Depression

Discussion in 'General' started by Luvdabuddah, May 17, 2004.

  1. Well folks I am alive...no thanks to ME of course. Last monday it all came to a head. i took 30 mg of ativan...all i could think of was how much i jus wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. even tho i am a nurse i could not see how bad my depression was...and my poor bf got the brunt of it...i had to blame SOMEONE for the way i was feeling and he was closest to me and loved me the most. but in the end he saved my life...when he got home i was sleeping...well almost dead not quit convulsing but starting to foam at the mouth. he picked me up carried me out of the house and to the E R we went...i do not rememerb any of last monday or tuesday. i remember rippin my iv out and bein pissed off for being saved and making ME fail AGAIN!!! wtf! any way i got to spend 24 hours on suicide watch then 96 hours in the looney bin. the experience was quit surreal to me at first...by the midddle of the 2nd day in the looney bin my new meds kicked in...i woke up and noticed how beautiful the sky and flowers an trees and jus everything was. unfuckinbelievable how depressed i was...i feel like i have a 2nd chance at life and i thank God for it. i NEVER want to feel that way again. noone saw it coming and i mean noone..not even my psychologist whom i "thought" i was being very open with...well i was about everything else but me and how i felt. it is so easy to recognize someone elses depression but when it came to me and my feelings...it was someone else "making" me feel that way! RIIIIIIGHT!anyway
    i missed ya's! glad i am here to tell about it...my new doc asked me how i felt about what i did. all i could say was i feel awful for how it made my family and friends feel but i am so happy that i finally got the help i need...im still on the same med lexapro but they added 2 more to worlk with it and to this day every time i wake up i am amazed that i am happy about it!!....very surprising to me becoz i had for gotten how it felt to be happy like i said in my last "fuck off" post the day i did it....i hated life and MJ dint even help at that point...but i burned a nice fatty the day i got out and i knew my friend was back and here to stay!!!!
    so GOOD morning to you all....and of course God Bless!
    PEACE!!! toke on!!!:smoke:
     
  2. Iv been in the same siutation what you gatta do is look ur self in the mirror and say its my turn, dont ever try to kill your self again!, pm me talk to us city members we will get you happy, never resort to that again!, I bet you gave ur hubby a huge fking scare, your very lucky, and remember to always talk to people when ur feeling that way I just pm'ed you my phone number, my name is alec and im a great listener that is bi-polar and knows how you feel
     
  3. thx ideal for your thoughts n prayers ...life IS amazin and im happy to know that again!!
    toke on :smoke:
     
  4. glad youre alive, it sucks when suicide seems like a viable option. I had to have the barrel of my sigsauer p229 in my mouth to figure that out. I just sat there for a second and thought... "wtf are you doing, this is silly. you only miss your friends, hardly an honorable reason to kill yourself." i told my parents and then i went to a psychologist. the psych actually facilitated me into being more neurotic (i'm a hypochondriac so a little knowledge is a dangerous thing) but I realized that even though i wasn't afraid to die, I didn't need to actively help the process along. I became indifferent to death and thought what ever will be will be. The depression mostly went away, true suicidal thoughts have only come back once but it was easily pushed away.

    Good man your bf is, I'd smoke him out every morning :)
     

  5. i realized that 2 only after i got meds that worked tho of course! but i guess when i was in the ER i was MF'n everyone in site tellin em to jus give me a bit more an quite makin me a failure i didnt need help at that...lmao i am sure glad i am alive to laugh bout it now ;) but i wasnt at the time...it is definitely no laughin matter but some of the things i did when i was out of it sounds funny now. i never understood much about what ppl got off doin pills and how they didnt remember 1/2 the shit goin on now i know but no desire to even take muh pain pills now...tylenol seems to help for now! and i'm ok with that lol...
    thankz misfit :) (((backatcha!!)))
    peace!
    toke on :smoke:
     
  6. forgot to comment on the bf lol ;)
    he is truly amazin and i am so happy to actually feel love again...AND i am very glad that he love's me so much coz i know if "I" woulda been him i woulda ran well over 6 montha ago but now we have a new start he is so supportive and i couldn't see that b4 i jus thought dude's tryin to make me do shit i dont want to do and i was so hateful and "untouchable" i thought i hated sex and everything lol ...thank you thank you thank you for those lovely new pills lol coz i do LOVE sex lol yeahhhhhhhh!!!
    toke on :smoke:
     


  7. lol me too... on the upside, the nuthouse was fun right? they should call it a fun house really

    Good thing he wasn't too late on getting you to the hospital.... pills are a painful way to go... Honestly, there really isn't any good way to make yourself leave...... except naturally
     
  8. (((((Karma))))))

    I'm glad you're ok.
     
  9. omg!! i just typed a shit load of stuff and it said ur image somethin or other :( ne hoo funhouse indeed!had fun there was one nurse who i disliked extremely @1st she like gave me shit my 1st nite when adam was leavin and for some reason she couldnt spit it out she was like " oh uh hey uh omy you? hey there ummm :O you cant uh err u cant have intercourse in here!" i was like "scuse me? what did u say?fuck off man" at that point adam had only kissed me on the cheek lmfao so bein i really still wasnt back 2 good i slapped a big ole wet one on him made sure she saw tongue n all and was like " and THAT ain't even close to sex....ya fucken bitch" adam whispers in my ear please be GOOD they won't let you come home friday if you're not....rotflmao so ne hoo me bein the way i was kinna labeled her a #1 bitch but then the last nite i was there she says "i need to talk to you later" (for some reason she waited to say anything to me until he was there :smoking: and i said well i got time what do u want shes like lookin at the ceiling at that point... no. when he's gone...so that had us both wondering lol he was like you better call me and tell me wtf thats all about...turned out she jus wanted to know how i felt bout what i had done and was real down to earth probably even a toker ;) there was yet another lesson for me ..maybe even 2nd and 3rd impressions may not even be good either...she coulda been me b4 may 10 lol so i am tryin real hard to think of that and indeed i am lucky adam got there when he did coz all they got when they pumped me was the red cream soda i swallowed em with! so they thought at 1st is was a DMX OD lmao!! yikes!
    thankz (((Hempress))) need all i can get!
    toke on :smoke:
     

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