Will To Stop Or At Least Pass A Darned Test

Greetings folks. 
 
I'm sure this has been talked to death all over this forum, but I don't want to sully anyone else's topics with my own. 
 
Toking Background:  I am a regular smoker of regular bud.  Have been for the past 14 years.  I don't smoke before/during work - it's my happy hour/weekend/days off buzz.  I'm a bowl smoker - more economical imo - and the bowls are rather tiny by today's standards.  Hey, I smoke alone most of the time, so why have a giant corn cob pipe just for li'l ol' me?  I usually go through a 1/2 a month. 
 
Lifestyle Background:  I'm a bit of a hermit, a computer game addict and a movie nut.  Though on the flipside, I'm remodeling my house myself.  I'm not outrageously overweight, but am out of shape.  I don't like exercise - gave up the joy of sweat years ago.  Instead I've curbed my eating habits to avoid being as big as a house.  I don't think my metabolism is even functioning anymore, so I don't feed it too much.  I also hate dieting!  evil 4-letter word.
 
So why the bio?  I need to pass a drug test.  sooner, later, eventually, DARNIT!  I'm job hunting (again), and I know that I will more than likely be tested if offered a position.  What irks me is the history of my test-taking.
 
1st time (years ago):  took a GNC drink - passed.  It must have been the early years, or maybe I wasn't so saturated. 
 
2nd time (2 years ago):  Tried a GNC drink again - failed. 
 
3rd time (1.5 years ago):  Stayed clean for 30 days, drank cranberry juice until I was red in the face, tried to go for walks regularly (not always).  FAILED.  (yes, after 30 days - failed)
 
4th time (1 year ago):  Borrowed someone's pee (may she be blessed for 10,000 years)  Passed, but the company folded.  Back to square 1.
 
Now here I am again, facing possible testing, pulling out my hair, and trying (and failing) to not smoke.
 
This morning I tested the Certo Method.  32 oz gatorade+1 pouch certo+32 oz water+a little more water.  I had home drug tests and decided it was worth the effort to use one.  wait for it...
 
FAILED.
 
Yeah.  I used 5 tests over the course of 4 hours, hoping maybe it was just taking my body a little longer to process.  Nope.  failed them all.  So that idea is out.  
 
It's starting to look like I will never be able to pass a drug test unless I quit for the next 6 months.  (NOOOO!)  But even if I do, if I'm tested in the next 60 days I'll still have it in my system.  If additivies won't work, don't even talk to me about dilution.  
 
I have looked into the QuickFix/UrineLuck manufacturer, but frankly I don't want to use my card on that site.  I might have to get a gift visa something just so I'm not paranoid.  But still...too many posts make that sound like a lost cause too.  
 
I suppose I'm looking for ideas, and I've lost perspective trying to search the forums for them.  There's too much contradictory information.  I wish I could just stop with confidence, but I can't make it through a full day.  Come on, home all day without a job, no money, few friends...by the time I've made it from 8am-8pm, I can't stand it anymore.  Either I go directly to bed while it's still light out, or I wind up grabbing the bowl.  The only think that keeps me occupied is a book, but then I do nothing but read...no dishes, no job hunting, you get the drift.  One track mind fixated on fun rather than function.  
 
Jar o' green and bowl are sitting here staring at me...and the mind is saying "you're already screwed.  go for it!"
 
It's that last 4 hours of the day, you know?  How do I keep from smoking for those measley 4 little hours?  Going to bed is pointless, since I'll wake up at 3, toss and turn, and more than likely start the day early with an ill-advised wake and bake.  
 
How do you all do it?  I mean, I know my lifestyle probably contributes to this...darned computer...but when all you've got is yourself, what can you do?  I try to build a schedule to fill the day, but it never lasts until sleep.  There's always that 'where's my bowl' in the back of my head.  And if I managed to make it through a full day, I can't fall asleep.  
 
crap, where is this going?  advice!  yeah.  so some questions:
 
1)  when you interview with a job and they ask 'can you pass a drug test?' what do you think is the probability that they will test you if you say 'yes'?  How long of a pause before you answer might give reason for concern?  *groan*
 
2)  what's the longest it's taken people to get clean?  sedentary (sp?), hermit, nerd people like me?  am I screwed?  even grocery stores test these days. 
 
3)  Certo didn't work.  QCarbo didn't work. Abstinence didn't work.  What will work on short term notice?  Again, don't tell me about dilution.  if 64 oz of liquid didn't cut it, 128 won't do squat.
 
4)  I'm trying something radical, which I think will only work if I stop smoking and have the time to do it (too bad i used up all of my tests...have to buy more).  METAMUCIL.  yep, soluble fiber.  I thought of it after reading up on Certo, and found this useful information (http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128474&page=2) that goes into detail about how soluble fiber reacts with the renal and hepatic systems.  I don't think this would be a quick fix, but more of a speedway to cleaning out.  At least that's the theory.  Any input?  (yes that link isn't to grass city, but it was the most indepth post I could find).
 
Does anyone who's had a problem passing drug tests have any ideas that i haven't tried?  I know that substitution is a big thing, but i haven't the heart to ask anyone else for pee - and won't ask the saint who gave it to me the first time.  I need a way to pass a spontaneous drug test, or I'll be out of work for the rest of the year while going crazy without pot. 
 
*tiny voice*  helpme!  helpme!
 
Thanks for reading the ramble.  I'm out of options here. (the bowl is still staring at me)

 

Heh, yeah, I know I'm over thinking - it's a curse - I'm just paranoid.  I appreciate your being blunt though (haha!  no pun intended!).  Oh, and I can't use a fake dick...I don't have a real one. 
 
But seriously, if the QF really works than I have no choice but to get it.  As long as it will get past Quest or LabCorp.  I'm still going to try to exercise some will power and quit for a bit, but I know it won't help me in the short term if I happen to get a job offer with a test attached.  Hence the panic. 
 
Rather pissed that Certo didn't work.  My friend has been using it for years to pass tests, and he smokes like a chimney...I'm the one who eventually has had enough, and he passes.    
 
Anywho, thanks for the input.  Sorry for the basket case.