Well, hey blades. Feelin a little depressed here, maybe my mood will change by the end of this rant... it may get lengthy so i appreciate whoever reads it Stoned n thinking... thoughts wandered to my father. Iv had a few threads on here and many times mentioned how he smokes too but wont smoke with me. Well recently we've had a lot of arguements about me smoking. I'm always laid back and make jokes about being a stoner, and he'll get pissed. This guy in 30 years of marriage couldn't change my moms minds about cannabis. Took me 3 months. I know everything about it, he doesnt even know what indica or sativa is... he doesnt know anything but a joint and a roach clip... and yet he critisizes me all the time. I remember talkin to kids in school who had parents who smoke and they smoke with them. I liked my dad back then (I was ignorant), I didn't realize how close-minded and ignorant he was. And you all know... you would love the chance to smoke with a parent, so once I found out he smoked I was estatic to say the least. I knew it was would be like one of those life changing moments, but no... I rolled up a blunt for us while we went to play golf. He complained the blunt was too much (but wasnt hesitant to turn down the roach later) and just complained and over n over, it was nothing special... no good feelings like something special had happened, nothing. With the way my dad acts towards me about smoking I can't believe I never realized it. I guess I was so caught up in other things that it just didn't click. He thinks I have become another lost cause, a pothead. Going nowhere in life, only to be living for the high, maybe move onto other drugs and ruin my life. I can't even explain to him my views on life... how I want to live to LIVE and travel, not be held down by a 9 to 5. Actually enjoy my life, no appointments, nowhere to be at any time... I won't go too into detail, but the way I speak of these things, I guess he just lost interest in his only son. It really hurts to know my dad thinks im a loser... In one way or another I always just wanted to make him proud. I see the only way is to prove him wrong. Maybe 5, even 10 years down the road we'll see... we'll see. I just hate where I am now, I want to escape.
thinkin some more... I'v always been the one looked down upon by my family (lots and lots of uncles, aunts, cuz's).... at least it always seemed that way and I distanted myself from them on purpose, and now it seems my dad looks down on me. I hate this, my entire family doesn't know my potential, how intelligent I truely am, how passionate I am about what I want to achieve, I just wish they would support me, yet they push me in the other direction... why... why.
I guess this is kinda my rant thread. Not trying to be emo here haha, just this is all popping in my head now and I have to type it, save it somewhere... and maybe look for advice. Well... I was the only one in the family to go through depression. My doctors still think I'm depressed. I missed a lot of family things because of this and my social anxiety (Istill have my anxiety)... I think my family all thought less and less of me. Iv even gotten comments from my closest cuz, the only one thats more like a friend to me which I won't repeat, but it was cuttin down close to the bone. It just feels like no one understands... the whole day Iv felt so irritable and just completely out of it, i'm even slurrin words sober and mumbling... i sound fucked up, but im just like... zombified, so distant from this world, trying to get to where I wanna be. I'm usually so strong, but today I am as weak as can be. I'm just spectating now, depersonification I think it's called... oh we'll let's watch the world destroy itself. Where am I going with this, I don't know. I'm merely typing exactly what I think. I should prolly end my rant here and go to bed.. god damn its been a rough week.
I feel you, everyone has tehse types of feelings...maybe not your exact situation, but everyone has family problems...if you live for yourself and fulfill your potential, then you are living truly free, and for yourself anyways, so do it and dont worry. If you are happy they will gravitate back to you. It will all work out, and if it doesnt then know that we all have to live our own lives, and you cant let other's opinions hold you back, they dont mean anything. at all.
Yesterday i was having a very bad thinking about alot of things going wrong in my life/family. For instance im so scared cause i thought my mom had a serious drug problem, ate a bean and as it was coming on got to talking to her about everything and i found out she's really not that bad off and she's got a good head on her shoulders, but oxy is one hell of a drug and can take control, but she handles it really well. After that the bean just seemed to make everything right in my head with the people that im close with. maybe ya need a good roll every once and a while. Good luck with your dad bro, just try to get into stuff he likes and he'll most likely learn more about pot or start asking a bunch of questions(like my dad did about growing and a few other things) just takes time.
thanks for the comments guys, appreciate it. I roll every month or so haha, and that's never changed anything family-wise (was only around family while rollin once). and as for my dad... he won't change his mind, or try to learn something, trust me on that ahaha. He has mentioned growing though, anytime he does I jump on the chance to convince him since he's thinkin bout it.