With beer next to me and cigarette in hand i start to contemplate many things. How does one come about peace without meditation? Can it be acquired through personal exploration? is it possible to truly be at peace? what does it even mean to be at peace? I have had some mental shit go one in my 20 years of living and I must say, many things continue to baffle me and still will to come as i grow older. But one thing seems to remain constant. An ever compelling force to which i must contend with. It says i am doomed, though i hope i am not. I wish for a chill life. Growing stuff, selling said stuff, and just living a good life. Not being a bad person, using the money from said sales to help the community when i feel i can get by without the few extra dollars i have gathered. I long for a reality where things don't go super duper well, but they don't go horrific either. I just want to live an "average" life. Atleast as average as the public can know without possibly trying to get rid of me. I don't have many close friends, and I'm cool with that. Less people to maintain. I do wish though that I had some more people I could talk to about deep stuff. Stuff that most people might not find "awesome" I am content with the amount of people I have supporting me however, for the time being. Alas this whimsical persona everyone seems to have put up always keeps my on my toes. Almost to the point of paranoia. But not quite. Just alert. And in a way, I wish I didn't have to be alert all the time. I wish to live outside of the box while still being able to return when i feel it necessary. Possibly going around the world a few times before I hit old age. it seems as though life will never really show me what it is i am meant for. Weather it be a normal life, or something of the extraordinary. Or maybe all in due time. One can never know. I feel that has been my flaw all this time. I have seen myself as something entirely different then what i am. And that is that I am an odd individual. Not a monstrosity, just odd. And with the odd, comes the magical world of.....what? I mean if i was a normal person (which to the general public i am) i'd just go to work, go home, sleep. Buuuut, no. It's very strange how my thought process works. I catch myself completing people sentences when they cannot find the right word for it. I catch myself examining everyone to a T when high as hell around people i do not know. I am aware that I blame life for my misfortune when in fact most of the time it is because of my own doing. I really do wish to become someone that people can look up to, even when they do know I do drugs. I would like for people to be able to be comfortable with me when i am in my natural state. I know it is not possible ,and I do not fight that. But can a person simply wish? I like to please people, because when gernal humans are happy, I am happy. I like to know i helped someone obtain happiness through my hands. I really do sometimes feel like a ghost just trying to help humanity along with its current endeavors. I do not find myself to be a bad person. I do have flaws like everyone else, But at my very core, at the deepest part of me, I am a good person. I do wish to know certain trials that i should probably not want to know, but I am compelled to try and learn as much about human emotion as possible. As there are some I seem (key word) to not be capable of. May i now float on to the next reality where I may start to learn?
Thanks for sharing that. All in good time my friend I think you have the right attitude to find what you seek, just try not to limit yourself with thoughts of 'I can never' or 'I will never'. They just help to ensure it takes longer. The fact that you feel you're an odd individual is good in my book - who wants to be like everyone else anyway? We need people who want to live outside the box. My guess is you already do, on some level, and if you keep holding that intention, together with the attitude you have, you'll realise things when you're ready to see them.
The thing that had brought me peace on a consistent basis is working in a helping profession. Find something you love to do and give back....that is how you can achieve your peace in everyday life, imo.