Chuck Norris!!

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by Pink Oddity, Apr 3, 2006.

  1. Here's 100 Chuck Norris jokes.
    I know there was already a thread like this, but a majority of these are diff.
    <TABLE class="top100 border"><TBODY><TR><TD>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.</TD><TD>382</TD><TD>7.526</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.</TD><TD>358</TD><TD>7.486</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.</TD><TD>257</TD><TD>7.404</TD></TR><TR><TD>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.</TD><TD>137</TD><TD>7.343</TD></TR><TR><TD>It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.</TD><TD>98</TD><TD>7.327</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.</TD><TD>120</TD><TD>7.300</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.</TD><TD>122</TD><TD>7.278</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris can divide by zero.</TD><TD>146</TD><TD>7.274</TD></TR><TR><TD>When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>198</TD><TD>7.273</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.</TD><TD>129</TD><TD>7.271</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. </TD><TD>205</TD><TD>7.268</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.</TD><TD>154</TD><TD>7.266</TD></TR><TR><TD>If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.</TD><TD>146</TD><TD>7.253</TD></TR><TR><TD>If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.</TD><TD>151</TD><TD>7.245</TD></TR><TR><TD>Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.</TD><TD>155</TD><TD>7.245</TD></TR><TR><TD>Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.</TD><TD>147</TD><TD>7.238</TD></TR><TR><TD>They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.</TD><TD>111</TD><TD>7.216</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.</TD><TD>44</TD><TD>7.205</TD></TR><TR><TD>When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. </TD><TD>125</TD><TD>7.192</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. </TD><TD>284</TD><TD>7.190</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.</TD><TD>122</TD><TD>7.188</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.</TD><TD>113</TD><TD>7.185</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."</TD><TD>130</TD><TD>7.184</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.</TD><TD>155</TD><TD>7.180</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris</TD><TD>119</TD><TD>7.176</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.</TD><TD>110</TD><TD>7.172</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.</TD><TD>94</TD><TD>7.170</TD></TR><TR><TD>If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>89</TD><TD>7.168</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. </TD><TD>96</TD><TD>7.166</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. </TD><TD>151</TD><TD>7.166</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.</TD><TD>86</TD><TD>7.162</TD></TR><TR><TD>Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>100</TD><TD>7.160</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".</TD><TD>186</TD><TD>7.156</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.</TD><TD>122</TD><TD>7.155</TD></TR><TR><TD>Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.</TD><TD>136</TD><TD>7.154</TD></TR><TR><TD>At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris</TD><TD>111</TD><TD>7.153</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.</TD><TD>108</TD><TD>7.148</TD></TR><TR><TD>If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.</TD><TD>102</TD><TD>7.137</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.</TD><TD>92</TD><TD>7.130</TD></TR><TR><TD>A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.</TD><TD>93</TD><TD>7.129</TD></TR><TR><TD>As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.</TD><TD>38</TD><TD>7.105</TD></TR><TR><TD>Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.</TD><TD>116</TD><TD>7.103</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris can speak braille.</TD><TD>200</TD><TD>7.100</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.</TD><TD>122</TD><TD>7.098</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.</TD><TD>74</TD><TD>7.081</TD></TR><TR><TD>Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.</TD><TD>90</TD><TD>7.078</TD></TR><TR><TD>The French surrender to Chuck Norris every day at 2pm.</TD><TD>51</TD><TD>7.078</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.</TD><TD>194</TD><TD>7.077</TD></TR><TR><TD>Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.</TD><TD>123</TD><TD>7.073</TD></TR><TR><TD>The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.</TD><TD>112</TD><TD>7.071</TD></TR><TR><TD>We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.</TD><TD>135</TD><TD>7.067</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.</TD><TD>110</TD><TD>7.054</TD></TR><TR><TD>If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.</TD><TD>101</TD><TD>7.050</TD></TR><TR><TD>The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>108</TD><TD>7.046</TD></TR><TR><TD>The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".</TD><TD>117</TD><TD>7.043</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.</TD><TD>76</TD><TD>7.039</TD></TR><TR><TD>Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.</TD><TD>98</TD><TD>7.031</TD></TR><TR><TD>A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>103</TD><TD>7.029</TD></TR><TR><TD>When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.</TD><TD>87</TD><TD>7.023</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".</TD><TD>108</TD><TD>7.019</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.</TD><TD>113</TD><TD>7.018</TD></TR><TR><TD>When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.</TD><TD>61</TD><TD>7.016</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.</TD><TD>136</TD><TD>7.015</TD></TR><TR><TD>The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>85</TD><TD>7.012</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.</TD><TD>92</TD><TD>7.011</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.</TD><TD>106</TD><TD>7.000</TD></TR><TR><TD>If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.</TD><TD>70</TD><TD>7.000</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.</TD><TD>69</TD><TD>7.000</TD></TR><TR><TD>Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.</TD><TD>100</TD><TD>6.990</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.</TD><TD>94</TD><TD>6.978</TD></TR><TR><TD>Herbal Essences contains traces of Chuck Norris' musk. That is why it makes women scream.</TD><TD>34</TD><TD>6.971</TD></TR><TR><TD>Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.</TD><TD>92</TD><TD>6.967</TD></TR><TR><TD>The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.</TD><TD>27</TD><TD>6.963</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only thing he said after this incident was, "Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies."</TD><TD>69</TD><TD>6.956</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris</TD><TD>90</TD><TD>6.955</TD></TR><TR><TD>When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.</TD><TD>90</TD><TD>6.955</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.</TD><TD>88</TD><TD>6.943</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.</TD><TD>88</TD><TD>6.943</TD></TR><TR><TD>Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.</TD><TD>78</TD><TD>6.936</TD></TR><TR><TD>When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.</TD><TD>85</TD><TD>6.929</TD></TR><TR><TD>The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.</TD><TD>79</TD><TD>6.924</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.</TD><TD>95</TD><TD>6.915</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.</TD><TD>70</TD><TD>6.900</TD></TR><TR><TD>When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.</TD><TD>86</TD><TD>6.895</TD></TR><TR><TD>One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.</TD><TD>88</TD><TD>6.886</TD></TR><TR><TD>Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?" </TD><TD>106</TD><TD>6.877</TD></TR><TR><TD>In some states Chuck Norris must remain naked due to concealed weapon laws.</TD><TD>48</TD><TD>6.875</TD></TR><TR><TD>Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>55</TD><TD>6.873</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.</TD><TD>70</TD><TD>6.871</TD></TR><TR><TD>In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>108</TD><TD>6.870</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.</TD><TD>73</TD><TD>6.863</TD></TR><TR><TD>Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.</TD><TD>103</TD><TD>6.854</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.</TD><TD>72</TD><TD>6.847</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids. </TD><TD>109</TD><TD>6.816</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.</TD><TD>85</TD><TD>6.788</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."</TD><TD>84</TD><TD>6.786</TD></TR><TR><TD>When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.</TD><TD>103</TD><TD>6.757</TD></TR><TR><TD>Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.</TD><TD>206</TD><TD>6.757</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris has a mullet. Laugh about it, he fucking dares you.</TD><TD>56</TD><TD>6.714</TD></TR><TR><TD>Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
    (Straight from the website, lol. Enjoy.)
  2. who the fuck is chuck norris?

  3. please tell me you are joking or not from the US.

  4. I'm live in Portugal but Chuck Norris still hit me...

    EDIT: Just noticed he is from Texas (tx?)

    PMSL! :D
  5. i was actually trained by chuck himself. i am brown belt in tang soo do.
  6. haha there are some new ones i havnt read before like this 1, When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life. haha these jokes are great
  7. "Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris walked on Jesus." Lol
  8. haha i have read em ALL before and i STILL laugh when i read those

    :D pink, if i could i would have given you SO much rep today but i have to spread some around
  9. chuck norris is so mad about these jokes he doesnt even understand them
  10. James Brown laughs at how small Chuck Norris' dick is... and there's nothing Chuck can do about it!
  11. lol for all of you WOWarcraft players.. this one is for u..

    so someone on my server gets in touch w/ a gm by sayin he had an in-game issue ..

    so the convo starts and the kid says well i was just wondering "what happens when the immovable object blocks the unstoppable force"...

    ..a few seconds later the GM responds with "chuck norris dies"
  12. the ones from teh original post i had heard before, but lots of these are new to me. good post.
  13. That shit is so funny I found that site with all the jokes on it a while back..... priceless. JOE>:)
  14. I thought these were funny until I start hearing them EVERYWHERE.

    I was a huge Chuck Norris fan up until the Norris craze started. Just another example of pop culture ruining something I love.
  15. chuck norris does not go hunting, for the term hunting implies that he might not be successful, Chuck Norris goes Killing.
  16. Does anybody know how to get to San Jose?

    Chuck Norris Does!

  17. this is weird, i was randomly looking for mr. norris on google and came across the same stuff, and then i go to GC and i see a chuck norris thread,
    pretty weird...
  18. I know how you feel, but i try to think of it like this, im into things before they are widley accepted into pop culture, but once the media get a hold of something ive been into for awhile it always makes me laugh to myself about how twisted things are. PEople who are "the popular crowd" people who make fun of me for being a "hippy stoner" are biting my stlye, just adding to the list of reasons why they are the retarted ones.

    It does piss me off, because I havent been able to wear a trucker hat since ashton kutcher thought it was cool, i used to have some sick true redneck hats.

    John Deere has become the coolest tractor brand ever, but how many people who wear the gear actually ride a deere? i know i do.

    I had a jesus is my homeboy hat freshman year of high school that was like 2001, i had lots of other gear from urban outfitters and teenage millionaire back then, but now everyone and their mother has a shirt with a clever message on it. junior year i would still break the hat out on ocasion becasue not many people had been onto at my school yet, but then one day i walked into my math class and this girl had the shirt on and this was a girl who i would talk to on a semi-regular basis, and i go "nice shirt" and she goes "wow you have the hat, how funny" yea bitch ive had this shit since freshman year.

    THere are so many other things, i know how you feel, it makes me upset too. But you have to look at it and laugh ultimatley, because the "pop" culture is being stolen from underground scenes long after its been popularized by a group other than the boy band listening MTV loving scenester tools.

    But something like chuck norris will always be funny to me deep down inside me somewhere regardless.

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