Hey guys need some help or some personal experiences, would really appreciate it. - - *Any government or anti weed person reading this, please suck my balls and don't blame it on the weed* - - - Always had slight mental health issues, weed helps. So I'll do a long story as short as i can, as to when this started happening and coming about. Three years ago, I met this girl. Ended up going out with her the first year, it was that year I started smoking marijuana, which she did not like and I had to keep it a secret from her for three years. - - Anyway, during the last year me with my smoking weed everyday, I started getting this strange feeling that something just didn't seem right. Anyway, I had this bizare paranoia that came out of nowhere, I couldn't sleep at nights, I was sweating profoundly, but I knew there was just something, but what got to me was, I thought "What's wrong with me I'm so paranoid". So, with this mentally destroying me, one night I was watching TV in my room as my GF at the time slept, I heard her phone go. - - Now before anyone says what was Ichecking her phone for, I wasn't, I had actually texted a friend about some weed. So I grabbed the phone before she saw it... And behold, a snapchat from another guy saying " Can I see you on Friday?" So I immediately woke her up and was like, "Yo wtf". After I asked her about three times she insisted that there was nothing going on, now before I go any further this guy was one of her old BFs who she only went out with for a few months about a year or two before I did. Anyway I just left it at that, then she broke up with me, told me it was this guy blah blah blah the usual girl crap. Anyway, so after two weeks of us breaking up, I be at a party one Saturday evening, its around 3:30am and inrecieve a Facebook message, from her, asking why I called her a crack head etc, anyway, after a few minutes of exchanging mails we decided to meet up one day. - - So when we met up, she told me she didn't even wanna be with the guy, she still loved me etc, kissed an what not all that shit. So she stopped going with that guy to get back with me but when it came to it she was like " No etc" started making some bull shit excuse then got back with the guy like two days later. I have never been the same guy since this, I felt so betrayed and ever since it happened I am more paranoid than ever, I have a real hard time trusting people even just a little bit. - - I have started to go off the rails, I've done some horrible things on people through put this year that I regret. The problem is, one little thing sets me off, I get so angry, my face would go red, I would start to shake and breathe heavily and try to keep it together. I would wake up in the morning so pissed of I would constantly think in my head *Fucking hell I hate this and this fucking ass place*, then if I get annoyed about something I would shout, cuss like mad, break. - - Things, I through a glass at the wall, punched a hole in my wall, ripped the door handle off the door etc. I say some absolutely horrible things about people and too people when I'm mad. But this is the annoying part, every time I'm angry, I think off all the shit that happened to me in the past, what my ex done on me, what I've done to hurt other people, then I get even more angry at MYSELF for being such a angry prick I contemplate ending my own life. One example would be this evening, where my dad told me someone had told him something that I supposedly had did when I did not, I went absolutely mental, This is sort of what I said to my dad near word for word - "Tell me who told you that, because I fucking mean ii tt I will fucking go through them for a shortcut, like what the fuck its none of there fucking business anyway, I'll fucking snal their neck when you tell me who it is". - - My dad explained that this person was actually just having an innocent conversation. So realistically I had no reason to get angry. That's the thing, something is said to for a few seconds, I blow a gasket, go nuts, then it wasn't even nothing to get mad about? Not even all that, the fact I feel so alone I'm in the house everyday I don't have anyone to talk too, yes I have friends, I have Facebook etc. I used to be super popular and talk to everyone and have so many friends and everyone would know who I was etc and I was so happy, now I can't even be bothered with anything, I don't care about anything, I feel so alone, trapped, I have huge dreams of what I want to do with my life but Its like something is stopping me. I'm so self conscious about my looks now too, I really get angry if I don't look good in clothes, if my hair doesn't sit properly etc, I just feel like a tramp if I'm honest when I'm actually not. Like even today something so simple as going to walk the dog as it was nice this afternoon, it was as if I couldn't get out of bed, like I don't know its so hard to explain, like I'm so negative about everything. - - I don't even talk to any girls anymore, don't even go out socialising to clubs etc, all I do is sit in a mates and smoke and drink, don't smoke tobacco BTW. I sit and ask myself, "What ever happened to ME?" The guy who was able to tell a joke, and make someone else laugh everyday, outgoing and popular, to this guy who sits in his room talking to no one withcno real social life or any career prospects, I feel like !y life is completely ruined.If God gave me one of his powers for 5 minutes, I would most certainly, rewind time back to when I was 'me'. If God was real that is. Any one have experience's like this? I have had anger issues and a touch of depression in the last but it wouldn't be this drastic, its as if I am ALWAYS putting myself down and can't seem to find out how to actually make me happy. When I smoke weed, I am happy, I go out and love doing shit and getting shit done, haircuts, gym, etc. Don't be under the illusion of addiction, I have been off the weed for approx three days now, prior to that I stopped for a month with no with drawel symptoms, I understand you can get a bit rowdy etc. I have always did a routine sort of thing like I would smoke for two weeks followed by a two week tolerance break.Any help would greatly be appreciated.
Sounds like you need to find a job you like (maybe manual labor to get a little aggression out), and focus your energy on doing well there. At a short point in my life I felt similar to what you describe, I immersed myself into my job and focused on quality and attentiveness. Now I own a successful business, have an amazing wife, and don't "lose it" (not as much anyway). Anger can be a very powerful tool if you can harness that energy and apply to something productive. Being productive in general will give you a better outlook/opinion on your life. Heartbreak is a part of life and it sucks, but the way you respond to it is what really determines/builds character. Give yourself a purpose and little things will just not matter as much. Sincerely hope everything works out, suicide is never the answer.
Its going to be hard to help you without first hand experience of qhat your life is really like behind the curtain but if anything, why honestly ask yourself what is really making you so upset? Do you feel frustration because of work? Family affairs? Bad friendships? Beating yourself up because youre not living up to your own expectations? Found the thing thats really at the root of your frustrations/anger. Maybe you feel like no one listens? Ask yourself and you might be surprised what comes to mind. I personally do this one I get depressed and find that I get that way when Im being unproductive, and I had every opportunity to be productive and get shit done I need to. Good luck OP, and yeah girls can be heartless/selfish too.
You have depression dude. And at the moment all you are doing is thinking - which makes it worse. You need to focus your energy as nugbuilder says. Humans are no different to dogs. We are only happy living in the moment. You need to stop thinking and start living. And it aint easy. 15 years of suffering from ptsd induced tatt and depression. Everyday is a fight, not to be happy but to just crack on. As I have got older I have learnt that EVERYONE is fucked in the head. Its just some people have better coping mechanisms or are too thick to overthink things. Some suggestions that guaranteed will help. 1. physical exercise at least 3-4 times a week for an hour. Get a sweat on. 2. Stop telling yourself youre shit. Think hard about 3 things you are good at. Keep repeating these in your head over and over. 3. Your ex bird is a pain in the ass. Imagine youre on a train, she was at the last stop. You're going somewhere real nice so youre looking forwards not back. 4. Get some counselling to help you learn coping skills. 5. Youre abusing cannabis. Ive done it and still do. I don't do myself favours and neither are you. Cut back and start using cbd rich weed when you do. 6. Cut that shit about suicide out. All the dead know is its better to be alive than dead. 7. carpe mother fucking diem.