so ive been trying not to post this crap for the last week or so. basically, last sat, i came home for spring break. pplans for langerado - cancelled plans for housing next year at school - cancelled plans to spend rest of college with best friend - cancelled plans to have a stable home in ATL - cancelled. my mom decided the week before to tell me that she was moving and was cancelling, or should i say, moving back her trip to cali until after i left. so my plans went from good, to bad, to worse (from goin to langerado, to having to pack the house alone, to having to pack with her) and tonight being my last night, as she just so casually reminded me, ive been sitting here, not really thinking about much, in fear of loosing control of my control over every fuckin emotion in my body right now... so what does my mom do?? after a week of hastling me, telling me how my shit was getting binned if it didnt get boxed before i left, asking me to do stupid ass tasks she could have done herself years ago while i was at shcool, she decided to come say goodnight, only to casually walk back in 3 minutes later, stating this as her purpose for dragging her ass back into my room, my last sanctuary... "i just realized tonight was your last night ever in the house... how do you feel about that??" i was just like fuuuuck man, i know youre trying to get me to say how much i fuckin hate you right now, but ima stay cool and show you up... "eh i didnt give it much thought honestly" a lot of awkward silenced ensued as i stared at her, then my laptop, busilly typing away with friends, trying to keep my cool. i basically just said that i was "indifferent" to which she replied "oh so do you feel like this is all just kind of happening without your control??" (right on the goddamn nose mom, thanks a lot) man, i hate how parents know exactly what you dont want to hear, and they they fuckin say it. its my last fuckin night in this damn house, the house i moved into after leaving the UK almost 8 years ago. its the only house ive lived in in the US, the only house i lived in in ATL and the fact shes moving out of it before i even have a chance to finnish my time here in ATL is crushing. if she couldnt tell by my constant refusal to look at her new appt, my bad attitute, my angry demeanor and my near constant anxiety the whole week. not only is she tearing out my heart by leaving this house, the reasons shes doing it are totally selfish. i cant even bare to go into a whole lotta detail, but basically, she settled on an offer for the house, almost 200,000 dolalrs less than the asking price for any house in the area, jus so she can sell it, move fast and have quick money to spend, in the fashion she has been for years now. when she sells this house, its the last of any inheritance im gonna have the chance of seeing, and all that money is my dads hard earned divorce settlement, recklesssly speant with no income by my mom since 2000. she left for the us with about 1milliion. she now is at the point of having to take a shady ass offer on a fuckin awesome ass house, jsut cause she hasnt gotten a job... ever. im beyod words now. shes taken my emoitions to the end of their limits, and ive fought fighting back this entire week. im not gonna do or say shit to her, but she DAMN WELL knows how i feel. if she doesnt, well, shame on her for not giving a shit. im torn appart by this. this is my fucking home, the place i started my new life. i left the UK nearly kicked out of school, had the worst grades in my schsooll and needed some serious help. i struggled through highschool and college dealing with her shit, and what shes done to the family. tonight marks the last night in my books chapter here in ATL. there is no way in hell i will ever step into the same house and set down my bags as shes in. i will never live with, let alone talk to her after tommorow. my flights at 3, barely enough time for me to get the last of my things boxed up. i thought about hitting a J right here in bed, but im not gonna let her get that rise outta me. if i leave here, rules unbroken, i can leave with a guilt free conscience, knowing i didnt do anything to deserve half the shit thats rained down on me this year. im at my near breaking point, and im just about able to not break right now. just. im livid with anger, parylyzed with fear and crushed with hurt over this. id struggled the whole week not to give the matter ANY thought until i left, and was 100% able to fucking kick the shit out of whatever was around me until i felt better. now, idk... im supposed to leave at 3.30 on a flight to indianapolis, and i may never get the chance to return to ATL, let alone this location. this house, this room, this garden... its been my only livlihood for 8 years. the thing i always had as constant, the one thing i could guarantee... but no longer. when i leave the house tomorrow, im not so much as looking back for fear of loosing absolute control over efvery fucntioning limb in my body. as soon as i get to shcool, im indulging in whatever drug is hardest, and closest to me. i dont really know how to fucking deal with this shit in a rational sense anymore, and im at a total loss for what to do now. i cant beleive that after tonight, there will be not a single occasion where i will leave this house, walk a few feet down the road to the gazeebo to go toke up, or go check on my babies in the garden. i wont be able to light up a J in the garage, half cracked in the summer heat. i wont be able to park my car neatly in the 2 car garage, take out the transmission and fuck with it til the sun comes up 3 months later... none of it. instead, what do i have?? 55,000 dollars of student loan debt. over 3000 in interest in the last 2 years, another 2 years of college and 3 years of grad school to pay for, and a broken heart. im barely fighting the tears now, and im gonna have to cut this entry short. best beleive ill be back to post more in here, but just a little update as to my current situation. im about to rade the house for any valuables uncalled at this point, to try and at least feel as if my petty theft will give me some closure on this mess. im not about to do anything dumb, but im in no mindset to make any good choices either. i have the whole semester left to finnish, just found out a teacher has given me a D in fucking basic drawing classes, just because she doesnt think im motivated enough, even though im said to be best in the class, and not to mention i have doctors to see, a house to find for myself as well as mounting debt and anxiety. ok, i really cant go on further wihtout loosing it. im gonna hit a bowl and come back to post moer in a little. sorry for the total randomness of this thread, i can barely string a thought together and ive been stone cold sober with just one cig to the mouth all day. fuck this
im so sorry man, this bowl is for you buddy. thats a serious situation, i can totally understand your emotions. i can only wish you better hope for the future, i hope youre luck changes for so much better that this doesnt even worry you again. take care man.
Man. Weak. Truely. I've never been in your situation so I have no real advice to offer. My condolences. I would light a bowl for you, but I won't(rather can't) because of current short-term health issues haha. Things will work out for you in the end. Not sure how yet, but theres a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm really sorry to hear about this, and it's good you're letting it all out. I know you must feel lost being out of your comfort zone. But in situations like that, I would recommend looking at the things you have that will always be in your life. Your imagination, your views, even the feeling you get when you see something special like a sunrise or cool summer shower or something. This whole world revolves around money and goods and it might be hard but in times of real desperation when you feel all society's elements are going against you, sometimes making your mind your home is a good idea. How else do you think people can like train hop and stuff? I'm sure everyone's capable of finding that certain special sanctuary that you can always place your mental being in. Anyways, this might sound like a bunch of romantic mumbo jumbo.. but I really hope the best for you. You always have people here no matter what problems you face. Think of that before you try to turn to something else for a friendship. <3
well, im gonna need another suitcase for the shit im taking as mine. im gonna go light my initials into the neighbors side of the grass as a semi lasting memory of my presence here, cause i know its been felt by people here who cared. im probably gona put up my lsat ever tag in the area at the smoke spot that i wont go back to for probably years now. im livid iwth anger, i can barely type my hands are shaking, and im trying really hard not to take a big fat dump on the pristine white carpet outside my room. im so angry, so hurt i dont know what to do really. alright, wellive got my paint. im gonan tag the shit outta the place and leave my mark literally on the gazeebo thats given me shelter from the rain, and a place to smoke for the last 7 years. no doubt every person in the damn city who smokes there willknow who it was, and damn right so. ill be back, and yes, i will take apicture of said tag.
yo the best way to fuck with a grass yard is gasoline. dont light it, just pour the gasoline in the shape of whatever you want. the grass will die, and in about three days your design will appear clear as a bell. thats what we did as our school prank. im not trying to lighten your situation though.
well, i officially put up one of the largest tags i have ever done. it was quick, but bold. for anyone that doesnt know, and im sure thats everyone, i used to tag bag in the day, and my name is INGO. i dont care who the fuck sees this. i tagged the entire clear side of the concrete floor of the gazeebo: INGO PWND DIZ HOOD 01-08 -NUKA im quite excited for digi SLR shots tomorrow via my neighbor. the ingo part was about 2 feet by like 10-15 feet. mwa haha i feel somewhat better.
that some serious bullshit man. can't say that i've been there before but i've had alot of troubles myself and all i can tell you is just try to take things one day at a time. best of luck, man.
thanks to everyone for the kind words. im much more setteled now that im totally stoned off my ass. i just checked my bank and school financial records and it seems monday im getting 3000 dollars i guess that interest will grow to be a good few hundred by the time i pay it off, but the effects of the drugs, will most likely last a lifetime. im going to pretty much spend money on a bunch of weed, benzos and maybe some rolls for the rest of the semester. hella benzos. the money is supposed to go to my mom, for when i borrowed the same ammount in order to pay for a computer for school, in between semesters when i couldnt get a loan. her ex said that id be "justified" if i didnt give her any money after this llast few weeks. she is also cancelling the order for the pink dell and printer she had ordered my mom. pretty gnarly woman (moms ex GF) oh and to anyone that didnt know, yes, my mom is, or was gay. so yea, tons of money to recklessly spend, pretty stoned, gonna raid all the foreign food my mom stashed here for her to eat and not share, then pass out. flight is at 3.30pm... hoping i dont look in the mirror as we pull outta the drive. im tryin not to look back at this point in time. ill save that for when i have shit to ease me a little more than herb. and thats being 100% real. im about to have a binge week, and theres nothing much thats gonna stop me now.
so my mom decided that me geting up at 10am today was an apprprioate time for me to wake for my 3.30 flight. what a fucking stupid ass plan you dumbass. i didnt fall asleep til after 6am and my head is fuckin hurting and i can barely keep my eyes open. fuckkk this.
yeah man. that is some serious shit. but trust me(someone who has been pretty bad before) you can always bounce back. thats the truth of it............try burning something down. thats what always cheers me up anyways.
do some hallucinigens to get you through this. id also think youd feel even better about yourself if you took half the money and put it to good use, like savings or buying a lot of something and "giving it away" for a profit, etc. take it easy dude.
im making a very large green investment actually. shoudl be good. as far as hallucinogens go.. idk if my mind can handle that much "freedom" at this point in time. the last time i tripped was 3 weeks ago, or at least i think it was (cant remmeber any if not most of the alst 3 weeks) and it lead to me doing a lot of stupid things from that day on. eneded up candyflipping the first night, rolling the next, getting skiid as fuck for the next two weeks as well as severe benzo abuse. i litterally do not remember much after the first weekend 3 weeks ago, and my memory didnt get much better til about 3 or 4 days ago, which seems to be excrutiatingly hard to remember. im gonna try and fight my instincts to get loaded, and at least if im gonna, play is safe and not do shit that could cause some major issues. with my anxiety levels now at extreme and an already 3 day long headache of god knows what cause, im just trying to not hurt myself more than i seem to have already. unfortunately, im supposed to be hooked up with the biggest/best ski instructor, so to speak, in my town, and am feeling that tingle in my nose thinking about it. im hoping i find something that knocks me the fuck out before i get into that shit again, i dont want to have it as another problem to chalk up onto the board. ive got buds there, and a definate hookup for some bars come monday, so im pretty strait with that alone in mind... but ill see what happens.
well i snapped a pic for all yall that wanna see... nothin crazy, but safe to say, my mark has been left.
so youre wary about hallucinagens but not cocaine. hmm. im not in your situation so i shouldnt judge either way. dont do anything to intentionally hurt yourself man.
That situation is really too bad, man. Never had anything like that but I still feel for you. Remember that tough times end, tough people don't.
well im back at school now. i got a lotta shit to do, and after my flight got delayed from 3.30 til around 6-7 it was pretty lame. while i was sitting on the runway my mom was texting me this whole guilt trip LOL it was pretty dumb, but either way, i got to school arond 9 to find the dorm locked. oh well, got some mcdonalds, weed, and crashed at a friends place. oh and cigs. lol so now im back at my place, bout to shower, get dressed and smoke a cig and get some food. the weather is really nice here, still in the 40's but nice none the less. ill keep this updated cause i got a lot to take care of.
^^ glad things are rolling man. time will heal. i cant wait to get back to school and smoke a joint without walking outside.
yea, last night i split an 8r of this bud that smelled strait funky. i had some o bought back with me so i packed the first few bowls til ewe got that. now i got liek 1.4 left cause we split it 50/50 but tonight im gonna pick up some bars, and right now, im treating myself to a delicous pizza from the best place in town, Greeks Pizzeria. but if i didnt order in, id be stuck. all i ate yesterday was mcdonalds and my friends home cooked food. todya i get to campus and find everything is shut. LOL oh well. pizza for me!
This world is so fucked up nowadays that school should be teaching us meditation as a manditory. Better then any pill a doc can give you for anxiety. Oh ya...school is just as fucked up as the rest of the world.... I have an extremely fucked up family, and had bad anxiety issues. Things got so bad this year that I was desperate for a solution. I am really pro-active and sought all kinds of Western treaments, which are mostly just Allotropic anyways(covering up the problem, not fixing the cause). So I turned to eastern studies, started to do meditation just recently, and my quality of life went way up. You will probably feel silly if you start doing meditation at first, but this excercise improves your skills of relaxation. Remember, relaxation is a skill like anything else, and it takes practice to get good at it. PM me if you are interested in a good meditiation link. BTW, sounds like you need to do some serious thinking about living with your mom. Sounds like your mom might have some serious problems that she needs to work out, before she can have healthy relationships in her life. I hope this help