so i've been dating my girlfriend over a year, and she used to be awesome, and still is, but has also been more and more not awesome... so i wrote her a letter, and i feel like i could use some advice before i actually give it too her. it's probably a little too harsh as it is now.. i blanked the few names in it out, so here it is. OK, i've edited the letter once and i think it should be ready to give to her, but any advice it still welcome. "_____, I love you, you know that, but lately you have been increasingly difficult to deal with. I know I am not the perfect boyfriend, and if you want to talk about stuff that I do that I shouldn’t then that’s fine, but right now I just want to talk about you. I’m writing a letter because anytime I try and talk to you about this in person you just shut down. Lately you have been guilt tripping me like crazy. It seems like every five minutes you try and pull another guilt trip on me. A lot of it is over stuff that is just so absolutely ridiculous too. I know this happened a while ago, and I’m not trying to bring it up again to make you feel bad about it, it’s just a perfect example. When we were having sex you mentioned joking about sex with _______, and I said it made me feel a little uncomfortable, and you for the next hour or so after that tried to pull a massive guilt trip on me because I said you talking about sex with the guy my ex cheated on me with while you and I are having sex made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. Something that I probably should have, or at least could have made a big deal about, but I didn’t I just said it made me feel uncomfortable, and you tried to make me feel like crap for it. Don’t try and deny that either. If the same thing had happened except in reverse you definitely would have made a huge deal out of it, which you still somehow managed to do anyways. Apparently I’m still a little upset about that, so I’m sorry for still being upset I guess, but I think it’s pretty understandable how I might be slightly upset over something that ridiculous. That’s just one particularly good example of your guilt trips though, they happen much more frequently and less dramatically too. Like when you make me feel guilty about hanging out with friends. That’s seriously text book uncool girlfriend move #1. I’m not just saying that, if you ask any guy what’s the worst thing a girlfriend can do (besides cheating on you) that’s it. You try and guilt trip me every time I hang out with my friends, and it’s not cool! Like tonight, I explained to you I feel bad for not texting you back, it’s not that I’m ignoring you, I just don’t notice your texts. Either I don’t have my phone with me, or I don’t notice it vibrate, and I’m doing something like playing video games. Yet you somehow took from that, that I wanted you to leave me alone, which I don’t, and you got mad at me for not responding to your texts. I know you’re tired of hearing that, but I’m equally tired of you getting upset with me for spending time with my friends. It doesn’t bother me when you text me when I’m with my friends, it doesn’t even bother me when you text me a bunch, I just ask that you try not to get upset if I accidentally miss a text or two, or don’t reply instantly. You always shut down and cry and say I make you feel like shit over stupid things. Sometimes I’m a dick, I know, I’m sorry, and sometimes I am joking around, and don’t mean any harm, but still am unintentionally somewhat of a dick, but then other times you just get upset over absolutely nothing, and then try and make me feel bad for it. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings ever, I’m sorry for when I do, but I feel like your reactions to it is you just trying to make me feel really guilty about it. You also have a terrible, horrible, stressful day every single day, usually for no reason! I mean literally every single day, and you would be upset to the point of tears, sometimes you would have a reason or two to be stressed and upset, but most of the time they weren’t nearly as bad as your reaction to them, and often you would have no reason at all. It got a little better for a short period of time, but it seems to be getting worse again. I don’t know what to do when you’re like this either, because no matter what I do to try and cheer you up, you just manage to turn it negative. No matter how awesome or amazing I am you just shoot every single thing down, and if I get tired of you constantly being unbelievably pessimistic you start crying and try and make me feel bad for it yet again. I know I am leaving at the end of the summer and that you are really upset about that, and I realize that might be one of the reasons you are stressed and upset every day when there doesn’t seem to be any good reason for you to feel that way, and I know it sucks I’m leaving, but we still have a good amount of time left with each other, and I want that time to be happy, not stressed and upset. You dislike a lot of people, for seemingly no reason, and it’s to the point where I feel like your irrational dislike of all these people is affecting my life. No I’m not talking about _____, or any of the people you actually have reasons to dislike, but for every person you actually have a reason to dislike it seems as if there are even more that you don’t. I understand not everyone is always nice to you, but that’s the way the world works. If every time anyone acted a little dickish towards someone else they disliked them for the rest of their life then no one in the world would have a single friend. People say and do things that might piss you off occasionally, and you do things that might piss other people off occasionally, but you have to let the small stuff slide, and if you piss someone else off you have to understand that most of the time they will also let the small stuff slide and aren’t going to hate you forever. I am sorry for putting all this stuff on you like this, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. I’m not mad at you, and I’m not trying to make you feel like crap. I am not going to leave you or anything crazy like that, it’s just really tough to deal with you at times. I love you baby." i know it's a long read, sorry about that, any advice is appreciated though.
fuckin shit man. girls are all the same. I have no advice for you but I can relate. Why the fuck is it that chicks get stressed about the littlest things for no reason? and here I am happy as a mothafuckin clam and we got ms. can't-handle-her-shit crying because the dog won't play with her. fuck.
I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive but the bolded made me laugh. I'm sorry about your troubles, OP. I think the letter is fine. It gives you an opportunity to say everything you need to say. Emotions get in the way when actually trying to express some things verbally, and we forget.
yeah if i were you i'd trim off some of the shit that she might take really offensively because if she does then she wont respond constructively to it like "bullshit that insanely ridiculous".. might be a little too strong and i would recommend approaching the stressed for no reason thing a little more lightly too.. because im sure that what you call "no reason" is actually stressing her out even if it shouldnt be so you might have to help her work through that and maybe let her know that youll help any way you can
Its a good first draft... try rewriting it, i find any time i write anything its much better the 2nd time around. Sounds like you still love this girl, but did she really cheat on you man? Might just be me (and maybe i just dont know enough about your situation), but i have no respect or love for cheaters.
Aaah different story then, word. I was gonna be like honestly man a girl who cheats is never worth that kind of effort. In this case though, i'd say go over the letter again. Make sure it says everything you want it to, but also make sure it's not too much... If she over reacts to things like you say she does, dont you think she'll over react to this?
she's a weird one, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't i've done something like this once before and it worked, she completely stopped a bunch of the stuff she was doing the very next day, and it stayed that way for a while, but a lot of the things are happening again. i know i have to edit out any profanity, if not she will just think i'm swearing at her and ignore everything else, but i'm sure there is some other stuff i could probably change as well to make it a little nicer. it's not supposed to be an angry letter, but sometimes that can be difficult.
I agree with this. It's very good that you're being blunt and assertive here, but you're also putting all of this on her as things you don't like about her that she needs to fix with the assumption that you're out if she doesn't. Try to word it a bit more carefully by letting her know that you're here for her to work through these things and you hope that this can bring you guys closer.
Hmmm I understand what you're saying but if I was on the receiving end of this letter, I would feel like shit that my man couldn't talk to me about it in person. You mentioned you can't though hence the letter but I believe communication is what strengthens a relationship. If I were you, I'd try to talk to her in person about it. Let her know you need to have a talk and you'd appreciate it if you could say everything you need to without being interrupted. Either way, I hope she realizes the shit she's doing and she stops all this ridiculous behavior before you walk out on her.
It's good.. And genuine.. And I understand it by it being in a letter.. That is, if you're sure you can't just say it to her in person - because you're going to have to give her the letter and she's going to have to read it and you're going to have to discuss it (regardless, right?)... I did something like this once, but I told the person about the letter and read it off.. May work out better that way so she can stop you and you can debrief one point at a time.. Honestly, I'm so glad I've never been like this.. Not all ladies are this way! I promise! .. And if it's been a year and you think it's worth it is. Usually it only takes picking at problems and talking for a good couple hours and things are fine.. This is what it's all about ( a relationship, communication, etc)..
while writing a response to you i think i may have just realized one of the major reasons for all of this... at the end of the summer i'm going to go to college and our relationship will be over, we've talked about it and both agreed not to do the long term thing. i think, well i know she is upset about that, and i think that might be causing a lot of this craziness lately. i don't plan on leaving her before i leave for college, but i want our last few months together to be happy. oh, and to actually respond to your post i've tried talking to her in person several times, it's not as much that she interrupts me it's more that she just shuts down. she'll start crying and she'll bury her head under a pillow and stuff. I appreciate all the advice everyone has given, i'm going to go and try and rewrite it now.
IMHO a sit down is always best, a letter just says your chicken shit and she will beat you with that letter the rest of your life. I always look at what the worst outcome could be and go from there. You not happy so if she leaves so does your issues, problem solved. If she says she understands it's out there to be resolved. Just don't make it all about you I'm sure she has some issues with you too so get those out. If you are up front with her always than your relationship will grow. If it is difficult for her to handle this than I sugest you reevaluate your relationship because what's going to happen when you have some real serious shit to discuss. Good luck and if this works out for you the make up sex will be great.
OK, i rewrote it, and i will post here the revised version with everything i took out red, and everything new in blue. i'll also edit my original post with just a plain version of the revised letter, in case that is easier to read. i think it's ready to be given to her now, but i'd still be very glad to receive any feedback on it. OK, that was a lot of editing, but i think i got it all, sorry if i missed anything. "_____, I love you, you know that, but lately you have been increasingly difficult to deal with. I know I am not the perfect boyfriend, and if you want to talk about stuff that I do that I shouldn't then that's fine, but right now I just want to talk about you. I'm writing a letter because anytime I try and talk to you about this in person you just shut down. Lately you have been guilt tripping the mother loving shit out of me.me like crazy. It seems like every five minutes you try and pull another guilt trip on me. A lot of it is over stuff that is just so absolutely ridiculous too. I know this happened a while ago, and I'm not trying to bring it up again to make you feel bad about it, it's just a perfect example. When we were having sex you mentioned joking about sex with _______, and I said it made me feel a little uncomfortable, and you for the next hour or so after that tried to pull a massive fucking guilt trip on me because I said you talking about sex with the guy my ex cheated on me with while you and I are having sex made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. Something that I probably should have, or at least could have made a big deal about, but I didn't I just said it made me feel uncomfortable, and you tried to make me feel like shit crap for it. Don't try and deny that either. If the same thing had happened except in reverse you sure as hell definitely would have made a giant fucking huge deal out of it, which you still somehow managed to do anyways. Apparently I'm still a little upset about that, so I'm sorry for still being upset I guess, but I think it's pretty understandable how I might be slightly upset over bullshit something that insanely ridiculous. That's just one particularly good example of your guilt trips though, they happen much more frequently and less dramatically too. Like when you make me feel guilty about hanging out with friends. That's seriously text book uncool girlfriend move #1. I'm not just saying that, if you ask any guy what's the worst thing a girlfriend can do (besides cheating on you) that's it. You try and guilt trip me every time I hang out with my friends, and it's not cool! Like tonight, I explained to you I feel bad for not texting you back, it's not that I'm ignoring you, I just don't notice your texts. Either I don't have my phone with me, or I don't notice it vibrate, and I'm doing something like playing video games. Yet you somehow took from that, that I wanted you to leave me alone, which I don't, and you got mad at me for not responding to your texts. I know you're tired of hearing that, but I'm equally tired of you getting upset with me for spending time with my friends. It doesn't bother me when you text me when I'm with my friends, it doesn't even bother me when you text me a bunch, I just ask that you try not to get upset if I accidentally miss a text or two, or don't reply instantly. You always shut down and cry and say I make you feel like shit over stupid fucking things. Sometimes I'm a dick, I know, I'm sorry, and sometimes I am joking around, and don't mean any harm, but still am unintentionally somewhat of a dick, but then other times you just get upset over absolutely nothing, and then try and make me feel bad for it. You always try and make me feel bad about everything I don't mean to hurt your feelings ever, I'm sorry for when I do, but I feel like your reactions to it is you just trying to make me feel really guilty about it. You also have a terrible, horrible, stressful day every single day, usually for NO FUCKING REASON! no reason! I mean literally every single day, and you would be upset to the point of tears, occasionally sometimes you would have a reason or two to be stressed and upset, but nowhere near most of the level that you were time they weren't nearly as bad as your reaction to them, and often you would have no reason at all. It got a little better for a short period of time, but it seems to be getting worse again. I don't know what to do when you're like this either, because no matter what I do to try and cheer you up, you just manage to turn it negative. No matter how awesome or amazing I am you turn everything to shit just shoot every single thing down, and if I get tired of you constantly being unbelievably pessimistic you start crying and try and make me feel bad for it yet again. _____ I love you, but you are really just getting harder and harder to deal with. You dislike so many I know I am leaving at the end of the summer and that you are really upset about that, and I realize that might be one of the reasons you are stressed and upset every day when there doesn't seem to be any good reason for you to feel that way, and I know it sucks I'm leaving, but we still have a good amount of time left with each other, and I want that time to be happy, not stressed and upset. You dislike a lot of people, for seemingly no reason, and it's to the point where I feel like your irrational dislike of all these people is affecting my life. No I'm not talking about _____, or any of the people you actually have reasons to dislike, but for every person you actually have a reason to dislike there are even more that you don't it seems as if there are even more that you don't. I understand not everyone is always nice to you, but that's the way the world works. If every time anyone acted a little dickish towards someone else they disliked them for the rest of their life then no one in the world would have a single friend. People say and do things that might piss you off occasionally, and you do things that might piss other people off occasionally, but you have to let the small stuff slide, and if you piss someone else off you have to understand that most of the time they will also let the small stuff slide and aren't going to hate you forever. I am sorry for putting all this stuff on you like this, I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I'm not mad at you, and I'm not trying to make you feel like crap. I am not going to leave you or anything crazy like that, it's just done really tough to deal with dealing with all of this constantly. you at times. I love you baby."
Much better man. Alot of the blue additions seemed like essential points. How are you planning on the delivery? I'd usually go for the surprise approach (as in somehow leave it on her pillow or someplace like a locker maybe (somewhere/thing she uses daily)) however that's usually with good things, like a gift or good letter, it might not work as well with this type of letter...
I think each letter is fine OP. If she can't take the time to read and understand your thoughts and feelings...well she just might not be worth your time. You sound more than reasonable. I'm a girl and I can totally understand what you said. Sometimes we need a reality check that we're acting like a stupid bitch. If it was me, I'd realize my mistakes and try to fix them. I'd be happy you brought it to my attention, I don't think anyone wants to make their partner miserable.
i finally got the opportunity to give this to my girlfriend. she shed a few tears, but nothing too dramatic, she didn't want to talk about it in person. i guess she didn't want to end up getting in a fight, or something. she said she would respond in letter form though. idk if it will make a difference in her behavior yet or not, but i think it will. at least for a while, but since i'm leaving at the end of the summer it only has to last for a while, so that's all good.
Good to hear brother, glad it went well... I guess its good that shes writing a letter, better then here shutting down like you described right? Anyways its easier to compose thoughts and put them on paper... i find it can be difficult in a conversation to remember everything you wanted to say.