I'm having a hard time as of recently and basically this whole past year and just need some room to vent. 20 years old, I was in my third year at a prestigious technical school majoring in film/video/animation. After losing one of my close friends to suicide my senior year in high school, my entire outlook on life became shifted to a bleak future with no real positive outlook. I started getting heavy into weed and smoking as my release for everything in life that was fucked in my view. I started fucking up in my classes and failed a few and got Ds in another few. I was admitted back into school under this "restoration program" that is supposed to help you get your grades back up and lets you take less credits to get back on track. It didn't work and I only smoked even more weed and skipped even more classes. I then was faced with a major health problem. I noticed every time I made a bowel movement, my stool was black and the entire toilet bowl was filled with blood. It went on for about 3 days and then I went to the emergency room. I was losing blood big time and my iron levels were down and I was basically feeling like shit. Not to mention being in the emergency room for 12 hours and having to hear others next to me get told they are dieing from lung cancer. That's a nice feeling hearing the whole family sobbing for hours over that shit. So I get a leave of absence from school, and go home to recover and go through more and more tests. Everything is negative and they can't find out what is wrong with me. Even now after all the tests and all the bullshit, even though I stopped bleeding, they don't know what caused it. After that I went to unemployed to employed for a few weeks, unemployed to employed for a few more weeks, and now I am back again after just quitting my job at Fed Ex to being unemployed for my third week. I have been clean for about 4 or 5 weeks because I have no money to buy any pot. I rarely see my friends because they are at school now or I am with my girlfriend who is at school now too. I feel okay, just like I don't know where to go. I can't get a job because I don't have a degree, and I can't go back to school because I don't have any money. My parents think I am depressed because I sit in my room and use the computer all day. They think I am hiding when I am just trying to pass the time and send out resumes to as many places as I can. Everyday is more and more bleak and I am just getting more and more confused about what life is about. I am not ready to go back to school and just trying to find a job to hold me over is really not working. I hope I can figure something out soon, but until then I am just feeling miserable and lonely with no hope. I am a good guy, I believe I have things to offer, I just don't know how to be happy.
go to the library and teach yourself, schools arent going to learn for you. school is bullshit in my opinion, it destroys creativity and stresses people out. get your mind and body together and then consider going to college. society says we have to go to school and be a rich baller, well thats complete bullshit. this society is sick, it destroys culture and says we have to be blond, blue eyed and beautiful. and i havent had a job for over 6 months, in the past 4 years ive worked about 1 year, im 20 live with my parents and have no car. write down your thoughts, go to the park and spend the day in the woods. smoking weed to get over your friends death or to deal with shit is a bad idea. exercise it helps with stress. have confidence in yourself and what your doing, even if its being a looser. change your outlook, it may take a while but its better than entertaining yourself with tv or sitting around moping about how life sucks. if you have close friends or anyone to talk to i suggest you talk over your problems instead of being antisocial. you have a girlfriend, love her. accept death as a fact of life, this may be hard but its a must. as for your health problem, eat right. eat salad, chicken, noodles. be conscious of the energy in the food you eat.
I understand what you're saying. I constantly go through periods of time when I'll wake up, look around and become slightly depressed because I have no idea what to do with my life. Honestly, I spend so much time on the computer because to me, I feel like I have NOTHING else to do. When I'm working, it keeps me occupied, when I'm not and I'm bored, I feel horrible, and I don't know what to do. Good luck man, try getting into a few hobbies or something, I dunno, I really don't know what to tell you.
You gotta get outta that room man...start appreciating EVERYTHING. Do everything that Maitereya said. I can voge that, that is very good advice considering ive been lonely and depressed pretty much my whole life. You just gotta adapt man. Survival of the fit. Its a war out there. good luck bro
wow dude the last line of your post is exactly what my ex girlfriend told me last night she doesnt think i know how to be happy, and ya know what? i think she is right i try my best to accept things in life and be happy but i dont know if i ever really have been im 18 and in your same boat, i took a semester off from college, but me on the other hand im excited to go to college right now im working to pay my mom off from this car debt that i have, and that gets me down everyday because she only wants 400 a month and im stgruggling to get that, and i know in the back of my head that if i cant pay her, i dont know how the hell im gonna afford to get out of her house.
man, i feel where u at right now. i'm 19, turning 20 next month. I was majoring in Graphic Design, about to go in my junior year and i hated every minute of it. i loved my job, i loved my friend, shit, i loved my boss. but i hated class, i hated how the culture we live in, college is pretty much forced on u. wanna be a baller, white picket fence, hot wife, 2.5 kids, drive a bmw? go to school. so a week into freshman year, i was smoking like 4 outta 7 days just to make myself go to class, i was so depressed. i would get on academic probation, go to summer school, get a 3.0, then go back to school and get right back on academic probation, because i didn't wanna do it. so this summer, i get on probation and i just didn't want to go back. then, in may, on my dad's birthday, my little sister and my little brother went to visit him and spend the weekend at his house. i get a call at 2 am from the cops, tellin me that their was an altercation and we needed to go to the hospital. i wake my mom, give her the phone, put on my shoes and on the way to the hospital, i saw my mom cry for the first time in my life. it broke my heart man. i stayed overnight in the hospital with my brother because they couldn't reach his mom. wheeled my little sister to the car the next day. apparantly, he had a seizure, watched some porn, and beat my little brother and sister. my little sister got away with my brother, woke all the numbers and got them to call the cops. she's a fuckin hero. my little brother was within inches of his life, my sister had a broken nose, cuts, bruises, all that. my brother face was broken. his fuckin face was broken. they had to pull his eyes open. he's 5 and thats one of the only times i've ever seen him cry. my dad ran from his apartment and the cops had to find him. he has epilepsy and apparantly, he had a seizure and blacked out. so while he was in jail, he talked to my mom, his girlfriend, and wrote my sister a letter. to this day, i haven't from the man. and a week after that happened, i had to move to another town to work. so i was dealing with that, all while living on a couch for 3 months and dealing with shady fuckin roommates. i didn't wanna go on. but i owe it to my sister, my brother and my mom to stay here and live life with them. u just gotta know that. u can't give up man. just keep fightin and doin wut gives u joy. and for the first time, i can tell that story without crying. and i'm no girl, i haven't cried since my grandfather died years ago.
^^-- ditto We all seem to be "young adults" though around 20, who are just entering adult hood, which I think might be why this is happening to us. Goto, me too, lately I've just been trying to survive, and get by, hopefully not do anything that'll fuck me up too much later in life (i.e. start smoking cigarettes or doing other drugs, or fucking up school too much.)
yea, lately, i've been goin thru times where i'll be thinking like, i'm 20, all of my friends have been traveling, taking big trips to europe and shit just for the fun of it. i've been workin since i've been 14 and january was the first trip that i took with my friends and not family. i wanna see places before i become a slave to the real world. and its already happening. i'm taking a year off from school and i didn't want to work until october, but my uncle needs my help with his audio/visual rental company, so i gotta start work tomorrow. its good money, but its like, alright, this is it. i'm gonna be at this job, living with my mom until i die. i need a blunt and a cig tonight.
I was at that point in my life before I started college. I took a year off, to basically get high everyday and get drunk 2-3 times a week. I eventually started getting depressed and was going know where. I became really anti social and had to actually take some psychotherapy sessions for my social anxiety. I signed up for college and forced myself to change. Since I started college, 2 days ago. I've met a girl whose into me, and shes really pretty, i'v met about 40-50 new people who I now talk to on a regular basis. If you force yourself to change, you can do it man. You have to want to change before it can happen though. Life is so great for me right now. Its weird how your life can change so quickly when your sick of it. eric
^^^hey, i'm eric too! lol, sorry, stoner moment. but no, what i'm trying to accomplish with my time off is to save up, get a new computer and hopefully take a couple trips. see sights and get inspiration to do art again. i haven't drawn in like 3 years because i just don't have it in me anymore. its sucks. i've drawn everyday since i was 6 and then all of a sudden, one day i just stopped.
