You don't realize it until it's too late. When you don't know why, but you lie to your wife over the dumbest of thing ( like smoking a regular cig over a rolled one) And you start to think... I'm going to lose my family and i don't see much to work towards. Honest;y, i feel suicide is a good option every now and then, and right now seems cool. I'd probably take a round to the mouth. But.. cannot access rounds, just a fire arm. So i guess thats ok? That i can't hit end game right now..... Like seriously, i don't see why she's put up with me for as long as she has. I don't see how anyone could. I know I'm a piece of shit, and don't know how to fix it. I don't know if i ever will be able to. And think thats what scares me most. Ever if this marriage fails, the next one would be doomed too, as I'm just....nothing. I've no value. Oh yea sure I'm in welding school. Oh yea sure I got 2 children. Oh yea sure i can make it and life goes on. But when you've been told and felt like shit for so long, and the one person who makes you feel good, starts to turn away, and its YOUR fault. What can i do or say? I've never been anything but a loser. and thats the truth. Was an addict for a few years. Thought I got my shit together in the military, that didn't do much if anything. Only helped the resume. I thought i got my shit together when i got married and went to school. But alas, i seem to be the best fool ever as i can fool myself the best. And my kids. god i feel bad for them. They look up to a nobody. Someone who can't even be called a man. Possibly not even a human. If i had a reset button, id see how life panned without the military, maybe go so far as to not even try weed. Or maybe even further and see if my ancestors could be manipulated in so me way to help me. I feel beyond help in any way possible. I;m a loser now and always will be and have been. And she said she made the biggest mistake of her life....i feel like she just might have..... Out of shape, not the best of self esteem though not terribly low. A lot of anger and shadows creeping back ever so slightly....wishing i could be lazy and get paid to do so.... I'm not even sure why i'm writing this. I haven't been here for awhile and it never ends up doing any good. Creatures of habit i suppose.
you need to talk to your wife before its too late dawg. save your relationship and your family. quit being selfish those kids need you.
Everything you are saying OP are feelings that all humans face. It's just some drown them out with positive vibes. In truth you are a loser. And the reason is because that's how you see yourself and treat yourself. Life is a struggle unless your a Rothschild, why are you judging yourself so harshly? Live in the moment instead of pre conceived ideas of what you should have achieved etc. You need cbt therapy and to learn some basic skills of controlling your own negative thoughts. You have a real disconnect with your life and the people around you. Your kids don't look up to you? Hell most parents feel like that at some point. The world pulls them from your arms - that's the natural order. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and act now. Get CBT and concentrate on positives. Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right. Sent from my iPhone using Grasscity Forum
Recognize that you are basically consumed by your negative thoughts at this point. It's easy to feel as a failure in today's society when we're constantly made to feel that we should compete with others. You should take more pride in the fact alone that you are a dad to two kids and you're still with them, raising them. Focus more on the positive stuff, recognize where the negative thoughts are coming from and try to rationalize them. Be a little nicer to yourself, forgive yourself more often. Nobody's perfect and it's helping no one that you're beating yourself up about everything. You definitely can be happy op, and happiness is more often a choice than we think, something that you can actively work towards, rather than an instant magical thing.
Alrighty Blade listen up. You need to chill with the self hate. As mentioned, you have the military on your resume, and you're going to welding school. I know where i live, that gets you at least 20 an hour, ot, and benefits. If you're stressing over current finances, then just know you're on the right track there. Idk your school hours, but the welding guys here usually can find gigs working for factories while in school, and those pay well. Ask yourself why you lying. Women, I've noticed, like to set you up, and flip shit. It sounds like you lie to avoid the argument, but she gets you in the lie, and now you're facing double the wrath. Talk it out. Not gonna lie, Not all marriages work, but that's okay, honestly. No female is worth ending it over. You have to truley ask if she's worth the misery. You're gonna get through this, but you're gonna have to be tough. Life is tough, and sometimes we go through rough patches. It may be a fight, so fight through it. Overcoming and persevering past our hardest moments gives Life a whole new perspective
If others call you names like loser, don't take it to heart. Haters gonna throw hate like it's a full time job. You gotta do you and let your mind stay right. Cheers, blade.
Hey man I don't know much about the details of what is going on but if you think weed is holding you back then you should leave it behind. I currently have a job where I cannot smoke but I still do. I could lose my job any day and that would be fine for me because 1) I am unmarried and have no children 2) I have a pretty good resume and live in a legal state so I will be able to find work. If I had kids and needed to provide I would not smoke unless it wasn't going to get in the way of things. You have to think about your kids, Once you have kids nothing else matters(that includes your own happiness). Even your wife should take a backseat to your children. That being said you need to be right for them man. Happiness is a state of mind just like depression. Try and look at the positives and try and turn the negatives into positives. I witnessed my younger brother die violently when I was very young(not young enough to forget unfortunately) and it completely shattered my sense of everything. Imagine having no idea of the dangers of the world or even the realities of mortality and then having that ripped from you in a matter of hours. I was a husk, an empty shell, darkness was all there was. I was well beyond suicidal thoughts because what was the point? I already felt dead why go through the extra effort of actually being dead it just didn't seem worth the effort. I was changed forever in that moment and I still am. However after years of therapy and meditation I was able to recover the person I was before and rebuild my psyche. Do I still have flashbacks, yes, do I still suffer from depression, yes. I fight them with simple logic, sure it would be easy to die but in my mind I have already seen something worse than death so why shouldn't I keep fighting? Even if I die a horrible death later on for no reason, maybe I deserved it, who knows but at least I didn't cause it. I look at death like its another journey but even the worse things that can happen to you on this journey are not worth ending it prematurely.
Depression is a choice not a disease imo...same w/ alcoholism. If you think you're a loser and constantly beat yourself up in the head about it, you will be a loser. You have a wife, kids, and a job...you're ahead of most dudes already. You know how many guys can't even get laid or pull a long term gf? Start counting your blessings instead of your shortfalls and life will be much better. I've climbed out of deep, dark depressions...so don't think you can't dude. First thing you gotta do is start changing your routines & habits.. New diet, new work out plan, new hobbies, new friends (if your current ones suck). Gotta remove negative shit from your life and add things that make you feel good. Believe in yourself and good things will happen