some days ...i fucking hate you all..... not you specifically... not any individuals in particular.... the whole fucking world..... for no good reason.....some days i hate this whole fucking world..... and it is a feeling that can be difficult to shake off.... just when i think it is gone...there it is again...lurking in the shadows of my mind...waiting till im not looking..... waiting to trip me up again..... some days it can be impossible to chase away.... and of coarse all it does is bread more hate.... fuck............... fuck this................ edit: [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwT9G6t-SKI&feature=related[/ame]
I have it too man, it sucks, especially since most times I don't know what causes it and I don't know how to get rid of it, it's just there, like I have hatred built inside me that gets taken off its leash. It consumes, I can't compartmentalize my anger. When I'm really angry at someone or something it just seeps into everything, I get angry at everything. What's really scary is it feels like my anger wants me to feed it, there's some kind of animalistic pleasure in having rage. The beast in me is caged by frail and fragile bars restless by day, and by night rants and rages at the stars Sometimes it tries to kid me that it's just a teddy bear or even somehow manage to vanish in the air, and that is when I must beware of the beast in me
I guess all you can do is try to do something you enjoy to mitigate the sometimes difficult task that is being alive. I'm going on vacation. I'm starting to hate it here.
longest i have lived in one place is 3 years....running doesnt ever leave it behind altho it can and often does help for awhile.... motion creates balance.... but it is hard to always stay moving... and it gets tiring trying to always stay ahead of yourself.... "if it was all in my head wouldnt it be so easy to find"-suicidal im not going to stop trying...not my style...... but some days....i want to i havent physically hurt anyone in a cupple years .....and id really like to keep it that way! i dont even know if there are words for how it goes if i dont stay ahead of it all.....
You're right but sometimes leaving for a bit invigorates your appreciation for your home. It's always nice to sleep in your own bed after a camping trip.
Sometimes I 'hate' (I don't really hate too much, one or two things) the world too. It's more so the other people... sometimes people's blatant stupidity really upsets me, especially when I see it in parents trying to teach their children. I see so many people who are willfully ignorant and refuse to learn or ask questions for fear of looking stupid to others.
see and i feel more at home out in the woods.....im not disagreeing with you just sometimes it is hard to come back out of the woods......to where all the people are....i would rather be there then here fucking people and there fears....ruining fucking everything! i see it everywhere..... often i find it has already been said- (i could quote this whole album of this subject)
Cant let it feed on itself....anger feels GOOD sometimes...you feel justified...because there are things worth getting angry over...PLENTY...at some point though, for your own sake, you have to stop playing in... That means moving on...moving on with some constructive activity which will bring release....work out, fuck, jack off...vacuum...listen to music that doesnt involve feeding that feeling...dont.play.in....also, smoking a bowl after/before/during any of that doesnt hurt..
i could easily find or even make up reasons to be angry.... but in my case there is often no reason at all..... none.... of coarse it doesnt take long if i dont shut out the right voices -for my head to convince me there is good reason.....when i know there is none..... my own worst enemy....always...... and just holding it in does no good....at all.... anger held in quickly becomes depression....dont need that ither... believe me i dont play into it(unless i dont notice it happening-this is occasionally the case..)...but i am not always the one in charge.... the worst of it i never even remember.... only what others tell me after... yes it can be that serious at times.... but i have been doing well with it for some time now... i mean it comes and goes..... but it hasnt gotten to be in charge in some time... and id really like to keep it that way
holding back a shitton here even with describing it .... pretending it doesnt have the power that it does... lying to myself ... pretending a part of it is the whole problem ... wtf am i accomplishing like that? if i just look at it a different way it seams like a smaller problem then it is.... but nothing has actually changed other then perspective.... just cus im not looking at the whole problem doesnt make the parts im refusing to see go away.... they are still there waiting.... ready to spring the moment they get the chance.... and when all the pieces spring at once.... it is a fuck of a wave to try and ride out..... and there is no shore ...... cus when this wave dies down....the next one is already building.... spikes and waves interwoven within my reality in such a way i can do nothing but ride them out..... where it stops nobody knows.... where i will wake next? nobody knows...... will i remember this tomorrow? or will i have to read about i just to know it happened at all.....
We have macro and micro thoughts, the macro thoughts are the ones that are obvious to us, like a voice in our head. Most people are only aware of macro thoughts, they do not realize that micro thoughts exist. Micro thoughts are very subtle, like wisps of smoke. I didn't even realize they existed until I did a few weeks of thought observation, and by god there is an ocean of them floating inside our heads. We don't realize they are there, but they greatly impact our emotions, our actions, etc... There are layers upon layers of them, all appearing simultaneously, and they get increasingly more subtle, to the point where they are microscopic concepts in our heads, not even forming words or sentences. I honestly don't know how deep they go but the ones I can pick out can get extremely subtle. When I get angry I observe my thoughts, and every time (literally every time I've done this) there is a micro thought, or many micro thoughts, lurking around making me upset. Once I examine them and see how silly they are (they almost always are silly), the anger disappates and it all becomes humorous. Point being, it may be cliche, and I am sure you have already taken thought into account, but there is a decent chance there are a bunch of micro thoughts gathering together, and making you upset. Unfortunately to even become aware of them requires a few weeks of thought observation meditation, they are that subtle.
Are you saying that you deal with uncontrollable anger, but there is nothing specific that you are angry about? Tried a mosh pit? I assume so....lol...but really...if its affecting your life to that extent..get it checked out... I am guessing you'd want that to stop it if you cant remember shit you did when you go through this? No? Or do you view it as something you 'have' to go through....I would say that life cant be lived in that state. Also, why do you say youre not the one in charge?
i follow you completely...... i understand exactly where you are coming from with the layers of thought....and the tiny ones that hide in the background..... often i find myself in the difficult position of knowing what tiny thoughts are bothering me....and still not being able to make them go away.... knowing how dumb it is to be mad over such things... hell sometimes my anger is quite justified! ...of coarse this still doesnt make it a positive thing at all..... but you see more often then not.... there is no reason.....(at least not one that can be labeled)and perhaps in these cases it is a thought so small and hidden i cant put my finger on it.... and sometimes it is a bunch of big shit that i am trying to pretend isnt so big at all.... lying to myself and trying to pretend that everything is ok...when it is far from fucking ok...... just to be fair to those of you who dont already know...and are offering great advice(thank you all!!!!!)...i do have serious neurological issues which influence my state of mind and my reality .... often having more influence then i would like...... spikes and waves baby......just hold on and try to ride it out.....
there is no place in this earth quite like the pit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have often stood in the middle of the pit screaming at the stage with noone on their feet for several feet round me!!!!!!!!!!! when i do get to a show...if there is no pit ...i am happy to start one!!!!!!! i have actually tried everything the docs can come up with to stop it as well....including a complete temporal lobotomy.... nothing they can come up with can even explain why.....nevermind stop it.... the surgery helped a bit.....like i said i havent beat anyone up in a cupple years.....this is an improvement..... do i feel i have to go thru it..... idk? i do feel i cant get away from it.... btw- life can be lived in almost any state... humans survive all kinds of crazy shit everyday! [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuDtGdmWc4g]Suicidal Tendencies - I Feel Your Pain And I Survive - YouTube[/ame]
when i was very young i saw this picture in my mind one day.... (of coarse i have a much better understanding of what those "pictures" were now) of running up a stair case.....in the middle of nothingness.... and each step i left.... fell away into the nothingness and was gone.... i remember i tried to explain this to some adult or another.... i tried to tell them how i had seen this..... and how it made me think of what having no memory would be like...... of coarse they blew me off....as they always did.... and now all these years latter and i am reminded of that stair case.......as those steps on occasion decide to fall away behind me....
^^^ lol...dont I know it!...haha.... Nothin left to do but ride it out then, huh...sounds like an opportunity for an MMJ card to me..haha
not yet in this state......altho my current neurologist has suggested i go get one from another state and try to pass it off here...lmfao!!!!!!! btw- thats the only option i have ever had just ride it out.........
this is a pretty good read I'll admit...I use all the hate that I have and use it as motivation...Just like everyone else I have a million different thoughts running through my head and they give me all kinds of different emotions..I do know the "hate" that your talking about though.. Physical activity is what I have found helps me to cope with it the most...When I start to feel like that toward the world I go run by myself..I've probly run "almost" every single day for the like the last five years honestly...but I no longer have that type of hate in my heart anymore..just me personally when I run by myself I sort alot of stuff out in my head and when I do feel that "hate" I use it for motivation to run that much harder. I hope you don't always feel that way man
more often then not i put on the headphones and run in the creek...jumping rock to rock..... thank you- im used to it doesnt make it any better tho....
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMBvj20umQE]The White Stripes - Little Cream Soda - YouTube[/ame] Well every highway that I go down Seems to be longer than the last one that i knew about Oh Well And every girl that I walk around Seems to be more of an illusion than the last one that I found Oh Well And this old man in front of me Wearing canes and ruby rings Is like containing an explosion when he sings But with every chance to set himself on fire He just ends up doing the same thing Well every beautiful thing I come across Tells me to stop moving and shake this riddle off Oh Well And there was a time when all I wanted was my Ice cream colder, and a little cream soda Oh Well, Oh Well And a wooden box, and an alley full of rocks was all i had to care about Oh Well, Oh Well, Oh Well But now my mind is filled with rubber tires and forest fires an whether i'm a liar and lots of other situations where I don't know what to do at which time God screams to me “there's nothing left for me to tell you” nothing left for me to tell you nothing left... Oh Well, Oh Well, Oh Well