you know...i cant tell you much about the last few weeks without cheating and looking it up..... but i can remember clearly things from when i was a little child...and even much from before i could talk.... there was this one lesson.... i have always taught myself along the way.... never waiting for the teachers.... i could read well ...for a year or 2 before anyone elts knew i could i never let the adults know what was going on in my little head.... i remember that for a long time i had wanted to know why my dad had a sign in the garage that said "fuck it" i wanted to know what it meant.... i knew quite well what it said.... i think i was 4 at the time....just started kindergarten and fuck was one of the first words i learned to spell..... some adults would just swear....while others spelled the words out .....so i knew how to spell all the good swear words before anything elts.... anyway.... one day i asked him..... what does that sign say? i knew dam well what it said ....but i wanted to know what he would say to me.....remember i was very young..... and he said to me... thats an attitude check son..... now i know thats not what it said.... so now i want to know what does his explanation mean....so i say... i know thats not what it says...what does it say.... and he finally told me it says fuck it.... so now ...i ask so why did you say it was an attitude check? again it took some prodding to get an answer.... but finally he told me.... when he was in "nam"...... and someone was losing their cool..... in their "group" it was custom to say to that person- attitude check.... and the only appropriate response was....."fuck it" that story has stuck with me all my life.... and gotten me thru more things then i can any longer remember.... sometimes in this mess of a life.... the only acceptable answer really is...... fuck it-
Dedicated to all of you: [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO-1IV6rePg]"I love Life" Pangea DAy ScaryDAve thechurchfodave Style! - YouTube[/ame]
Eh. you're only hurting yourself. no matter how much hate you dedicate to the world, or one person, guess what? it doesnt affect them. keyboard raging, entitling your issues about anger and hate towards them... doesn't make their day any less of what it is. -- whoever you hate, remains unaffected by your negativity at this moment... and they are probably out having a damn blast right now, and your ill towards them is the farthest thing from their minds. IM just saying, all this anger building up inside you is producing no yield except harming yourself. all your contaminating with your hatred is you. so do yourself a favor, and stop hating.
thanks but ummm..... i did attempt to make it clear that there is no one person.....and often no good reason at all if i was mad at someone....instead of "keyboard raging"(lmao)or conversing as i like to call it....with the people here.....i would be talking to that person.... fuck i wish it was as easy as being mad at someone!!!!!! then i would know exactly what to do....go and talk to them...until something is resolved.....easy....kinda....(depending on the person) what i am dealing with is not ...."somebody cut me off in traffic" or "the boss is an asshole" type of pissed off.... it is out of nowhere.... no good reason..... just fucking there..... i know why ultimately.....it all comes back to the spikes and waves.... the fluctuations in brain waves that alter all my shit....and leave me high and dry..... yet because i am still human after all....even if i do fire off at a different rate then most....it is easy to try and attach these feelings to real things that dont deserve them.... and because i am still human .....i still fuck shit up from time to time... understanding where they come from doesnt make them go away ... it is really kind of silly of you to assume that i want to effect anyone with my hate.... i do believe i made it quite clear that the opposite is my goal.... i dont wish any ill for anyone.....this is half of the point.... how much did you actually read before you posted?
sorry ....but you missed it.... the point is not and never was.....fuck it ...just give up..... the point is and always was....fuck it....just keep moving on.... no matter how bad it gets.... no matter how deep the poo becomes... swimming up shits-creek is better then drowning in it.... fuck it... just keep swimming..... i appreciate where you are coming from ...believe me... i just think you may have missed a few important details
just your introductory post. about you hating, some people, sometimes everyone, sometimes everything, sometimes "fuck it" thats all i really needed to know, before i could pass along some advice that reads: You're still only affecting yourself. all the hate you have, its all in you. not anything else. if it discomforts you, then i'd advise for you to find an outlet for your anger. maybe a punching bag, or a keyboard as it seems you prefer.
i still trying to make sure i am only effecting myself..... you see at one point not to long ago i was effecting alot of people who didnt do a single thing to deserve it.... and most of it i would have to be told about after the fact ..... if you read all the way thru you may have noticed..... i have hinted at the fact that blackouts are a very real part of my life....and have nothing to do with drugs or alcohol.... so i would be quite pleased if i could keep it to only effecting myself!!!!! i have quite a few outlets.....this place happens to be one of them as i dont interact with alot of people out in the real world....i stay away from them for the most part...
no problem at all.... i didnt have a problem with any of what you posted.... made me have to rethink.... "did i explain myself well?" "did i leave something out?" always questioning myself.....
Well..he told you right...an attitude check....just....fuck it... ...who doesnt read a 2 pg thread? (rhetorical) lol
Fuck it indeed. I originally wrote a very long story in this post, but I feel I can get my point across more quickly without making this overly sad... Although after typing all this it turned out almost as long, but not nearly as sad... I have two friends, both had cancer. One survived, but has been in and out of surgery ever since she recovered, with countless bone problems. The other, my best friend in high school, died at the age of 19. He was the happiest person I knew, and he knew he was terminal the entire time. He taught me more than anyone I've known... He also smiled more than anyone I've known, which was a lesson in itself. I could tell many stories about him. The first girl I mentioned is probably one of the strongest people I know. Both acted very normal, and did not give any attention to their cancer, they wanted no one's sympathy, they just wanted to enjoy their lives. She is the one who I first heard about Corrosion of Conformity from. I remember my friend who died, when he told me he had four years to live, said it in the same tone of voice he would talk about a movie he had seen, or about going to get lunch. Anyways, moral of the story, is that in the face of cancer, and death itself (both had had multiple experiences of 105 degree fevers and other near death experiences before thier bouts with cancer "ended", one by death, the other by slow recovery) both of these people were able to say fuck it and go with the flow of life. Both obviously had to feel hatred towards the world, towards life at times, but they were able to flow along with life, without giving up, without being outwardly sad, or upset, or angry... somehow, I wish I knew, but they did. Really you could substitute this story with any story about adversity. Both of these people's lives are and were beautiful... Even in the shittiest aspects of life beauty can be found. They found the beauty, in the face of death itself, many others find it every day. I wish I knew their secret... but perhaps we all know it, it may have been nothing more than two words... "Fuck it". Best of luck my friend. Keep on keepin on.
next time hit me with the long version....ill read the whole thing idk if i have had this conversation with you or not hog....but Corrosion of Conformity...always been a personal favorite- a friend once told me that you can find all you need if you can find the right songs.... [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEqt8f4KQTs&feature=related]13. Shelter - YouTube[/ame] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shine on.....[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of6wimVHwH8]Stare Too Long - Corrosion of Conformity - YouTube[/ame]
im not the only one who feels this way! [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dGf36QXvNI]GWAR - War is all we know (Lyrics) - YouTube[/ame]
I would say there is a reason for the anger, it's just buried under all the excuses. Something in your lifetime brought extreme anger to your personality. I suggest trying to find the source, and try to accept it. Growth entails healing. No reason to let something control you when you have the power. Also angry music/movies/literature won't help..
i mentioned earlier ...i could easily come up with quite a list of reasons to be angry.....but none of those things are worth dwelling on...they are all in the past.....and the past is gone.....all we ever have is now.... rage just happens to be one of the symptoms of my life..... remembering that nothing now is causing it....helps me to keep it from being taken out on the people around me who have done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment.... btw-you may be surprised how much a bit of angry music can alleviate at the right times it can be quite the release...... when i was 17 i remember one of my roomates coming to me and telling me that sometimes i would not be myself.... that i would change ......and the person i would become was mean.... and would say the most unimaginably hateful things..... and after i would pass out and sleep for hrs..... and then i would not believe anyone when they tried to tell ma after i woke.....fuck i didnt even remember them telling me when i woke..... i recently met up with a childhood friend...whos mother babysat me when i was very young.....4 or 5 till maybe 8....this friend told me that her mother says when she would watch me ...i would have these times... when i would stair at the wall for hrs....and not respond to anyone or anything....and when i would"come out of it" i would then always eat something and go to sleep.... i remember the visions from other places from before i could talk....and they tell me i could tall in complete sentences before i was 2 i could go on for days about the bulshit i delt with growing up.....but none of that is good reason to wake up pissed off at the world so often..... i have always been alone..... this may well be somewhere at the core of it.... even in a room full of people i know.... always alone..... there have been brief times when i was close to someone ...and felt much less alone .... but for the most part.... its just me.... and i have usually chosen it that way..... or at least been the one to blame..... you see i am quite a mess....... and if i let that anger/hate turn inward...this is where it goes.... self destruction...... i am good at it.... a fucking masochist....and a sadist all in one..... i hurt myself better then anyone elts could.... so i try and avoid that one as well..... i do like pain........sometimes alot.... you see my friend....i have accepted it ....it has always been a part of who i am..... i havent even described to you what i have been told about me at my worst.....when the blackouts became evident to me..... tell me....which excuses are those? cus i would really like to know..... i love that you think it is so simple.... i am usually one for finding simple answers to complex problems.... but this one is just not always that easy ...what works one day...doesnt always work on another day......
You should not accept it IMO.. unless you are attempting to control it. To me, it sounds like your childhood set the building blocks and your fear of being alone created the tumble. What if you tried to accept you aren't alone, or don't have to be? There are many people in the world that are willing to lend an ear. The trick is to find the ones worth lending your own ear. I'm sorry for your unfortunate life events my friend, but I think you still hold the power to control your future. Please don't feel alone because that feeling is what made you physically/mentally alone. IDK about your history with drug dependancy, but I think relying on drugs for happiness can create a very unhappy sober person, which when the levee breaks, floods into your high also. Not trying to accuse you of drug abuse or anything! Just saying it's something to think about if you think it relates. [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ROOXWxAmE0[/ame]
thats just it.... i dont mind being alone.... i am not afraid of being alone at all....i like it i have all the people i need to talk to right here.... i often seek that solitude....purposefully! the thing i dont like is the anger.... the thing that drives me to solitude so often is just that..... not fear of being alone......but a healthy enough fear of that dark side of myself......who ever is that takes over the controls when i am not the one running the show in this head of mine.... if i told you the whole story you would ask me how i made it this far.... and that my friend is only a part of the puzzle.... childhood may be many pieces of the puzzle.... but it is still not the whole picture.... btw- that was a serious question^^^^
By excuses, I meant the source your angry at.. but again, I'm sorry for your hatred, and I hope your acceptance leads to a solution, because acceptance is only the first step to solving a bad habit. If you feel you've lost control, I'm afraid your loss of hope is your biggest enemy.