I live in a world of imaginary scenarios in which I physically feel and fear the judgement of everyone in line of sight. I avoid making contact with friends and family while longing for their presence. I live in a prison created by the guilt I feel for those I've hurt and those who have hurt me. I have built this wall layer by layer over the course of my life. The other side of me is constantly trying to break out. It always has. Early on, when the wall didn't have so many layers, that side was around more. He was a major part of my life. Still, there was always a darkness pulling me back inside. One night I was sitting at the bar of a regular watering hole. I had been feeling a bit distorted. This guy caught my attention. It was his hair. He kept looking at this old guy a couple stools down from me. Eventually I ended up next to the old guy and we started talking. It was a long conversation. I can remember the thoughts I was having while talking to him more than I can remember the conversation. I swear that I'm cursed to live within this wall forever, because it was only after talking to him that I realized that I was being given a chance to posess the tool to tear the motherfucker down forever. He introduced himself to me as "You can call me Thor". Like I said, I barely remember the conversation, but something hit me right there. I found myself trying to figure out who I should be to this guy while begging myself not to do it. The more he talked, sadness welled up inside me. I kept feeling jolts of light at certain points. Two of them tattooed themselves in my mind. It wasn't like a light coming on... It was a jolt of light. It was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I found myself being the real me... both sides joined for the first time since I can remember. Happiness welled into tears as I cried for the person I had become and the one I was destroying. Instantly, I was safely behind my wall. All of the truths that were revealed to me - the faces and places unknown and faded within dreams that haunt you like the memory of warmth on cold nights, faded away as I blocked the light... denied it welcome into my reality. Even then he reached out with a simple truth that I was fully capable of making real. It was simple. I can remember how quickly I decided which side to choose. I looked him dead in the eye. I shed all reasonable thought. I ran a hateful sword through my own soul. I stood high and proud upon my pedestal of denial. I spat in the face of everything I want to be, and told him "I can't do that".