the way I do, but I have to feel relieved of the crap on my shoulders at least once a day, or else I constantly think about killing myself.
    It makes me sick. I want to live, but not if life is going to be like this for the rest of my time on this earth. I have a wonderful man who loves me, and I love him, but I always fear that I'll be without him someday, and dwelling on such a thing will probably make it happen.
    It's like this monster is inside of me, constantly feeding on my dreams and wishes, my goodness and vitality. It stole my passion, my energy, and my conviction.
    I wish I didn't think of killing myself. I love what few friends I have, and my family, and that would just hurt them so much. But they don't understand how much it hurts for me to live my life, day after day, just a constant barrage of self hate, sadness, anger, and emptiness. I don't even know what happened to me to make me like this. I had a very happy childhood. I was good in school, I had loving parents, lots of cool friends, and I was so active and shrewd. It seems like a lifetime ago, because the life I live now is the complete opposite of that.
    And constantly people tell me, 'you need to snap out of it', or 'you're better off than a lot of people', or 'just keep a positive attitude'. I have no emotional control. I have no inner peace. I've tried and tried, looked under many rocks to find the answers, and just...nothing. I can't even work because I'm so bereft of energy, sanity, and tranquility. I'm so afraid of failure that I end up sabotaging myself. There's this monstrous thing inside of me and only when I'm high do I get any relief from it. Actually, when I'm high, I'm able to feel it for what it is. It doesn't hurt, but I do feel its presence, a brooding, ugly, disgusting presence.
    I've had so many scrapes with death, at my own hands. I wish I could break the cycle, and just be content for once. I really don't know what to do anymore, guys. Can you imagine an existence that's just completely devoid of vitality and purpose? Well, it's the life I'm living now. And don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself, if that's what you're thinking. I decided a long time ago that I would never kill myself, mostly because I don't have the balls to hurt all the people I care about.
    I guess I just need someone to tell me that it's all going to eventually be okay. I have to keep hoping. Hope is all I have anymore.

  2. Try meditating
  3. #4 John Adams, Jun 18, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2013
    What helps me is meditation, calm thoughts, relaxing the mind. Only temporary however, I have to continuously meditate for it to go away fully and that is difficult, and anytime you stop it comes right back. I try and fight it sometimes, the anxiety, the depression, but nothing will make it go away forever. All you can do is fight it and hope it gets better. Good luck to you, and if you ever want to talk please PM me I'd be more than welcome to talk to you about anything your going through.
  4. i'm sorry dude, i'm sorry you have to go through all that shit. It sounds heavy to me. I obviously don't understand your situation but i know it can suck real bad. but i want you to be happy man. i don't you to keep thinking about negative shit about urself. even though sometimes its hard to be happy, at least try not to make yourself worse by denying yourself. Maybe I'm hot helping at all man but I wish you the best of luck. 
  5. Meditate, start working out/exercising routinely, change your diet, try new things every day. Pay attention to life's details that you normally give no thought to. Live life.
  6. You just described my life. Some people don't understand that you are experiencing symptoms you can't control even with the greatest of will power. Bi polar isn't something you can think away or snap out of. It's a sick beast that feeds on every thought and weakness. I'm on 6 medications right now and it keeps me stable but i attempted to OD a week ago. I just couldn't take where my life was going. I can totally relate with the obsessive and cyclical thoughts. They tear me up when i'm alone and just think. My mind won't shut off and it's all negative. I could go on but this about you not me i just was touched with how similar i feel.
    I'd suggest counseling/therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. It's been more effective for me than drugs, hospitals, arrest, etc. It sounds silly but it feels so good to be able to tell someone all of what you're feeling and going through and not be judged or degraded. They are actually there just to help and listen it's a great thing.
    Other than that meditation, working on calming my mind, using logical/critical thinking to rationalize my thoughts and address the direct cause of them. It's really hard but honestly it's the most effective thing i've ever done but also some of the most painful. When i do figure out how to stop it you'll be first to know.
    We love you here.
  7. #8 Tastytrichomes, Jun 18, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2013
    if you don't mind explaining, what are you depressed about specifically?
    realize that people are often labeled with disorders out of convenience. give them the medication, make a profit, placebo effect. this happens ALL THE TIME. do i think you probably do have a disorder? most likely, yes, but the medication isn't going to help. you obviously don't want to be depressed either
    try this, set some goals for yourself. whether they be short-term or long-term. just set some goals so you have something to look forward to when you wake up every morning. achieve some discipline. and realize that life is only what you make of it. you cannot entirely put the blame on your disorder for you are the one allowing it to control you
    life is fucking incredible. you're only making it hell for yourself by giving in to negativity and letting it control you. one love <3
  8. "hope is all i have left" before i came into this thread i though "thats all you need" and i still stick to it after reading through.
    I can totally relate to having a disorder (very noticeably blind in one eye and had OCD at one time), depression and those negative thoughts.
    Well here is my advice on getting those negative thoughts to be positive ones; in story form. 
    When i was younger i used to day dream all time, about all kinds of stuff, like flying with wings, girls coming out of the walls, superpowers and all that good stuff. Now as i got older those positive spontaneous day dreams, became negative realities of the future.  I would always be thinking about the future and worst possible things that could happen in every situation; and this lead to anxiety.

    Recently I've been becoming more interested in dreaming, and more specifically lucid dreaming. While my dreams are mostly positive, The practice for lucidity involves daydreaming about what you would do in a lucid dream, and ofcourse you would make an effort to visualizing something positive . Doing this (positive daydreaming) has definitely had an effect on my negative thoughts.  Like the other day i was stressing about getting arrested (i havent been arrested) and ruining my chances at studying abroad; and as the jury was reading the verdict, i realized what this negative thought was hurting me, so imagined a verdict of not guilty and everyone in the court room celebrated.

    Eventually you won't have to will your thoughts to be positive as your subconscious will pick up on your conscious efforts at positive thinking and do so automatically.
    So tl;dr   Try daydreaming or even thinking over your negative thoughts with a positive twist.

    Also I find that cannabis can teach alot of stuff about life, but that doesn't really happen if you don't allow yourself to put away distractions (tv,computer). Also smoke larger quantities, most of the time when i do it hits me that i've been doing it wrong, in the sense that i haven't been smoking enough.  

    I hope this helps. 
  9. I too suffer from severe bipolar disorder. Life was really rough for me growing but since i got on the right medication i have been on a more positive path. The one thing i can tell you is never give up hope in those that have hope in you, they believe in you for a reason.

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