I'm at a crossroads again. My uncle came for a visit earlier. He needed to talk to me. This is my mom's brother. Recently he got a promotion and moved into a larger house near where my brother used to live. His kids are grown and living on their own. He knows my financial situation is not the best and now that Scott is gone there is less money coming in. The kids get a little money from social security and from the tribe. That money is sacrosanct. It is only used for the kids and their needs. I keep a ledger on every dime spent. My new online job doesn't pay as well as I like and it's a struggle right now. So we talked and he pointed all this out to me. Then he went on to say that he loves the kids and he and the wife both enjoy spending time with them. They are adorable after all. He wants to raise them. He's only 51 so he is young enough and healthy enough to see this through. They have more opportunities and they get to go to their old school and be with their friends. My uncle buys them clothes and toys all the time. He spoils them rotten. His kids are exceptional people. There were times I wished he was my dad and my dad was wonderful. I told him I would talk to the kids and see what they wanted. After all it is their lives being affected. They love my uncle and his wife. They spend the night all the time hosting sleep overs with their old friends. Right now they share a room here but at the new house they would have their own rooms. It's a fenced in yard with no river access. I'm always worried they're going to wander down to the river and drown. I talked to them and they were so excited. They wanted to move right away. But, here's the kicker. After about 10 minutes of celebration (me hiding tears) they asked when we would be moving. They actually thought I would be moving with them. I explained that I had a house and would stay here. Now they don't want to go. I have talked until I'm blue in the face and they still won't budge. Once again I'm at a loss and have no clue how to proceed. It's not like they're moving to the moon. It's only about 50 miles away. They don't want to leave me by myself. It would break my heart to see them go but I want what's best for them. Right now they need familiarity. It's been a rough two years for them and I want them to be happy. They need their old friends and their old stomping grounds to get some kind of normality back into their lives. My uncle said this wasn't the best environment for them to grow up in and I'm afraid I have to agree. Especially after what happened with Scott. His asshole friend is still trying to contact me. Do I continue trying to talk them into going? Do I force them to leave? Do I honor their wishes and let them stay? I love them so much but they need stability and right now I don't have that for them. Help? Again? Because I'm pathetic?
you aren't pathetic dude.. just going through some shit like we all do at times. What a tough situation this is man.. Can you maybe try it for a couple months and see how it goes? At least then the kids won't think it's such a permanent situation.. and if they love it and want to stay, then you're all good. If they hate it and want to come back, well maybe your situation will be a little better by then.. either way, there's no clear answer.. very tough spot you are in. all the best man..
they love you so much that they just threw away the exciting idea of moving to a larger home. and what's home without a parent anyway?
ohana. ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. home is two kids and op. op is the parent.
Who is this Scott? An ex-boyfriend? Why don't your kids live with their great uncle during weekday so they can go to their old school and be with their old friends and then stay with you on the weekends? Of course the prospect of leaving daddy would be distressing to any kid. You need to make the transition easier, by doing what I suggested above they can grow into liking the place and situation and may eventually want to stay for the weekends too.
My uncle like my mom is half Apache. They were raised traditional. He would be the natural person to raise them since they're from the same clan. My clan as well but I was raised Mormon so I don't know much about clan traditions. He can give them that. They lived there until my brother passed. Plus they can be near their older siblings. We had to split them up to care for them. There are five kids altogether. Their mother is crippled and being cared for by her family. (car accident that killed my brother and crippled her). They are Ute. They would have more access to their mother's family as well. I think I'm going to have to let them go. I like the idea of giving it a trial period. That way they have an option. I think they would feel more secure if they knew they could bail at any time. The nephew spent most of the summer in Towaoc with his mom's relatives and that didn't go over too well. I had to go get him before his return date. He was not amused. lol I'm going to propose a trial period to them after dinner (why didn't I think of this) and see how it goes. Right now they're doing homework. I make them do chores and homework before anything else. I'm evil.
Ex-fiance and someone the kids really liked. We had a falling out over one of his friends. Long story. I'm not their father . I'm their uncle. He was killed in an accident and we split the kids up to raise them. We're not a rich family. I can visit them from time to time but every weekend is out of the question. It's fifty miles and they're in the mountains. Once winter hits I won't be able to visit. I'm afraid it's all or nothing.
If you're not their dad then I would say 100% force them to live with your uncle. You know it would be a better life for them, it may upset them for a bit but I guarantee you soon they will be thanking you. Sorry to hear about your brother, that's awful.
I can't force them. They are individual human beings with opinions and rights like anyone else. I will persuade them but never force. My uncle wouldn't appreciate it either. My mom and my uncle were forced into boarding schools and treated like criminals. He would never condone forcing them to live with him. It has to be their choice. Period.
You poor thing... One thing after another The trial period is a great idea, I love that you're against the idea of forcing them to leave. I think that the other house could be a good environment for them though. How old are they?
I dont know about traditions in tribes,and no offence maybe he meant well. But id be raging if someone pointed out my state if affairs and then in the next breath wanting to take my kids- If he feels that strongly about helping them,and loving them.well nothing stopping him from helping out financially and keeping them with you. Hell would freeze over before anything split me from my kids when i eventually have them. Lol Sent from my SM-T210 using Grasscity Forum mobile app
I put the kids to bed after we talked. The trial period was a great idea. Thank you. They were all for it. They decided to move in with my uncle. It was sad and we cried. My niece kept patting my face and telling me it was going to be o.k. She is a sweetheart. I call her my little dolii (bluebird) I feel good about this. It really think this is best for everyone. It was a group decision and I think we're going to be o.k. I'm going to lonely but I know they're an hour away if I need a munchkin fix. The move will happen this weekend. I've already talked to my uncle and he is so happy. He's bringing a U-Haul. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I'm a mess. I'm one crisis away from having a psychotic break. I can hear the little shits giggling. I'm going to have to be mean dad here in a second. lol Thank you AugustWest for the great idea. That was the deciding factor. I need a hug..... shit. God I'm going to miss them. But I feel in my heart it's the best thing for them. Anyone have some spare duct tape. I have a cracked soul to repair.
Bro aint nobody should be raising your kids but you. You got the dam things now gut up and take responsoibilitly. I would be outraged if anyone in my family ever suggested anything like that. Money situation tight? Well ask your uncle for money dude. Humble it up my man. Do what you gotta do. Just my perspective if it was me in your shoes. Im sure you will choose whatever you feel is best. Just own the choice you make my man.
despite our rather barbed opinions on my thread. I hope you succeed at making the best of life for you and you kids. You may not know me from a hole in the ground but as a fellow blade and friend you have my support
There's a reason why someone under 18 can't consent to sex with someone over 18. Kids often don't understand the course of their actions and are prone to make decisions that they will end up regretting. Now I am making 2 assumptions here: 1- You are in a horrible financial situation and can barely afford the kids necessities (you made it sound this way in your post) 2- The kids are under the age of 12 Your nephew's/niece's lost one family already and had to change homes and lives so of course they are going to be very anxious and against doing so again. They are children though, they don't understand that they will get as much love, affection, and security with their great uncle as they did their father before the freak accident. They are attached to you because you were the next one there for them when their parents passed. They are attached to the situation emotionally, not logically, much like any child. They're too young to understand how living with your uncle will give them a much better life with better opportunities including an opportunity to go to post secondary. So, I would respectfully disagree with what you said. I believe they are too young and their brains are too undeveloped for them to form an opinion and make a decision like that. That is why you are there as an adult to make the tough, yet best decisions. You're the one who is suppose to use logic over emotion, and sometimes the best thing is the hardest thing.
It doesn't work like that. I'm not the patriarch of the family. My uncle is. It's cliche to say but our ways are not your ways. Our family ties are completely different. He is the best choice for their happiness. They can be around their siblings and their old friends. This was not an easy decision for me. I have to honor my brother's wish to raise them traditionally and I'm not the one to do it. Their heritage is very important. I was not raised that way. I can't give them what they need. They have more family there and all their friends. You don't think this is breaking my heart? The last two weeks have been a living hell and I'm slipping. I'm going to a bad place and I can't stop it. I'm starting to hear things and I've had a few visual hallucinations. I'm getting flashbacks and panic attacks more and more frequently. I'm really scared and I'm scared for them. I don't want them to see me like this. There isn't much left to hold on to. I love them with all my heart but I don't have the capacity to care for them anymore. I don't even know if I can take care of myself. I'm sorry that I've disappointed everyone. I have no defense or excuses. I just can't. I'm going to fall apart and I don't want them affected by it. The therapist said I need to check myself into the hospital and get back on the psych meds. I may just take her up on that after the kids leave.
Do what the kids want mate, they want to be with you, this may change later in life, but right now they want you. Don't go against their wishes. Sent from a used tampon, launched from Mars...
I know it's breaking your heart. But you're an adult, you need to make the best choice even if it is the most difficult. You will still see them and be part of their lives. I honestly think you are being way more dramatic about this than you need to be and soon you will see it's not all that big of a deal. Think about how much of your own life and time you will get back, and then you can still see them when you wish to make the trip up.