I have felt for a time that a 'life lesson' I'm supposed to learn is to not feel a compulsion to talk/converse, or 'teach' though i hate that word, and it does not give the impression I desire. I find i difficult to not talk to others about the things I learn and realize. So, recently I got sick, and eventually lost my voice from excessive coughing. I could hardly make any noise. If I tried to speak, it just sounded terrible and wouldnt even come out right. So, this was bothersome. I am not going to be able to speak to others, at least much. I then decided to look at it as an opportunity to live life without speech, well much of it. First, the struggle of having days of insight without bein able to speak of it. It is difficult for me to not speak of insights. Before long, I noticed an alteration to the nature of my interactions with others. A certain human respect seemed to grow, my presence seemingly felt more. People WANTING to hear my words, listening closely when I speak. My voice is mostly better now, but my speech patterns seem to have legitimately changed. I dont have the same types of or levels of compulsion to say everything. Now I'm trying to observe the consciously chosen reduction of speech, observe my insides as insight arises and wants to express, and I try to feel it, while cultivating patience. What is meant to be spoken will be, one way or another.
I'm the exact opposite. I feel my life lesson is to learn to embrace that compulsion to talk because I've so long denied it to myself. I have so much I want to say but I don't. It's some sort of fear. I'm not sure what kind of experience will force me to talk though. I'll find it though. You'll see.
Interesting. I actually most of my life was that way. Then something clicked in me, and my whole life direction kinda took off in a certain way. One of intense searching for truth, that has continued since. As I learned, I wanted to improve my level of understanding, while communicating with others about it all. Over time, I gained more and more confidence in my understanding. One of my greatest joys is being able to openly communicate with and connect with others. Yet my desire to progress my mind so quickly, and discuss what I learn along the way, seems to always cause problems with the people in my life. I actually feel it is my 'purpose' to pursue these things, speak publically, write, 'teach,' whatever. Yet at the same time, circumstances involving the particulars in my life have tended to push me away from that, to bring me down so to speak. So, that being said, what I describe in OP is probably more of a temporary life lesson, as opposed to one for my entire life. I feel the main reason for what I describe is that I am supposed to learn to enjoy the simple things of 'normal' life, before I can continue further down my path, in terms of the external reality.
Though I've learned a lot, I've yet to have that click. Your post here has actually made me think about this in a way I'm not sure I have before. I think part of why I am so reluctant to go out on a limb, so to speak, is because of my fear of the implications it may have on those in my life. I only think of this now though because being able to speak in such a way has always been a grass is always greener type of thing, of which I've only been on one side. I don't know if I'm making sense. I really do want to be able to express myself in a more public manner, those thoughts I feel so strongly in my soul. I want to inspire. Simply thinking about this in another way I think is bringing me closer to what it is I'm trying to realize in myself, so thanks for sharing.
Every time you reveal yourself here you are publicly doing just that. It may be speaking with fingers but it is still speaking, and it is preparing you for those moments when you will speak of these things with the voice. @ Journey I have gone through several periods when I no longer wanted/felt able to speak. I would occasionally write a few words on a piece of paper, but mostly went about my life in silence. I got to appreciate why spiritual seekers take silence seriously, and why some of them make a vow to keep it. Eventually I found myself wanting to write on paper more and more, and realised that I'd gone as far as I could with it. It really made a difference deciding not to reveal everything in the way I was, but like all things, they have their timing. What at first was a blessing not to always feel the need to speak or feel the expectation to, became a burden as the 'rule' began to stop me from expressing myself appropriately. Having found the silence beneficial. Having reached another level of inner stillness. I was now ready to reveal myself from it, and in the moment, speaking words clearly always seems to make the most sense.
Sometimes I feel that the things I realise are a kind of energy. Sometimes I choose to channel it straight out in a way that doesn't always serve me. I can forget that what I receive is for me first and needs to be assimilated. Simply revealing the unassimilated insight because of the feeling of relevance that comes with it often has effects that are not easily reconciled. Learning to recognise that what comes to me is for me and me alone, and working with it FIRST helps put into perspective what it is and makes what I later choose to reveal different in ways that don't produce as many of those unexpected events. It's like in revealing things 'too soon' I do neither of us a service. I haven't reflected on and considered what they mean to me, and in revealing things in a 'raw way' as it were, I make it more likely that what others will take from it will not be what I intended them to.
I agree with what you say about the shifts between silence and expression, with writing serving as some sort of relevent medium in the process. Very recently, i have been trying to literally detach from english, by thinking and writing seriously in other languages, as well as pure numbers and pure 'essences.' I have been using the hebrew alphabet and gematria as the most essential aspect of how I express this all. So i have sheets of paper wih hebrew writing, combined with english, other languages, and math, laying all over my room. Haha
Mm, some could, but unlikely anyone that would actually see them lol. Beyond being able to read it, seeing the meaning and significance would be harder yet. I feel it has given me inisght into and appreciation of what kaballists have been doing for centuries/milenia.
as i would experience revelations, the feelings of a less denser reality were so alive that i would express to those around me almost immediately and exasperatedly but now i see they werent meant to be shared right away.. those are my insights and what i needed at that moment, they will forever stay with me as i nestle into this new paradigm, the thoughts that i need to share with others will come to me in the same way those insights i needed appeared. effortlessly and timely