Right now I find myself in a terrible position and have no clue what to do. So many aspects fucking tear at me. My best friend, his name will be N, and my very good friend (N's brother) will be T. All three of us are addicts. N and I are in recovery, and currently in the home stretch of a 5 year methadone maintnence. We all were heroin addicts at one point, and it's impossible to bullshit a dopehead, even harder to bullshit an ex-dopehead. A huge part of being an addict is being a liar. All three of us know whats up. N is my best friend. I trust 3 people in the world... myself, my mother, and N. We used together back in the day, and became TRUE friends when we ran into each other at the methadone clinic. T is older than us both (I am 24, N is 27, T is 32) and has been in the shit for longer than us... but recently had gotten clean. Like within the last 6-10 months. I am good friends with T and we see each other often, and often times when it is just us, not with N. T and I each confide in each other to tell our secrets because we both have things we cannot tell anyone. My secret is that I am scared shitles of getting off the methadone next month because I am currently having problems controlling my benzo use (xanax). T's secret is that he is using again. T, for obvious reasons, can't tell his brother N, who is a recovering heroin addict. And throughout the course of T and I chillin and whatnot, I figured it out. Which is when we started to become better friends.... since we both were allowed to lift off just one little slice of that wieght that is welded to the shoulders of a person like him, I, and N. So I've kept T's secret for a while now. Going on 2 months. Then tonight, N, in just passing conversation while we are buring in my truck, parked in his driveway.... 'I just know he's using'. Fuck. Mother fucker. Why? This kills me. N is like my fucking brother, and it is literally painful to lie to him. Especially about something like that. I want so much to tell him. He has a right to know, it is his brother. They are as close as brothers get. But on the otherhand, I know exactly which road T is driving on. I remember, well, the secrets and lies you are forced to create and deal with when you are using. I'm not a fucking rat. Is it my place to say something?? T is my friend, he is so smart and does awesome tats and is at that age where you may not be able to come back. Me, being a recovered dopehead (I was a gross needle junkie for 9 months of my 4 year 'binge'... T only rails.), I know how much better my life is in so many fucking aspects without that shit chaining you to depression. I don't want that for him. As of now I am going to keep my mouth shut. But, I don't know what to do. I am crying as I type this. Maybe I should just stay out of it. N gave 3 obvious examples of why he thinks T is using. And they were all dead on.... and I knew. Out of the mess in my head there is one probability.... I lose a friend. The question is which one. Will N be pissed at me when he inevitably finds out that I knew?? And fucking obviously T would be pissed if I told N. And I feel selfish, for feeling the way I do in this situation because the main problem doesn't lie with me. It lies with T and his relapse, and the resulting impact on N when he finds his suspicions are true. Why am I sitting here upset when it's their issue? I don't know what to think. Or do. I do know for sure that I am right now going to put on Citizen Cope, pack a fucking huge bowl of the danks I just picked up, and swallow 3-4 tylenol PM and hope I can sort something out in my sleep. If I sleep. -MoJo-
Tell T that as a friend and like a second brother to N, you cannot keep this secret from N anymore. Tell T to tell N that he is using again or you will be forced to. It works multiple ways. He can't keep secrets from his brother anymore a friend would keep them from a friend. You know that keeping the secret from him is the wrong thing to do. You said it yourself, it "pains" you to keep things from him. Reality is usually pretty gritty, and well, heroin addiction is as gritty as it gets and it's not your fault that T is using again...you need to come clean and so does he.
It's not your place to damage the bond, don't be a rat Do the right thing and help yourself first, also consider helping your friend T get off of the drug. Put yourself in N's shoes and imagine what will eventually happen when he finds out what you two have been doing behind his back...... Don't give in with your desires to give up, you and T can both stay clean from drug use. N could possibly go back to using drugs if he feels betrayed by you, or he could possibly lose the bond he has with his own brother. Once N finds out it will be too late to fix the situation and you will just be letting time take matter into it's own hands. Right now it sounds like you're stuck in between walls so try going around them by helping T before N eventually finds out the news. Alter the dilemma by benefiting yourself and N, possibly checking back in to another clinic or seeking help from someone else. The last thing you want to do is to keep using the drug with T behind N's back. If you know what you're doing is wrong then why continue? make a change for the better.
How is he damaging the bond? T decided to break his pact with his brother and friend by using again. It's nobodys fault but his own. But, they are all friends so there's no need to be a douche and leave him drowning in a sea of his own problems. I would force T to tell N somehow so he hears it from his brother and you won't have to tell N that you were hiding it from him. Either way, you can't let T keep using behind his brothers back. If they are both trying to quit then T is hurting the relationship with his brother and as both of their friends it's your responsibility to keep them honest with each other.
Damaging the bond between him and N since he's aware that T is using again, if it was to be kept a secret. Ultimately the decision shouldn't be put on your shoulders because it's T's decision to begin using again in the first place. Try getting help for T first and if that doesn't work, convince him to talk to his brother.
T tried to get help, and then lied to his brother about and even uses behind his back. If I were quitting heroin and my brother was going through the same hardships as me I would be furious if he did it behind my back. If it were me, I would want Mojo to come to me right away and rat T out in a second. Sometimes you have to make decisions for other people, because it's for their own good.
Interesting dilema, aye? Let me say this first.... there was some mis-communitcation with one blade. I am not using heroin again. I have been abusing xanax... not yet to the point of addiction, but if the supply was steady... I may me. But I have since given all my scripts to my mom to dole them out. Ok, now to the topic at hand. Me, knowing exactly how T feels.... the need to keep the framework of a lie, the state of mind that IS NOT THE ACTUAL PERSONS'S STATE OF MIND and it FORCES one to do things they clearly know are wrong. Back when I was running around, if someone told my girlfriend, or even worse, my mom... forget not being friends anymore. I'd be looking for a fucking trachea to stomp. I can not rat. I just can't. I've been in this life for over 12 years and fucking loyalty is a must. Who are you if your friends/family can't count on you? You're a fucking bitch who doesn't deserve to have said friends/family if you are going to be untrustworthy. Delta's advice is the road I think I'm going to take. The next time I'm with T (saturday for a tat), I'm going to bring it up. Subtle though. Like, 'You know N's going to find out eventually, right? We both know it will be 10x better, not to mention the right thing to do, to tell him yourself.' N will understand, like I do, after the initial anger fades. If anyone has a TRUE friend or family member that the love or are uber close to, you know that the anger fades with time. Once N finds out, he will be pissed, sure. But since he already has suspicions, it won't be as much of a shock. Then, I am sure N would be more interested in the health and well being of T than holding a grudge. N, T, and I all know what that life is. N won't like it, but he will most likely understand why T kept it from him. And what sucks is that I am keeping my benzo use a secret from N. I've hinted at it to him, because I want him to know. And he has hinted at him knowing. I want to be able to talk to him when I feel like getting high. I dunno. If anyone can take anything away from this..... it is not worth it. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that I hate dope. I would be lying. I fucking LOVE it!! Why do you think I was a full-blown junkie for 4 years?? And to be honest, if the stars aligned and I had an unlimited supply of money, I'd probably use until I die. And if I would ever off myself, it would be with dope. It pisses me of, actually, that I can't just treat myself like some people. If I boot just once, it's over. Ok so the high is on the PRO side.... then everything else is on the CON side. I lost all my possesions of ANY worth, I lost all my friends, I lost my job, I lost my family (thank whoever it is who does these things that my mother took me back), and I lost myself. I was no longer MoJo. I was now a steering column in the car of life and heroin was at the wheel. With help from my mother, I made it out and I am now at that wheel. I appreciate the responses and advice. T and N are the only people that I go to with my problems to talk them out... and, duh... I can't this time. My mother will listen, but I can't let her know that I'm still even within 100 yards of heroin. Thank you. -MoJo-