A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
This is for the two or three people in the world that might have missed it the first time. Sarah Palin's rambling resignation speech as AK governor, read as beat poetry by William Shatner:
An Iranian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars. “The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the Iranian, “and I have all the necessary papers.” The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the Iranian leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Iranian man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
me high af wondering if this is a legit newscast or not If so, all of those library ladies are high af lmao
The library kid should be put up for a Webbie imo. I haven't laughed that hard since the "1000" guy in the Onion's HP/cloud spoof: